The Secret Suckiness Of Life After Breast Cancer
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I happy to be alive but hate that I’m broken and that the most basic things (like sleep) that I used to take for granted are now a daily struggle. I also hate that people think I’m fine now and can just carry on as normal. That is prompting me to potentially look at a career change.
Morning whinge over!! Like I said in Night Howls - tired and grumpy.3 -
I hear you kiwi angel. Big hugs1
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@Blossom1961 big hugs right back xo0
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She totally nailed it. I am still struggling to accept that ‘before’ me is gone . . . Forever1
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yep, hugs to everyone xxx0
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Normal?
Well no one's normal up here, but gees I would like to go back to the abnormal I was before!
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I get tantalising glimpses of the old me. I managed to roll a round bale which probably weighs about 250 kg over 30 metres on my own while fending off 'You Idiot' who just Could Not Wait. Three years ago that would have been a doddle and I'd have done it without stopping. (Hint there folks, do not stop. It means you have to start again)
But at least I could do it today. No idea if I will be able to do it tomorrow though, and there is the frustration for me. It's all so random and unpredictable. Good days, bad days. Good weeks that get me all optimistic and planning the next project only for everything to turn to shit again over night. I either avoid making commitments because I'm not sure I can meet them or make the wrong ones and end up both disappointed and disappointing.
My habit of going to ground when I'm not coping means most people only see me when I'm 'up' so there's not much understanding of the big picture.9 -
@Zoffiel I have gone to ground this afternoon. Not sure why, just leave me alone.1
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I guess we can be grateful for the chance to opt out every now and then @sister. Small compensation for having to drag our ragged arses through endless days when we have no choice but to perform. I'm wagging work this arvo too. I got heaps done between 3 am and 10 then a bit more after yoga. If I submit it in an hour or so it will look like I've done a 'normal' days work instead of keeping mad fucking witch hours. The joys of having a home office.1
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Oh boy. Some days it is really exhausting to pull up the 'I'm so lucky' socks. Some days it would be nice to wallow, maybe eat far too much chocolate , drink a few wines, stay in my pjs! That would be nice. But instead off to bloody work, listen to the woes of others, when really just today you feel like telling it how it is!! Not caring about someone else's grizzles. Not even caring about someone else's feelings! But... Politeness! Manners!
grrr blah poo! Gotta believe that the shitty days/ moments will one day be a memory that we can all cheers ourselves for getting through. Hope today was better @kiwi Angel and thankyou @soldier crab for sharing , loved the article xo6 -
I've adjusted to the fact that my feet will feel odd for the rest of my life. I just concentrate on the minuscule improvements which continue to happen, particularly my toes and believe that one day I will be able to 'tuck my toes' in yoga! Managed to use my toes to push to a shoulder stand last week!!7
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The secret suckiness of your body not understanding what your brain wants it to do.
Sorry for yet another yoga story, but that practice is my safe testing ground; if I topple over on my mat it's not the same problem as me falling while bush walking or doing other unfrogiving stuff..
I can not make my legs obey orders like rise from a knee lunge to my toes. I seem to have lost all my 'spring'. I can walk up and down stairs that are a regular height, but if I have to push up over 600mm, it's knuckles on the ground and clumsy bum bumps before i get my feet back under myself. Now I've 'forgotten' how to do push ups. I could comfortably do dozen twelve months ago. Now my brain is not sending the right instructions. Maddening when I can bench press close to my body weight.2 -
I have to think about standing up rather than just doing it and it pisses me off! And getting up from a crouch - well that's just a joke.1
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