Where did my gratitude go? I swear I left it right here somewhere...

@onemargie

That is one awesome post - I really think it should be 'stickied' somewhere!

haha  Trust me - It is the violin that sounds like a cat being strangled (if I am playing it!)  LOL  At least Ukes have 'frets' on them that show you where to put your fingers!   With Violins, you sorta have to 'guess'!!  That's why they 'slide into notes', I reckon - to cover up their mistakes!!  ;)   Others may call it 'being soulful, adding pathos!'   We do 'Somewhere/Wonderful World' - the first time we 'nailed it' - it seriously gave me goose bumps!!

@"Summer Prevails"  - as @kmakm  and others have said, please call the BC Helpline or BCNA to have a chat - hopefully one will be open on a weekend.   I hope that with counselling and time, that you will feel better about all this shit we are all going thru.

My heart bleeds for those of you doing it really tough just now - thank GOD we have BCNA on which to talk about our feelings - good or bad - and just get that wonderful support - and know there are ears out there listening and understanding.

If you are having family problems or other shit going on in your life - just remember -  we are your 'family' - we are your also your friend.

TAKE CARE xxxx and know that you are loved and valued  xx

Aaahhhh breast cancer the gift that keeps on giving.  @kmakm @"Summer Prevails" @beccabecca    @"Annie C" @dak2  @Sister. 

 It’s been two years now cancer free for me and I definately have felt like that for sure. And its probably no  reassurance to any of you at the moment that it does get better with time I know. The sleep deprivation other adversity and stress that life so generously gives us and accepting the new normal is a bitch thats for sure.everyday life just feels like a chore, you get this numbness that you’ve never had, and some people around you expect you to just get on with life. Are you grateful to have gotten through treatment..... yes. Are you gresteful to be alive.... fuck yes. BUT....

 I felt at the time when I was having trestment and probably until sbout a year after  exactly like you guys it also took both my boobs and mojo and left me more mental than previously (I was always a bit nutty)  I still have brain farts but they are more of a fluff now. You used to be able to hear my brain exploding from the moon.  

It ripped out my soul, my heart and my life and destroyed our  bank account, then  chewed them up spat them out stomped on them and then threw it all into butt fuck nowhere. It put my headspace in places I never want to feel again or wish upon anyone else,  vulnerable, and with little self esteem. @sister I remember visiting my work one day too and feeling that way about the girl that was “supposed to be filling in” just wanted to pull her hair and wipe that smile off her fuckin face.   If I heard anyone say “oh you’re  so brave, or gosh you look so good” or Let me know if you need anything (which you know they only say as a cliche) I just wanted to fucking stab them  

It also did similar to my hubby who at the time of my diagnosis had just spent 6 months visiting his brother in hospital as a result of a fall from a quad bike, pissed , with no helmet on that left him with a traumatic brain injury.  (Another story for another day)

I had triple neg so I don’t have to take post treatment meds that some get to take to prevent recurrence and although chemo was shitty and seriously I would of rather drunk roundup  I felt somewhat protected by it then when I finished I thought what’s going to protect me now?  And that’s maybe when I felt my worst So I get it. I’ve felt it and been through it too and come out the other side 

BUT. As shitty as I felt, every day I felt that way I would make sure I did something I loved prior to getting crook. I never felt like it, it was a fucking chore, but on the days I didn’t do it I felt worse so I’d make myself get up, get out and walk my dogs, do some cooking, I loved cooking and still do so I would find something nice to cook and cook that even though I might not eat it, I got into gardening, never touched a garden in my life expect the pot plants under the pergola that I’d mostly kill, and that was so therapeutic I even made bamboo trellis’s for cucumbers and they looked awesome! So what the fuck is that about.!! Lol. 

 I’d go places that I loved too like the beach or the bush and feel the breeze on my face and close my eyes and listen to nature st it’s best. Or I’d wander around the markets picking produce to take home and cook with,  went to Pilates yes that’s right Pilates never done that before..... even farted in the class when I was in positions I’ve never been in before too!!! Blamed it on some little old lady next to me who could wrap her legs around her head! .  Anything that could make me focus on anything other than bc. @zoffiel ‘s thing is to build shit she’s really very clever. You should see her outdoor bath.@arpie I think the sound of a cat being strangled would sound better than me playing the uke lol. But I’m so pleased you love it. I love the sound of it. I heard someone playing somewhere over the rainbow at the markets once. It was beautiful. 

