The Secret Suckiness Of Life After Breast Cancer
Comments
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@Sarnicad - I just wanted to pick up on the fraud feeling you mentioned, that word struck me.
I think I’ve been made to feel like a fraud or something too, not for the amount of cancerous breast tissue that was cut out (I had a lumpie too) - but perhaps by the comments of some people I have talked to here and there. I’ve had so many conversations where someone will compare my Stage 3/bloody awful/destructive breast cancer to someone else’s brain cancer that they had an operation for, or someone’s ovarian pre cancer that they had to take some chemotherapy oral meds for, or someone’s whatever random cancer story. And not to ever take away from their stories...but after a while I got the impression that people had started to JUDGE my cancer against others, while never having personally gone through it themselves. And after a while I thought hey, maybe I had it easy, and my breast cancer is just a walk in the park on a sunny day. Maybe I am a fraud. Maybe I have nothing to complain about and this whole thing has been as easy breezy as a simple headcold?
And I think that’s the shitty insidious mind game this disease plays on us. Long long after the biology heals, the psychology is the most brutal thing. It’s not how much was physically thrown at you so much as how badly wounded your head and your heart got from it all.6 -
@arpie I am scared of eyebrow tattooing, even the new fancy microblading style can go hideously wrong. Don’t google image microblading gone wrong lol! It’s weird because a lot of people have insecurities about their appearance without being affected by cancer at all. And yet when cancer does alter your body in a permanent way, it’s so completely unjust and sort of surreal. So it seems like it’s even harder to deal with. Whereas if I had always had thin patchy brows, I’d probably be fine with it! Sigh.
You just really miss what you had once it’s gone I guess.1 -
@kmakm We can’t see clouds changing shape or predict the new shape either. It’s too gradual for the brain’s visual system or whatever to grasp. But we become aware that change has taken place by the time it’s obviously a different cloud shape, right? I reckon this is the same with depression and grief and trauma. The brain just can’t get far enough outside itself to predict or appreciate the new reality ahead. It is stuck and trying to cope with basics! But that doesn’t mean that a new and more positive reality ISN’T possible. You just can’t see it yet. Have to take a huge leap of trust in yourself.
Im having a daily internal battle of I’m dead inside, Oh well there goes my life vs. Damnit I didn’t just survive this thing for nothing! I want to live! So my positivity really wavers. I never get to talk to anyone close anymore either. My friends and even mum change the subject if I talk about pain or sadness. It sucks. A lot. I just become detached and spend all my time with dogs and any distraction that gets me through the day! I do think my annoying stubborn anger at being sick is an amazing motivator, that keeps me fighting and in perspective and positive when all else fails. I am so competitive that no matter how depressed I get, the outrage of losing to it just drives me on blindly.7 -
Very few people are comfortable talking about life and death. A life threatening illness (forget the 'fraud') brings on these thoughts and it can really help to turn them into proper conversations. Otherwise they just stew around in your brain. There's nothing wrong with them at all, they are part of change and change is essential for growth, but they can make others uncomfortable and discomfort often means switching off. However rage and depression don't lend themselves to resolution all that well - talking to an empathetic stranger (no judgment, no pack drill, no discomfort) may be beneficial. Half the time we don't need to be told the answers, we just need the right climate to talk things through ourselves to the helpful conclusions. Best wishes.3
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@Summer Prevails What a thoughtful response. And my response to that is, I suppose. I have no way of knowing if you're right, which is of course, what you're saying. Maybe one day I'll recover some joie de vivre, maybe not. Only time will tell.
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My 14 yo said something to me a week or so ago... "Mum, you said to us a long time ago that if you're feeling sad and you make yourself smile or think positively when you can, you can change your mood. It really works, doesn't it?" I've always tried to do it but it has certainly been harder over the last 12 months.3
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Goodness you're not a fraud!
Sometimes family and friends seem not to be on your page. It's not intentional usually they have a tale or comparo they think you need to know. Dear oh dear! That's where this forum helps as we understand and get it.
Perhaps some counselling may give you some coping mechanisms.
Stage or grade is different for all and isn't for comparison. Hey it's cancer
Take care and don't let it eat you as you are still you1 -
So so tired. Don’t wanna do. Sigh. Push through. Maybe tomorrow. Or the next day. One day I will feel less tired. One day I will also feel less fatigued. The light is there at the end of the tunnel. But sometimes the tunnel seems so long. Hugs to all you lovelies. I know a lot of you are struggling with the same. 💕2
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Spent the morning fighting Atrial Fibrillation. I had only woke up, took my heart pill with a glass of water and went to the loo and it hit. Hours later and a second pill and I finally got it under control but blimey, I hadn't done anything to bring it on at all. Getting that way I am not wanting to get out and do anything any more in case I snuff it. I wish they would just fix the stupid thing. Having two heart beats at once is not fun.0
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Hi @Brenda5, from the position of someone who hasn't had that happen in 3 years, it can improve! I've had the cardioversion (electric shock), the medications and now I am just on betablockers and blood thinners. My cardiologist and I don't fancy ablation (not yet anyway!). My heart rate is steady, not fast and my oncologist (who worried me by taking an eternity reading my pulse last week) says that it's almost not definable as AF or an arrythmia any more!! I've been lucky that I didn't get the palpitations/flight or fight feelings when in tachycardia, but even so, your pulse racing along can make you feel very uncomfortable. I initially worried that this irregularity was snuff stuff! I had a regularly irregular heartbeat for decades before bc, it's quite common and not a problem, and I may be actually heading back to that state. You are correct, it's not fun but maybe fixable. Best wishes.3
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@Blossom1961 Oh that is so true.1
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I NEVER fantasise about that!4
