I thought I was doing okay

I love and thank you for all the support. It means so much. I find something in each and every response. Something to help me. Something which adds to my understanding and working through my own feelings. I have decided to take more control and I’m just starting hour by hour. First up I went for a walk this morning. Then sorted some paperwork. This hour I am checking in here. Next hour clean the kitchen. Baby steps.  I intend to call the cancer council tmw, I expect getting counselling this week will be hard but just some guidance and few words from a trained professional will help too even over the phone. You all sound so experienced and ‘together’. Maybe that how I look from the outside? There is a very large proportion of this that I would describe as PTSD. Such a wretched thing to happen to anyone. It’s hard for me to acknowledge the sadness, grief and bewilderment. I feel if I acknowledge it and feel it I will be stuck there. I feel sometimes that if I feel those feelings it will make the cancer come back. My mind plays tricks. I have to remind myself that the whole experience is very hard. It would be for anyone. I am only 9 months post treatment conclusion. It is the first year and I would say to anyone who was feeling as I do - it is completely normal and expected. The first year I would think is the hardest. Is that everyone else’s experience? I see that it is for some. It is normal to be feeling and reflecting on it all- even if you don’t want too. The existential crisis is normal. The questions regarding mortality and thinking that if this occurred 50-100 yrs the outcome would be very different. I panic and I want to avoid all these thoughts when actually thinking them and letting my brain flood with the feelings is actually a way of processing it and is healthy and required to move forward. 

I do know some positive stories: I know a lady who is 30 years post BC, many who are 5, 10, 15 years plus.  My three great aunts had BC in their late 50’s early 60’s who survived into their late 80’s/early 90’s leaving this mortal coil from heart disease. I know of people surviving bowel cancer 30 and 40 years on when treatment would of been so different, someone who has survived both cervical cancer and BC and she is 15 years out BC and 20 cervical cancer. 

Please don’t be surprised if after the coming weekend I connect on here again while I am overseas. 
Xxooo

Hi @JSN. I returned yesterday from my first overseas holiday since breast cancer.

I'm having a difficult time in survivorship due to my own BC and the accumulated trauma of family events over the past few years. I'm seeing a psychologist.

I was nervous about going back to a country I love. How would I 'be' there now? I'm happy to tell you it was OK. Different, but OK. There are no breast cancer ads in India! Graphic heart attack ones, diabetes ones, but no BC ones. The world didn't care about my health, and despite being called sir a few times, lol, it was all good and refreshing to be out of my home environment and away from everyday cares.

The folk above have given you some great advice. Let go, breath and stay in the moment. Travel is especially good for the latter. I hope you're feeling better now. Have a wonderful trip, and I look forward to hearing how you go. Big hug, K xox

I was shocking and all my regular doctor could do was take blood tests and say there was nothing wrong with me. In the end I demanded a psychologist referral but those seem to be non existent here so I got a psychiatrist who put me on 'happy pills'. I persisted with them for a couple of months and they really didn't agree with me at all but they did get me over the bad hump of PTSD he diagnosed me with where I would wake being unable to breathe in a panic.
Once diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression, giving it a name seemed to get me on the mend. It wasn't just me being stupid, it was a condition I could work to manage. Now I take Cannabis oil as needed. It is better on my stomach and glands as the pills although helpful weren't great for me long term.

@ ((((JSN))))  here is a big hug for making it this far and only just having a wobbly:) You are allowed and absolutely normal. My hats off to you for going back to work! I am 64 and retired, I don't think I would cope so well if I was at the job I retired from.  Think horrible bosses on steroids.

I have not experienced it yet since my BC diagnosis, I have even been told by some people that I am too positive, who would have known there was such a thing?  

I am however prepared for the panic attack, sadness because I retired 4 years ago and went through a very dark couple of years, with back injury, self imposed isolation, feeling useless, different etc

I had my very first panic attack and it was so powerful that I thought I must be going mad or having a heart attack.
I cancelled my overseas trip because like you I did not want to go, that is when I knew I was in trouble.
   
Innocent remarks like "well we have to go because some of us have to work in the morning" used to be like a knife in my heart, it just accumulated until the dam broke with the loss of my 20 year old furchild.
I could not stop the tears and I lost interest in everything I used to enjoy.  Sometimes showering was too much trouble.

Finally dragged myself to the GP who referred me to a pyschologist, it was peeing down rain that day and I almost didnt go in because I was embarassed, which in hindsight was not necessary.

She was an absolute godsend - I was "normal".   She gave me pearls of wisdom that I still use today, don't look at the big picture, break things down to small chunks maybe not even a day at a time, maybe an hour.  Look after yourself, even pamper yourself.  I only needed a couple of sessions and no meds and gradually I returned to my old self. I cried and laughed and felt so good when I came out for the first time in 6 months because she said it was normal  to feel that way. 
So if you go down that path, I hope you get someone as wonderful as I did. 

I did have to ditch a couple of people because they were the same but I had changed, it's okay.  Some other friendships blossomed.

I'm new to the diagnosis of BC but I have travelled with my older sister through every inch of her "journey", btw she hates that word.  I like it because I associate it with travel, so proof that we are all different.

For all the ladies who want inspiration, my bis Sis was diagnosed in March 2004, I did all the chemo visits as they fell on my day off and I could pick up the kids, go to the supermarket, make dinner etc for them while she rested.

She has not had a recurrence and her last scan in March 2018 was the same.  She has changed but in a good way, she is very thoughtful and supportive of me, so I think I have been "fortunate" to have her as a role model.
   

Dear @JSN , 

from jennyss in Western NSW

Hey @JSN
Sending you a private message

As @primek says @JSN  - you don't always hear the 'good stories' .... so here are two!

BOTH my brothers' mothers in law were diagnosed with BC roughly at my age (65) and that was an era when it was whip it off, take full strength chemo and then Tamoxifen for 10 years (whether you were menopausal or not!)

They are still bouncing around in their 90s now!!  GO GRANNY!!

I hope you really enjoy your holiday - I treated myself to a trip to Norfolk Island at the end of my active treatment - it was the best medicine out there!   :)  

Wishing you a VERY Merry Xmas too!  ;)  

@JSN I don’t have anything to add to what the ladies above have said to you but wanted you to know I am sending big hugs your way.

I've had several dark patches in my recovery journey. Days when I didn't go to work as I couldn't stop crying. 
Days when I think "I will die from this disease eventually" and days I truly believe I'm cured. I do know hearing of others with recurrence and losing their battle triggers it. Not in your face...oh this is why I am like this...but a gradual slide into sadness and feelings of hopelessness. ..and just bloody angry too...the thought of soldiers on the war path being picked off one by one by a sniper..is what comes to my mind.
The trouble is...rarely do others talk about the person who had breast cancer 20 years ago and survived. It's only on here we occasionally hear of it. Yes support groups might too...but I suspect many are filled with people under current or ongoing treatment. The others have eventually  picked up their shattered confident self and moved on to this new normal life we live.
So lovely. ..have the holiday. Take  stock of now. Enjoy the scenery, the smells, the food (and wine) just enjoy being. My recent holiday I did just this. I had a bloody horrid intrusive thought on one day ...well if I die from this...at least I had this holiday  ...but ...it was just that, an intrusive thought, which I quickly dismissed, and deliberately decided I would give it no more of my time...and bring my self back to enjoying my holiday. 
Most likely this will pass. But if you find the sadness and anxiety continues do seek help. A few sessions will help get you back on the path of ...just being. X

All I can is I love you guys.
i will go on our planned holiday and I will keep on endeavouring to own all of it. It really is a warriors path.