Mentally for the past 12 months I’ve felt the best I ever have, I’m sleeping better, the hot flushes have gone, the neuropathy has pretty much disappeared, still get the osteo aches and pains, I got a new job back in March which is the best thing I ever did I’m still stressed with other stuff going on in life believe me but I’m getting through it, paddling away through the shit creek that bc has left me in but still paddling and no longer feel like I’m face down drowning in it. You guys on here have helped with that along with my awesome hubby and kids. 

@kezmusc has nailed it in her last paragraph. “You don't have to be bouncing off the walls every day, don't be angry with yourself.  There is no place for guilt in this It will get better though and you will find your own way back to you” and that’s exactly what happens.

You just have to be kind to yourself and be patient,  and for fucks sake keep on paddling. Once I accepted the new normal it started to get easier from there. I now focus on the things I can do rather than the things I can’t. Take each day as it comes and if it doesn’t get done today it will get done tomorrow or the next day or next week. Shit that mattered before I got crook doesn’t matter so much anymore.

BUT it does get better. Make sure you get the help you need from a health professional if you need it like @kmakm. It doesn’t mean you’re all fucked up if you need to see someone or call the BCNA support line it just means you’re human, it’s normal and it’s ok.  Biggest hug ever to you all. Margie xxx 

@"Summer Prevails" I've felt that I don't see any point but I know, as with any depression, that it takes time and help to get through.  And just because you're going through all of this bc shit doesn't mean that the everyday shit has disappeared.  But it is common.  In fact, I was talking to a group of women the other day about Super and income protection and one of the women is getting a payout because her Super covers trauma (as in PTSD type) and a breast cancer diagnosis and treatment comes under that.

@"Annie C" @"Summer Prevails" Sometimes I think my reaction is a bit childish, that it's a bit of a 'it's not fair' drumming my heels into the floor moment. Of course life is not fair, and when it comes to BC it's actually why not me... Especially when the stats are one in eight.

Life is full of disappointment, for most people I'd say. I am most certainly not where I thought I would be five years ago and unlike many things, it's as as result of several events very much outside my control. I know we're supposed to make lemonade out of lemons but f**k me, seeing the silver lining in killer brain tumours, dead sisters, mental illnesses (not my own), breast cancers and distressed & disturbed children is a bloody big ask.

It's going to take time for me to get over this. My own BC has sucked away the energy I was using to manifest my previous 'best foot forward' attitude. I hope I don't sink any lower than I currently am. It sounds like you've managed to turn things round @"Annie C", with time and kindness to yourself and putting yourself first? How much time before you started to feel a bit better?

I was warned having breast cancer would change me. So far I'm hating what it's done. Sounds like you are too Summer P. Anger at how you're feeling shows me you care. All I can say is hang in there. Like me you'll just have to trust that like everyone says, eventually this feeling of pointlessness will pass. We'll hang in there together if it's any consolation. Kate xox

Hello @"Summer Prevails". I will now admit that up to 2 months ago I too wished that I was dead. Since June 2017 I felt that my life had been turned upside down and nothing was the same.

A much needed holiday that I had been planning for 18 months to New Zealand was cancelled because it came smack bang in the middle of treatment. There were 6 of us going. The other 4 went - my husband and I did not. The money for that holiday was used to fund our stays in Perth for treatment -  none left now.

Lots of health problems resulting from surgery. But mostly I was suffering from the trauma of the whole BC deal. There was / is no counselling in the area where I live. I am now sort of ok. What did I find helpful. This forum site.

Just to read what other ladies wrote helped me to realise that what I thought, felt  and experienced was normal. My fears were rational. My worries were real. My "life is over" feelings were being felt by others.

 Life does go on - it is just not as it was. Just hang in there with us. 
Anger is all part of this damned disease. I was angry at everyone and everything. Did not matter what. There were a lot of boab nuts chucked at old man boab when I needed to vent my anger and frustration at what life had thrown at me 6 months into retirement. Not exactly what I had planned. (Old Man Boab is safe - my aim is dreadful).

I have learnt a lot from this BC experience. The most important lesson - to be kinder to myself, to put myself first". 

I get that too Summer P. I have had that thought from time to time. I don't really wish I was dead, but sometimes the pain is so great that the cessation of it appeals.

If you feel these thoughts are starting to overwhelm you, you need to speak to someone irl about it asap. I am massively down in the dumps at the moment. Everything seems so fricking pointless that I can't even bring myself to talk to my psychologist. However I've recognised that I really need to, so come Monday morning I'm calling for an appointment.

