How to prioritise self care?

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  • tigerbeth
    tigerbeth Member Posts: 539 ✭
    Oh Kate you poor love , @kmakm sounds like a thoroughly shitty time.

    Hope the kids"get it" after the meeting ,definitely get that me time high on the list each day .
    Whatever I can do to help please yell out I've plenty of time .
     Must be time for another coffee or walk ??
     @melclarity I'm doing the same with my parents property ,although we seemed to have stalled & put it on the backburner for a while ,which is a bit of relief,at least I only have to travel 15 mins not 4 hrs like you.Still such a hard & emotional job.
  • Kiwi Angel
    Kiwi Angel Member Posts: 1,952 ✭
    @kmakm what a c u next Tuesday of a week. I agree with what @Zoffiel said - do on strike - even if it’s just briefly try and coordinate with hubby and maybe u could have a couple of nights in a hotel and get a massage and just have some time for yourself??

    i also agree with @kezmusc u would be finding me in the bottom of a bottle with all that to deal with!!
  • Sister
    Sister Member Posts: 4,961 ✭
    @melclarity and @tigerbeth It's a heartbreaking job as well as a physically draining one.  I did it for my Mum's house 19 years ago and it took me 10 years before I could go through the boxes that I packed up (photos, documents, etc.).  In the end, I had a garage sale then got the Salvos in to take the rest and got a professional cleaner out of the estate to do the house.  It was just too much on top of the grief of losing her.

    @kmakm I keep thinking the same thing since I went back to work.  Just how am I supposed to fit any of this proactive health stuff in?  I've tried but the little bit of extra time to do it (when I've found something that a)I can afford and b) that I can get to, just about kills me.  And waiting until I get home to do exercise by myself is a joke - as soon as I finish the stuff that has to be done, I'm exhausted on the couch.

    You're doing it so hard with the kids.  I do hope the family meeting has sorted something out.  At the very least, with the older two.  Do they have any more influence with your nephew and niece?  @zoffiel may have a point with going on strike but I suspect if they're like my lot, that would just mean suspension of reality for the time.  But they all need to help run the house so I hope that your husband has gotten through to them.  And I do hope your daughter is feeling better.

    Take care, my lovely.
  • Finch
    Finch Member Posts: 302 ✭
    @kmakm Shit shit shit shit shit shit. No answers but I hear you. Sending you my love and hugs. Take care, deep breaths . Xxxx
  • Kiwi Angel
    Kiwi Angel Member Posts: 1,952 ✭
    @kezmusc @Zoffiel sounds like the tough love approach worked for u. My mum was like that with me - I was a little shit (not to the extent of anything illegal though) and she was very hard with me. I left home at 17 just because I wanted my independence but we ended up having a great relationship as I got older. 
  • AllyJay
    AllyJay Member Posts: 957 ✭
    I don't know the answers to this ginormous shitfest, as I don't walk in your shoes. Someone posted something along the lines of part of this, that is, a surly, rude entitled teenage girl. Something about a mobile phone was mentioned, and I expressed astonishment that this ill mannered teen still had the phone. The stunning scream of silence which followed, gave me the impression that other members did not agree with my old fashioned approach. I have no idea about her issues of loss and abandonment she has regarding the loss of her mother. I also have no idea about what life lessons her mum left her with, and if she was mature enough to absorb them. I also gather from your post that therapists are part of your family strategies of coping with all these complex and tangled issues. If the back ground issues for her weren't there, I would do as I would have done if either of my offspring had tried this on me in their teen years. Take away anything which has value to them, such as mobiles, computers, make up, jewellery, access to tv and so on for which you have paid. Also allowance or pocket money. She would get the bare essentials, such as school uniform, clean undies and regular (not high fashion) clothing and shoes. Strict curfew, school or home...that's it. No socialising at all. I'm afraid I was never a pushover for teens, I made it quite clear, I was their mother, not their slave or servant. I told them that relationships were a two way street and asked if they would remain friends with someone who treated them the way they were treating me? Perhaps say to her that it appears obvious that she hates living with you and I'm sure you get the "You're not my mother, so don't tell me what to do", or something along those lines. Do some research on someone like Barnado's or similar foster home entities and print it off. Hand her the info and offer to drop her and her attitude off to them. Perhaps she would prefer a group home or foster care? Put the ball in her court and if she tries to call your bluff, don't blink first. I'm sure she will realise which side her bread is buttered on and will reign in her outrageous attitude. This is only my opinion and is in no way meant as a criricism of you or your family. You are so incredibly loving and giving to have taken on this huge load when you yourself were grieving the loss of your sister, closely followed by your own diagnosis. I wish I could help in some way, but all I can really do is to acknowledge your anguish and send you a hug. Ally.
  • Afraser
    Afraser Member Posts: 4,450 ✭
    Not many of us were trained in motherhood, any more than in coping with cancer, it's a miracle we adapt as well as we do and kids grow up to be reasonable adults. Aggression is often an externally focused form of misery. Teenage years are notoriously about exploring and being miserable. I learned a small amount from a short period of a two year old's distress at crèche (caused by trying to join in with the five year olds!). The advice was to stay out of it and let her work it out. We all want to fix things - for ourselves, for those we love. One of the hardest things is to accept that sometimes it's necessary for them to work it out for themselves - consequences and priorities. And that it takes time - things don't happen to fit a schedule or our patience. We need to be visible and reachable for our kids but they do have to learn how to fall and get up again. Just as we do. 
  • Sarnicad
    Sarnicad Member Posts: 318 ✭
    @kmakm they are hard enough to handle when only one at a time are carrying on let alone all of them together

