How to prioritise self care?
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Oh @kmakm, my heart hurts reading your post. It's so hard to juggle all the balls. My psych always insisted I couldn't give anything to others if my reservese were compromised. If the well is empty there's nothing to fill up others so don't sacrifice self-care (another water analogy) . You might not do all that you want, but you can't let it go entirely. Another important tip from my psychologist was 'natural consequences'. My son has ASD and I was on my own with him during 2 BC diagnoses. He had his own struggles but I couldn't fix things for him. She said natural consequences are the best teacher. Eg. If you don't wash your clothes, you have no clothes to wear. For your son, no work = no money = no fun. Therefore if he wants to do things at uni he will need to get money. Therefore a job. Most of his peers will have one. For the kids at dinner, it never hurt anyone to make their own Vegemite sandwich for dinner, or a bowl of cereal. If they don't like that, the alternative is to help. Could they do the prep for dinner - chop veges, etc? It's a life lesson - a natural consequence. Tough love even. When things get hard, everyone has to chip in. It is ok for you to prioritise time and activities for yourself. It is more than ok, it is essential. It is self-preservation. If you fall in a heap, the family will be in a worse position. It's the hardest thing for us to do I think - make ourselves the priority. Thinking of you. Xx 💜5
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My psych practices out of two addresses and yesterday I went to the wrong one. Fortunately she had a slot available later. She talked me down from the somewhat extreme and intense reaction I had to making this error. An error I never would have made pre-BC. It was one of the things we talked about yesterday.
This morning I went to yoga for the first time. Except I didn't because when I got there the class had started 15 minutes earlier. I never would have made this mistake pre-BC.
I modulated my response according to the method my psych gave me yesterday. Not entirely successfully but it's a start.
Since I was already in my exercise gear and it wasn't yet too hot I decided to use the time wisely and went for a very fast walk (anger makes you speedy!) for 45 minutes. So not a complete waste of a morning.3 -
So the family meeting went OK. Law was laid down and it was emphasised that we are a family and so are all in it together and must support and respect each other. Self responsibility was discussed, and I impressed on them that I would not always be available as I had to look after myself.
I have made up a roster of household chores that cycle through on a weekly basis. We're at the end of Week 3 and it's mostly going well. The younger ones are learning some new skills. The recalcitrants are the oldest and the youngest who continue to argue about doing it! I can assure you they do not prevail.
@AllyJay My husband and I are fairly strict. We discussed with our son what his plan was for living his life as we were not able to give him money. We agreed to give him a loan to buy uni books. But beyond that I have no idea what he plans to do. We are leaving him with it, he will have to wear the consequences.
My nephew has had his access to the computer removed this weekend. After giving him three terms last year to get this behaviour at school under control we decided to use this 'stick' to assist him further. If he gets a detention, he loses the computer. We've just had yet another discussion with him about his classroom behaviour.
My psych has given me the name of a child psychologist she thinks is excellent. I am going to make an appointment to see her asap.
Happy to report the vomit has stopped!6 -
Sounds like you and hubby have a plan, which is great. Aside from my own (adult now) kids, I've had a lot of exposure to young people. I am that there is such a fine line between "supporting" and "enabling".
, and I think that when there is other shit in the picture, as you have with these kids, the solution is that much more complex. If it were me, I would threaten a finger, rather than the whole arm, so that if push comes to shove, you don't shrink back and think..."Oh no...not the arm...how can they live without the arm"? No kid has yet died from having had their "toys" that is electronic goodies, removed from them for a set period of time, or until consistent getting together of shit has happened. Sometimes kids push, just to see what your cracking point in fact is. Certainly, I'm not suggesting that babies get tossed out along with the bathwater, but I'm sure that once you have a chance to catch your breath, and stand back to back with your husband and lay down and enforce your rules, you will all be much happier. Chin up, eyes straight and march on, I'm here with you. Ally.0 -
@kezmusc I went out and bought a bottle of wine and drank three glasses. I am not a saint!
I've worked myself up into a state about this, how to re-organise my life so that everybody's needs, including my own, are met. Went to bed crying last night. Started in the shower and couldn't stop. I'm going to take everyone's advice, including my own, and stop looking at the mountain. That paralyses me into inactivity which leads to failure and guilt. Yep, f**k that guilt shit. I recognise the stupidity of that emotion. But the voices that went in during your childhood are hard to get out. I'm trying.
So three changes to start with, in the areas of sleep, meditation and diet.