My psychologist told me that 50% of women who get breast cancer also have a bout of depression and that this usually occurs when active treatment has finished. She also told me that so similar is the psychological response to a diagnosis of breast cancer to PTSD, that they're studying if treatment methods of the latter would be useful in BC. So don't beat yourself up for feeling like crap. Well try not to anyway. I know it's hard...

Do you have a counsellor? It sounds like now would be the time to see them. Did you have a good breastcare nurse? You could always give her a call. There's the Cancer Council helpline on 13 11 20, and the BCNA helpline on 1800 500 258. Ring them.

Don't suffer this alone, no matter how alone you feel. There are many of us who feel the same. You have to hang in there, I have to hang in there. Those who have been before us tell us it passes. May that day be here soon. Deep breaths and a big hug. Kate xox

I just kind of wish I was dead. 

@Annie C
Good on you for giving Violin a go!!  Personally, i reckon Uke is MUCH easier!  ;)   One of my group plays violin & we had her play a solo verse of Danny Boy recently for our gigs - as well as us singing & playing - it was just awesome!!   When you are confident enough - you could do the same!  :)  hehe, I've 'tried' violin - and it was VERY squeaky!  :( 

I couldn't run round the block to save my life - Keith does that!!  I kayak fish & play uke!  :)   GOOD ON YOU for getting back into your sewing & craft making!  Do you have any pics of what you make?  I'd love to see them!

If you save a document as a JPEG - you should be able to post it!!  :) 

Take care xx

@arpie thankyou for your warm thoughts and I will be thinking of you on 9 July. Even though I was reassured by the good folk at Fiona Stanley Hospital clinic that all tests and results would be completed during the week we were in Perth, I did not believe them. I do now. 

We have a uke group in Derby WA which meets on Sunday mornings down at our jetty area for a "jam".  It would be lovely to be able to post music files.

I am not into learning the uke, however Lucy who leads the group has offered to teach me the violin ( she is monstrously talented music wise) and I am accepting her offer. Who knows maybe I will be the next Andre Rieue! (Not). I expect there will be the squeaky tones of Twinkle Twinkle and 3 Blind Mice coming from my sewing room! It's a challenge that I will embrace.

After I recovered from the trauma of BC I never did get into the raising money for cancer or marathon running deal. I could barely put one foot in front of the other for a few metres let alone 50 kms! I only wanted to curl up in the corner and lick my wounds but gradually the sewing machines called and I found myself sitting in front of them and I made myself go into the sewing room each day. After a few mangled mishaps I was back into sewing. I am now back at our CWA Saturday Markets with my crafts. It did take a year. The markets have helped to  improve my mindset of "feeling sorry for myself". 

@kezmusc I can relate to your analogy of the goalposts and I use goals to try and enjoy each day. I pick a goal, activity or challenge for each day. Usually something simple and attainable. It is amazing how something simple helps with the confidence.

.Completely normal. I remember posting a similar thing after I finished treatment.

  I think while going through this you have so many goal posts.  Just get through the surgery, just get through chemo, just get through radiation.  We expend so much energy just getting to those goals then bam...thanks for coming and we'll see you in three months, 6  months,12 months. No more goal posts to chase.

I think most people go through the"I'm going to do something amazing and worthwhile after this" feeling.  Then life slowly drifts back to the day to day grind of work, home and trying to decipher what the hell just happened.

Your family realizes your probably not going to drop off the perch any time soon and you are just back to normal mum, wife whatever.

If you are on HT you realize that treatment is going to go on for a very long time and have to adjust to that somewhat as well or get pissed of at it like I do...grr

Personally, I try to take notice of things now that once I wouldn't have given a second glance.  The clouds, the sky, the wind in the trees, the sound of the birds etc.  Now I am no, sit on top of a mountain and discover myself, kind of person so it does take and effort to be somewhat more observant, in the moment,  grounded....not sure what the right terminology is LOl

It does make me stop for a minute and appreciate the fact that I am still here and be thankful I found that stinky thing when I did.

The second thing I try to do is say "yes" to invitations and trying new things.  Once upon a time I would have been too busy, too scared, couldn't be bothered.  I am in the habit now of saying yes before I even think about it now.  

If I get a bit ho hum,  I go fix something or paint something, play (if that's what you can call it) my guitar, anything to distract my brain from itself. I find that works well for me.  I took a lot of photos of the things I did through treatment and made a video of all the good times I had along the way.  I found that helpful as well.  

You don't have to be bouncing off the walls every day, don't be angry with yourself.  There is no place for guilt in this.   It will get better though and you will find your own way back to you.  xoxoxoxo