    hugs

    if you crack an answer on the 18 yo let me know I could do with tips. 18yo boy in my house is currently under threat of parent teacher interviews in a week or so which he got told if I get any surprises about his homework it will be the last time he sees his gaming pc for the rest of the year - he knows I’m serious too, it has been taken away a number of times for a whole term before

    generally I have to nag to get things done (ie ask, ask and scream like a psycho) they all act surprised as if they don’t know they have set chores(they do) and I get they are busy with sport and schoolwork but I’m busy with work and running them around so no excuses. 

    Hope your daughter is better, yep year 10 has a lot of homework but as we say here no point fighting city hall just get it done. 
  • Zoffiel
    Zoffiel Member Posts: 3,374 ✭
    The key to training an animal is to reward good behaviour. Instantly, even if they've only given something a tiny try. That makes everyone feel good and is so much more effective than punishing misdeeds. Thing is, they have to give you something  to work with, however meagre. It doesnt take much to find a reward they enjoy, even if its just you dropping the rope and letting hem stand still for a minute.

    Unfortunately the program doesn't work so well with difficult children, particularly if nothing (apart from pissing you off) actually pleases them to start with or they've had a chance to form a herd and feed off each other. Very frustrating.
  • Artferret
    Artferret Member Posts: 259 ✭
    @kmakm
    Oh Kate, take a deep breath my love...and then let out a huge primal scream!!
    In regards to the exercise, do what you can, when you can, even if you only use it as a way of expending frustrations! I do think the current 'guidelines' are just over the top for a lot of people. The one thing i do remember when i went to the conference last year was when the guy from WA was talking about the quantity of exercise and he said, anything is better than nothing, even getting out for a 5 minute walk to let off steam. But i understand why you are sinking under a load of crap cos everything always comes at once and it's so much harder to deal with.
    The cooking duties could be parceled out to all as it sounds like the teenagers are all old enough. Not fair that you are doing lions share.
    You must keep prioritizing yourself because that's the only way you are going to be able to cope so don't give up on any of the me time.
    The behaviour of your niece and nephew, that's a tough one. We don't have any contact with our 19 yo nephew since things blew up between him and my eldest sister (crashing her car in someone else's fence didn't help) plus it had been a toxic relationship for a long time. All you can do is be there for them. One day they'll thank you...i hope...they'd better! 
    In regards to your last paragraph, 'is it actually possible to do at all'...
    All at once? Hell no...and it sounds like that's what you're trying to do or want to do. You can't, Kate, you'll only self implode. 
    As a lot of people have said take it all one day at a time and only do what you can and breathe...breathe...
    Big hugs, Cath xx
  • kmakm
    kmakm Member Posts: 7,974 ✭
    I had a psychologist's appointment today. It was timely as you can imagine. We ranged over a few topics, and did discuss this one.

    I cried a lot. I didn't mean to but she got me thinking deeply about 'stuff' and it was overwheming and the tears welled up unbidden.

    She said many of the things you all have said here - this hive mind is second to none - and while she didn't give me answers, she came up with a couple of strategies. It's baby steps and you have to start somewhere.

    My self-talk is atrocious. Turning it round is going to be the work. I barely want to try because I think I will fail (I feel like such a failure) but that's the point eh? There's got to be a better way to live.

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