Today's feelings in poetry
Lucky So lucky, people say. That they caught it when they did That it hasn’t spread That they got it all That I have insurance So, so lucky. That my friend told me about her cancer That I finally moved my arse and Went and had that mammogram That I live in the lucky country So lucky That my prognosis is good That my job will be there for me That I am surrounded by family and friends With their love, soup and casseroles. Lucky. That my new set are perkier Smaller, Scar-rier, numb-ier. A bit lopsided Like me. Some days though, I just feel A tiny bit Unlucky.
Baring all
News story about showing off the scars doesn’t consider the trauma of seeing this. There’s a lot of discussion about bringing breast cancer to the attention of the public. With one in seven women likely to experience this disease I’d think it was already noticed, without having women undress to show scars. Also some of us don’t appreciate being reminded. And some think their medical history is a private matter. I was having a coffee with a dozen people in a cafe when my friend casually announced to everyone that I’d had breast cancer. Why is this okay?
After 13 years and 2 diagnoses today the biggest celebration yet...
After 13 years and 2 diagnoses today my Oncologist gave me a discharge. A day I NEVER believed would come or would be possible. To anyone who is at the beginning, don't let go of hope that you will get through this. It's definitely not lost on me the many that don't make it this far. So I feel humbled and incredibly reflective of the 13 years that have brought me to this day and to my new normal of who I have become. In 2011 I was diagnosed with ER+ left breast cancer, underwent biopsies, surgery, radiation and tamoxifen. Until 2015 at my yearly checkup the unthinkable, impossible happened, I had a recurrence in the same spot in spite of all the treatment. My world shattered for a 2nd time, another surgery and chemo which was no picnic but I look back and think wow kid...you did that! it was damn hard and you were so sick, but you made it out the other side, put on Arimidex and switched to Aromasin. 1 year on 2017 I was recommended to follow with a mastectomy, so I had a single done and diep flap reconstruction, massive op and difficult. So 6 monthly visits to the Surgeon and Oncologist since 2015. I gave the AI's away about 2 years ago, I had been taking them for 10 years. Thrust into menopause during Chemo, so that was hard to contend with. 6 months with an Exercise Physiologist to help me. Prolia injections 6th monthly for 8 years and today is the day the Oncologist gave me wings to fly...a feeling I've not known throughout the whole ordeal. A closure to this chapter and a possibility of moving forward with my new normal. I managed to get back to work in 2017 and haven't stopped. I work full time in Education particularly in behaviour management and my biggest passion was to publish a book of Poetry which I did recently. Something I may never have done if not from walking this path. I feel more connected to me than I ever was. So today I celebrate just for now I will sit with no thought of what tomorrow might bring. Live a great life everyone, and trust that you are brave enough and strong enough to get through it. PS: This is a link to my first book https://amzn.asia/d/i1vI8JN for anyone who is curious. Hugs xo Melinda
Why can’t I find a local support group???
I live on the Central Coast which everyone is telling me has the second most prevalent cases of breast cancer in Australia. I was diagnosed with early breast cancer in August and have since undergone 2 surgeries. Currently have the “Dracula” drain which I hate with a vengeance. I am lucky enough to have a very loving sister who has come to help me during this trying time but she doesn’t live close by normally. I am soon to start the radiation/maybe chemo/medication treatments and Iv’e been trying to find a local support group to help me through. I NEED people who have gone down the exact same track as me, who understand the emotional roller coaster the this experience actually is. I don’t think anyone who has not been actually through it, including the medical professionals, who can totally understand the impact on your mental state. I have always prided myself as being a very strong person but this has all brought me down to a feeling of despair.
The outlier
Hi all, I’m back again. In feb this year they found a new tumour which at the time they thought was a bit they had missed from my lumpectomy but now they are thinking is a very early recurrence (2 months post finishing herceptin). Last week I noticed some discolouration on my breast near my nipple which they biopsied and found it was the cancer on the move and had come in to my skin via the lymphatic system (despite being on chemo). The last week has been the usual whirl of staging scans which have all shown it contained to the breast still. Yesterday I had a mastectomy where they also took a large amount of skin and pulled up my stomach skin to cover the gap and they did an auxiliary clearance. I’m feeling terrified of what is to come and it’s not helping that the drs seem genuinely worried too and say things like “I’ve never seen cancer move this fast” and the like. They have all said that there is hope that they have got it all now but I feel like that’s a pretty small hope. I’m scared and sad and I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere for support. I’m not early breast cancer, I’m not a survivor and I’m not yet metastatic. But I’m scared I could be dead within months the way things are going. I’m her2+ er- and have been on herceptin, perjeta and taxol but I’m guessing that’s changing soon. I get the results from pathology next Thursday and I guess they make a plan from there depending on what they find but it all feels pretty hopeless. Some days I find I can feel calm and ok and other days I just cry which feels like a waste if I haven’t got many days left. I just want some better luck to come my way and I’m tired of being the outlier.
