I get that too Summer P. I have had that thought from time to time. I don't really wish I was dead, but sometimes the pain is so great that the cessation of it appeals.
If you feel these thoughts are starting to overwhelm you, you need to speak to someone irl about it asap. I am massively down in the dumps at the moment. Everything seems so fricking pointless that I can't even bring myself to talk to my psychologist. However I've recognised that I really need to, so come Monday morning I'm calling for an appointment.
My psychologist told me that 50% of women who get breast cancer also have a bout of depression and that this usually occurs when active treatment has finished. She also told me that so similar is the psychological response to a diagnosis of breast cancer to PTSD, that they're studying if treatment methods of the latter would be useful in BC. So don't beat yourself up for feeling like crap. Well try not to anyway. I know it's hard...
Do you have a counsellor? It sounds like now would be the time to see them. Did you have a good breastcare nurse? You could always give her a call. There's the Cancer Council helpline on 13 11 20, and the BCNA helpline on 1800 500 258. Ring them.
Don't suffer this alone, no matter how alone you feel. There are many of us who feel the same. You have to hang in there, I have to hang in there. Those who have been before us tell us it passes. May that day be here soon. Deep breaths and a big hug. Kate xox
