@ ((((JSN)))) here is a big hug for making it this far and only just having a wobbly:) You are allowed and absolutely normal. My hats off to you for going back to work! I am 64 and retired, I don't think I would cope so well if I was at the job I retired from. Think horrible bosses on steroids.
I have not experienced it yet since my BC diagnosis, I have even been told by some people that I am too positive, who would have known there was such a thing?
I am however prepared for the panic attack, sadness because I retired 4 years ago and went through a very dark couple of years, with back injury, self imposed isolation, feeling useless, different etc
I had my very first panic attack and it was so powerful that I thought I must be going mad or having a heart attack.
I cancelled my overseas trip because like you I did not want to go, that is when I knew I was in trouble.
Innocent remarks like "well we have to go because some of us have to work in the morning" used to be like a knife in my heart, it just accumulated until the dam broke with the loss of my 20 year old furchild.
I could not stop the tears and I lost interest in everything I used to enjoy. Sometimes showering was too much trouble.
Finally dragged myself to the GP who referred me to a pyschologist, it was peeing down rain that day and I almost didnt go in because I was embarassed, which in hindsight was not necessary.
She was an absolute godsend - I was "normal". She gave me pearls of wisdom that I still use today, don't look at the big picture, break things down to small chunks maybe not even a day at a time, maybe an hour. Look after yourself, even pamper yourself. I only needed a couple of sessions and no meds and gradually I returned to my old self. I cried and laughed and felt so good when I came out for the first time in 6 months because she said it was normal to feel that way.
So if you go down that path, I hope you get someone as wonderful as I did.
I did have to ditch a couple of people because they were the same but I had changed, it's okay. Some other friendships blossomed.
I'm new to the diagnosis of BC but I have travelled with my older sister through every inch of her "journey", btw she hates that word. I like it because I associate it with travel, so proof that we are all different.
For all the ladies who want inspiration, my bis Sis was diagnosed in March 2004, I did all the chemo visits as they fell on my day off and I could pick up the kids, go to the supermarket, make dinner etc for them while she rested.
She has not had a recurrence and her last scan in March 2018 was the same. She has changed but in a good way, she is very thoughtful and supportive of me, so I think I have been "fortunate" to have her as a role model.