Where did my gratitude go? I swear I left it right here somewhere...
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Hi everyone
i am so sorry for not responding for ages. I’ve been in various states of bad. I have managed to fall over and injure my back, some kind of facet joint/muscle injury that is mysterious but hurts so much I’ve been on tons of painkillers. And hence - the Fog increased.
Im still depressed and really really exhausted. I think I’m slowly working out what exactly has caused it. It’s not just breast cancer. It’s me. I’m screwed up! It goes deeper than just having had a serious illness. Still haven’t seen any psych people. Saw my GP but I lied about my true mental health state for some dumb reason?
anyway I hope to check in later and keep talking things out if you’ll allow me to mumble through some of it.
Hugs
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Please do H. I just saw my psychologist for the first time in two months. I'm so f*****g miserable it's ridiculous. Cried, went back to the car, cried some more and am now sitting in a cafe sucking on a long macc (because I woke up six times last night, once from the dog whining at my door, the rest from hot flushes) trying not to cry. So so tired and overwhelmed with pointlessness. And then of course I feel guilty for not having the gratitude... What purpose does feeling guilty about feeling sad and ungrateful serve I ask you? It is the stupidest emotion I've felt in this whole wretched experience.
We all carry previous baggage into our BC. Some of us unearth previously unrealised baggage that's been sitting in the left luggage office waiting for us to collect it... I'm told the cloud will lift. In the hope that it will I keep plodding. Got a couple of tips from That Poor Woman as @Zoffiel has so perfectly named those who are paid to listen to our woes. So I'm going to try them put over the next few weeks.
One of the questions I asked was, so when people say 'how are you?' do I just say OK and move the conversation along? Yes she said, save the honesty for me and only the closest of your friends. At the risk of drawing ire from some here, to that I would add this forum. We all need to offload to sympathetic ears, to people who we feel will understand. It's not up to me to tell you to pull your socks up. I will hear your vent, your mumbles, your maundering and I will sympathise, console and if I think I have something that might help, I'll suggest it. PM me if you want.
Sorry to hear your back is acting up. I hope it feels better soon. K xox5 -
Mumble away @summerprevails Just the thought of unpacking some of this stuff is exhausting. If you can find your own Poor Woman (or Man) you give yourself more options. You can start unloading, decide not to or have a supported meltdown then walk away from the process if that is what you feel like doing.
On the subject of shrinks, my partner's family has a Christmas in July tradition. For logistical reasons we have hosted it for the last three years which means we do the majority of the catering as other family members travel long distances and bring elderly relos who require high level care with them. Anyway, long story short is one of the participants is a psychologist who is about my age. She's a nice enough woman, but I do struggle with some rather pointed questions about how I'm coping.
My partner is very fond of her, so I know I have to Play Nicely. So, I behaved myself and presented a wow factor Xmas feast. I was a chef for a couple of decades and it's a good kitchen so cooking for a dozen people is no big deal. I kept the wine consumption to a minimum but, despite trying to avoid being cornered by this person, I felt like she was either giving me knowing looks or actively stalking me.
So, when it came to pudding time--complete with the ancestral silver coins--I drank Nanna's Brandy. This bottle of plonk has been around for years and is only used for lighting the pudding. I, apparently, poured too much into the saucepan to pre heat it. So I drank the excess. Then I polished off the rest of the bottle. I didn't do that all on my own, I snuck a couple of nips to my partner's 92 year old aunt. She thought it was hilarious. The shrink took it as evidence that I'm off my chop. I'm sure I haven't heard the end of it, but that booze was delicious.
The lesson, take small pleasures on board. Even if they only last for a couple of minutes. Mxx
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Mumbling, venting, whinging, screaming and drinking the Christmas brandy all definitely allowed here!1
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Oops - posted too quickly @Summer Prevails Glad to hear from you again but sorry to hear about your injury - back pain is agony.0
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@Summer_Prevails - definitely feel free to whinge, rant and cry here - we all do at some stage and we need each other more than ever when we are feeling down. I have my first shrink appointment next month so it will be interesting to see if I find it beneficial. Big hugs xoxox2
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oh my gosh!! so glad i came back to this group, this was me!!!! just feeling absolute non joy.....i tried a mental health nurse (Who was lovely) but didn't really fix me, and then i was at the point where i thought okay i need to see the dr and get onto some anti depressants......(as much as i also didn't want to do that)
Then we went on a holiday, 2 weeks in vietnam, one week literally lying by the pool in hoi an, we met a great couple that had gone through the same last year, (Though she had chemo as well) and just the chance to chat and know that they got it...I came back and started really enjoying work again, and cut myself more slack, who cares if i don't have a spotless house, not me, we have a cleaner but we only get her for 2 hours a week so my house isn't shiny if you know what i mean, but our floors and girls bathroom is done weekly. The last few weeks I have been pysching myself up to rejoin a fitness program.... We stopped again while on holidays and i literally do no exercise.
The endo dr for graves tested me for celiac, but that came back clear. So i saw a dietician re my icky feeling and have given up normal milk so i only have lactose free now, and i am taking a probiotic not sure which worked but finally after almost a whole year of feeling icky every single morning, now i only have occasional days. imagine how much better that feels. Also saw a physio as i was getting a sore back (From being so lazy) omg that killed but he gave me some stretches to do and that has helped heaps too. Had a pap smear finally that i had put off for years and got the all clear on that.
My only main concern now is i literally can't see a future future anymore, like i am sure i used to make plans like lets move to the beach when we are old. and even in joyful moments, i have a vague feeling of dread, like something bads going to happen. I have signed up for something through cancer council about exercise as well. I have done the first survey part and there is a longer call this week. (Husband was kinda bugging me to do something but i needed it to be my choice, yes i can be slightly pig headed.)
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@DearB I can't see a future future either. Explained this to the psych this morning. So many bad and stressful things have happened to my family that I just can't see the point of looking forward with hope and optimism. So at the moment I'm trying operating on a rolling six month horizon, putting things in my diary that I can look forward to in the short to medium term. With any luck that horizon will lengthen. I've always been a long term planner so this is a big change for me and I find it discombobulating (which has to be one of the best words ever!). K xox1
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@Summer Prevails It's good to hear from you. Please mumble, rant, swear, be miserable, do whatever you want to do. We're hear to listen. I can't provide solutions for anyone but I can listen and send you virtual hugs. I hope you find a solution to your back pain soon.
"Guilt" should not exist in our vocabulary. In fact, neither should "should".
@Zoffiel I love your partner's 92-year old aunt. I can envisage you during that event. And I rejoice in the fun it gave you to give the imaginary finger to your shrink relation as you downed the ancestral brandy.
@kmakm You must have baggage upon baggage upon baggage. It will take a lot of tears to wash that away.
Today I'm 3/4 of the way through post-surgery chemo and I can't imagine how I would have got this far as mildly sane as I am at this point, without the women on this forum.
Fran
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I refuse to admit to any combobulation - I was framed!2
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Discombobulated - definitely an outcome of BC (and most definitely an awesome word), because to be discombobulated is more than confusion, it is confusion wrapped up in a thick layer of frustration and that is disconcerting. To be disconcert about the future - upheaved and unsettled, to me that is EXACTLY it! Life's trajectory has changed and adjusting takes time. Be gentle on your souls @DearB and @kmakm. xox2
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Hello @Summer Prevails it sounds like things have been very tough lately. Please don't hesitate to ring the BCNA Helpline 1800 500 258 for support also0
