The Secret Suckiness Of Life After Breast Cancer

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  • Kattykit
    Kattykit Member Posts: 252 ✭
    My legs don't even bend properly anymore with this pin in my right thigh, child's pose is a definite no go, my leg just won't go there, you really don't realise how flexible your bones are til you try and do stuff that used to be a piece of cake.
  • Sister
    Sister Member Posts: 4,961 ✭
    No, you're not alone @inkpetal I'm trying to find the positive in who I am now but damn, it's a struggle.
  • kmakm
    kmakm Member Posts: 7,974 ✭
    Oh I'm definitely in that cycle @InkPetal. It's quite complex. I'm working with a psychologist to reframe my thinking if I can, and relying on time to heal and adjust, as so many have advised here. Have hopes for the former but not so much the latter. Can't see that I won't ever be sad that my old life is never coming back. I suppose that is a normal reaction to ageing in many ways, but in the case of some illnesses like BC, it comes on hard and fast and so adjusting is more challenging. Sigh. K xox
  • Summer Prevails
    Summer Prevails Member Posts: 82 ✭
    @InkPetal Um...my whole life summed up in your words! Thank you.

    I am like an old widow mourning someone dead, and trying desperately to find something to fill in the black hole they left when they died. ? It’s just bizarre. To try to explain this kind of ongoing subconscious grief/guilt state as a survivor to anyone who has never been through BC is futile. It’s like explaining the colour turquoise to a person who only sees in black and white. You can’t. So you just stop talking or trying after a point. And this is a messy and very lonely place to have to live, with no self expression. 
  • kmakm
    kmakm Member Posts: 7,974 ✭
    @Summer Prevails Yes, yes, yes. I've had a really bad day today. I'm in such pain it's hard to credit. It will pass I know, but it will also return.
  • kmakm
    kmakm Member Posts: 7,974 ✭
    Oh @Summer Prevails I do hope that's true. I am finding my life mostly an utter grim miserable slog. And yes, it does feel permanent.

    I don't look back very often but today I've been seized by the refrain of "I wish I could go back to how it was, I want my old life back". I know no good comes of this way of thinking so I'm trying to turn my brain away from this thought as best I can.

    I get upset looking at pre-cancer photos too. Shit, I got upset looking at a young couple with a son and baby daughter in a cafe today. They were where I was 15 years ago. I looked at them simultaneously envying them for their innocence and hope, and pitying them for the misery that life will heap on them.

    Cancer has wrecked my eyebrows too. They are no longer even; one side being far too short, not extending enough to the middle, and both patchy.

    The pain I referred to was the river of pain that flows inside me that some days, most days, threatens to sweep me away. I try not to let it come out, I try not to write about it here. But I can't talk about it with anyone irl except my psychologist and I can't afford to see her as often as I'd like. It's despair as you say, that little will be good for the remainder of my life. I'm trying, I'm trying so hard. Occasionally I string together some days where life is passable, but mostly it's pain and deep sadness. Plus AI bone pain.

    Everyone here says it will get better. You've got a terrific way with words, "increeeeedibly slooow evolution we must go through, to get not back to our old selves, but to ARRIVE at the place where we have fully let go of the sadness". Will we really? I can't see it right now. 

    I don't recognise myself. I think the AI is deepening and lengthening my depression. I'll keep trying and hope the ship turns, but it's getting harder.

    I'm glad you're feeling brighter @Summer Prevails. Long may it stay that way. K xox
  • Sister
    Sister Member Posts: 4,961 ✭
    I'm hearing you.  No-one who hasn't been here in some form can really get it.  The sad remains of my bustline are just cosmetic and only really bother me on occasion.  It's trying to recreate somebody out of what's left that's hard.
  • Brenda5
    Brenda5 Member Posts: 2,423 ✭

    Sister said:

    It's trying to recreate somebody out of what's left that's hard.

    I whole heartedly agree! That's where I am at this moment in time. I cannot go back to buying and renovating houses. I no longer have the interest or money to keep over two dozen aquarium tanks in a dedicated fish room and breed fish.
    Technically I am supposed to be in early retirement so getting an actual job is out.
    I was always a physical doer even as a kid and now that is largely gone so what to do with myself? Looking at the clutter in this house I could start selling stuff on Face book or Ebay lol. Probably take years to get rid of it all.
  • Beryl C.
    Beryl C. Member Posts: 270 ✭
    What wise and practical thoughts - I am always inspired by the deep wisdom, honesty and practical approaches which I use to adjust (or not) to the 'new' me whom I did not invite or aspire to. When I feel flattened I think about my grandmothers and the odds they faced - two world wars, the depression, a legal system which did not afford them equal rights etc. and yet ....... throughout their lives they reared children, ran their households in very primitive conditions etc. and I never heard of their private suffering. They taught me how to sew, crochet, knit and cook. Showed me how to appreciate each day no matter how difficult and both loved the arts. They somehow managed to find joy, I wish I could sit with them over a cuppa, but my memories are vivid and give me solace on those **##!!! days.
  • KarynJ
    KarynJ Member Posts: 193 ✭
    What frustrates me is that even if there is a support group or craft group or something, it's only ever offered during business hours.  I work 5 days a week.  But I'd love to go to a survivor's support group on a weekend or after hours.  Just because I'm working doesn't mean I don't still want to connect with others going through this situation.  Like everyone has said, just because I'm not still being fried from the inside out, doesn't mean I'm fixed and have gotten over it.
  • arpie
    arpie Member Posts: 8,200 ✭
    @KarynJ  - shoot @Dawnc a message - she is keen to catch up with a fellow BCer - she is in Brisbane South ... hopefully you & some others of the Qld mob may be able to meet up for a coffee & a chat!    Someone previously put up a post about a South East Qld shop that was doing Beauty Sessions for BCers ...... you may be able to make a day of it!!  (Can't find the thread tho!)


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