Be aware and be safe with Beyond Blue
I often read of members wo are going through tough times but don't have easy and timely access to a counsellor. A few months ago attended a session for people who feel anxious or depressed and we were given a fantastic tool to help us through the bad times. I completed my safety plan when feeling really 'up' and when I am alone and really 'down' during this Victorian lockdown and the whole pandemic worry I get it out and feel it does help me to get through. The plan is simple but works. If you have this tendency I hope you will take the time to view and complete this. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning/create-beyondnow-safety-plan Sending big hugs to all. 💖
Cancerversary 🍀
Hello lovely ladies. Today, on April Fools, I celebrate one year since my double mastectomy. Mixed feelings, for sure. It hasn’t been easy, that goes without say, especially with the whole surgeon saga happening. I’ve found out he left tissue behind in both breasts, in areas that were shown suspicious on the pre-surgery MRI. And he didn’t highlight those areas for pathology to check, so not sure what there even was there. He also refused to test further post surgery. Luckily my beautiful current surgeon is on top of it. However, I am still grateful that I had the surgery, as it rid me of those treacherous lumps in both of my breasts. I felt very happy after it, because my body knew most of the ‘evil’ was gone. So it’s definitely a positive thing, and I will celebrate in some small way. Emotionally, I’m so much better than what I was then, it’s hard to put in words. This forum had a lot to do with me getting better ♥️. It’s a special place 🕉. So did my current surgeon and her practice manager 💜💙. Anyway, to all the newbies, and all those struggling, it does get better. Hard to see that in the midst of despair, but nothing is permanent, so happiness and confidence will enter our lives again when we are ready to accept it and fight for it. Cheers to a cancer-free future 🤞🍀🥂
Interesting article: “Smile! You’ve got cancer”
A friend shared this article with me today, by the great American writer Barbara Ehrenreich. It’s about 10 years old but I found it really interesting, and am so curious to hear thoughts from the wonderful minds here on this forum. Especially those of you who have been in this world for a little while longer than me. Even just a few weeks in I found a lot resonated for me and has given me a lot to think about! https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/jan/02/cancer-positive-thinking-barbara-ehrenreich (It looks like several of Ehrenreich’s books are about to be re-issued in May 2021, just FYI).
Go Forth...and live your life!
Hi Everyone, It has been a LONG time since I have been back online. The past few months have been one hell of a road trip indeed. The months away have been spent, trying to get through numerous rounds of chemotherapy, each one systematically throwing endless side effects that eventually took their toll on my health. I spent a fair bit of the time crawling my way from bed to bathroom with months of diarrhea and having a good cry session at how "crap" my life had become (pun intended). I had several trips to the hospital with chest pains that had the doctors pretty concerned, only to realise my body was rejecting the chemo but I persevered till the end. I THINK the doctors thought telling me "Wow, we didnt think you would survive?" was somehow reassuring - ah that would be a negative! Thinking I would get hopefully some sort of break between chemo and radiation was delusional. 3 weeks after finishing chemo, I was laying on my back, topless getting zapped for 6 long weeks. My skin handled the radiation exceptionally well, until 8 days after the last dose, I woke to horrendous pain, the loss of the use of my left arm and covered in about 400 blisters from mid torso to my neck and around my side. I discovered I was highly allergic to the flamazine cream, which created huge open ulcerated sections and I looked like I had been baking myself in a 3000 degree oven. Thankfully, all is healed and I am back to looking "normal". The energy levels are still low, the metallic taste is gone, I can no longer look at a Pork Chop without throwing up and ice blocks are still my favourite go to food! I still need the odd afternoon nap, however one good thing has occurred - I have lost over 11 kilos and feel happier. I must admit, the visit to the Oncologist to begin the next step in life - "what tablet shall I swallow each day?" brought some very interesting information that had previously been unspoken by the medical team. It is amazing when a new doctor takes over from the old one and inadvertently informs you some facts that had been kept VERY quiet, in fact I think the C.I.A. would have been impressed by the secrecy....it has made me wonder whether the rather blase comment of "Go forth and live your life" uttered by the Radiation Oncologist was a standard routine comment, so they can sign you off the books? When the word "IS" is uttered and not "was" when talking about my BC, made my eyebrows raise. Anyway, while I wrap my head around the sheer fact that I have surprised my medical team by actually surviving - no, I am not joking! They seemed to take great joy in telling me that over and over. I am trying to get my life back into some sort of actual semblance of activities that dont evolve around the word "Cancer". Slightly hysterical in actuality considering that has been the number one bloody owner occupier of my life for the past 12 months! By the way - Letrozole (Femara) seems to be the chosen tablet for the next 7 years of my life. I have been researching the side effects and I seriously hope and pray, my body along with its constant companion LUPUS, doesn't resort to throwing every single one of them at me! I am to be honest, dreading it. If you have managed to get this far......I have a question - has ANYONE REFUSED to take the medication and if so, how has it affected you?? I am asking merely to give myself various options so when i see the Oncologist - I go armed with information and not merely accepting their word as gospel. I have learnt over this past year, as much as I wanted to hide my head - I cant and couldn't. I needed to know what I was up against and also in some cases have serious discussions as to alternatives with the Medical team.... just so i could survive. So for the next few months, while I do the routine scans, tests, bone density, teeth check and wait to see the Oncologist again - I am looking forward to welcoming my third grandchild into the world (our first grand-daughter), see my beloved friend get married to the Love of her life and spend time swimming before the cold once again hits us. Life is sweet....hectic but sweet. I can now enjoy simply being LOIS once again.... Big hugs and thank you for reading this! Lois
