I love and thank you for all the support. It means so much. I find something in each and every response. Something to help me. Something which adds to my understanding and working through my own feelings. I have decided to take more control and I’m just starting hour by hour. First up I went for a walk this morning. Then sorted some paperwork. This hour I am checking in here. Next hour clean the kitchen. Baby steps. I intend to call the cancer council tmw, I expect getting counselling this week will be hard but just some guidance and few words from a trained professional will help too even over the phone. You all sound so experienced and ‘together’. Maybe that how I look from the outside? There is a very large proportion of this that I would describe as PTSD. Such a wretched thing to happen to anyone. It’s hard for me to acknowledge the sadness, grief and bewilderment. I feel if I acknowledge it and feel it I will be stuck there. I feel sometimes that if I feel those feelings it will make the cancer come back. My mind plays tricks. I have to remind myself that the whole experience is very hard. It would be for anyone. I am only 9 months post treatment conclusion. It is the first year and I would say to anyone who was feeling as I do - it is completely normal and expected. The first year I would think is the hardest. Is that everyone else’s experience? I see that it is for some. It is normal to be feeling and reflecting on it all- even if you don’t want too. The existential crisis is normal. The questions regarding mortality and thinking that if this occurred 50-100 yrs the outcome would be very different. I panic and I want to avoid all these thoughts when actually thinking them and letting my brain flood with the feelings is actually a way of processing it and is healthy and required to move forward.
I do know some positive stories: I know a lady who is 30 years post BC, many who are 5, 10, 15 years plus. My three great aunts had BC in their late 50’s early 60’s who survived into their late 80’s/early 90’s leaving this mortal coil from heart disease. I know of people surviving bowel cancer 30 and 40 years on when treatment would of been so different, someone who has survived both cervical cancer and BC and she is 15 years out BC and 20 cervical cancer.
Please don’t be surprised if after the coming weekend I connect on here again while I am overseas.
Xxooo