Thank so much for your support lovey. K xox
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Kate, it sounds like you need a little bit of fun in your life right now, to get away from the mundane things that never go away. How long is it since you've been on a 'date' with your hubby? Just something simple, enough to give you that breathing space, even if it is just a walk, a movie, somewhere with lunch afterwards.
Plus don't start with 3 changes, start with one...sleep...i find if i get that one under control, the rest will follow because that fuzzy wuzzy brain will be gone and you will feel better in yourself and more able to tackle the next change. My sleep was crap till about 2 weeks ago when i gave my brain a severe talking to. Nothing much had caused it just a series of little things, 2 of them being our daughters purchasing their first homes just before Christmas and the little worries that come with it, helping them clean, set up, helping with purchases, answering endless questions, watching them stress over things whilst telling myself to stop stressing. So we shall be empty nesters at the end of this week, exciting but sad at the same time.
Don't ever feel guilty, Kate, not when you are doing so much for your family. And before you go to sleep tonight think of something that makes you smile. Love Cath xx1 -
@AllyJay Thank you Ally. I have never been any kind of parental pushover. I have cancelled sleepovers and withstood room destroying tantrums as a result (niece). She broke things that have not been replaced and has not tried it since. My children were voted best behaved in my local cafe when they were little, in an unofficial staff poll! It's because when they were even younger I warned them that if the bad behaviour continued, we'd leave. It did and we left. They were shocked and never misbehaved in a cafe again. No rubbery no's here!
The problem with my niece and nephew is we didn't raise them from birth, so our parenting style is completely foreign to them. They are kicking at the traces. And after two years of this, during which I had BC, and now have to find time for self care, I am exhausted with the fight and at my wits' end. I always give warnings. There's a sliding scale of punishment - loss of pocket money, no computer/tv, cancellation of events and so on, good behaviour is always praised, we try to laugh as much as possible, I hug them often, tell them I love them. It's just insanely hard.
My sister had so much mental illness as well as physical. She lived with my parents as she could not live on her own. My father resented her presence and then the childrens'. His retirement was 'ruined'. He loved them all dearly but my sister and he butted heads, and neither of them are/were easy to live with. Especially my sister. It was always walking on eggshells at the best of times. So as a result my mother over compensated and spoilt the children. Still does. She did everything for them. Breakfast in bed every day, constant checking that everything little thing was organised for them so they never had a chance to learn the consequences of forgetting or responsibility, constant buying them things, no chores. She was trying to work through her own grief of losing her child through them. She still does.
Bloody f******g breast cancer has screwed with my life, our lives, in so many ways. I hate it so f******g much.0 -
I had a chuckle today reading an opinion piece about parenting in the Herald Sun. ( trashy, I know, but I can't help myself) The author suggested you don't take the electronic device, you just take the charger so they have to watch the toy slowly die. It wouldn't work, of course--I seriously doubt most deprivation exercises do-- but the idea appealed to my warped sense of humour.7
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Hey K @kmakm Do you need someone to help you on the picket line? Love Didi0
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Big hugs @kmakm sounds like u are doing all the right things. U definitely need to look after yourself xoxooxox0
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@Blossom1961 Always Didi!0
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@Kiwi Angel Thanks Steph. I don't know if it's all the right things! I'm feeling so crap at survivorship, new normal and life in general that it's hard to credit. I 'just' need to string a few good things together, get a good routine and rhythm going, to feel like I've got a bit of a handle on a bit of my life. Rather than careening from one crisis to the next. Control! Just a bit of control... or the illusion of it!0
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@Artferret Thank you Cath. I do get so lonely for my husband. He is away in Sydney every week for three or four days, and even in Melbourne he works really long hours. As previously discussed, I put my foot down about having a day out together every month. This was to sate my desire to be out and about, travelling, but it's turned out that it's the spending of time together that I'm really enjoying.
During the week I cracked the sads and said we had to prioritise spending time together a bit more. So we're going to try to pop out for a drink together every now and then, be it a coffee or a mocktail.
The week after next is our 20th wedding anniversary. The original plan was to go to a tropical island somewhere for a week or ten days. We haven't had a holiday alone together since our honeymoon, and he likes a beach holiday (way more than I do) so I was going back to work to save up for Fiji or Thailand or something like that. Well BC well and truly scuppered that plan, so it's dinner at a nice restaurant overlooking a Port Phillip Bay beach instead!
I'll try to smile tonight before I go to sleep. It's become such a torturous time of day for me. I'll give anything a go!
Thank you sweets for all your support. Have you any plans for your empty nest? K xox0
