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Divorcing after treatment

BrownowlBrownowl Brisbane Member Posts: 21
Is there anybody out there who decided to end their marriage after treatment. What lead you to this and how did you go about it?

My husband and I have had issues for a long time. But now it seems like I can’t shoulder his issues as well as dealing with the possibility of a shortened lifespan. I finished treatment only last week so I’m wondering if I’m just dealing with what I’ve just been through or this needs to happen. Any advice would be great. Thank you xo


  • Julez1958Julez1958 SydneyMember Posts: 155
    Hi there
    i didn’t decide to end my marriage after diagnosis/ treatment but there was a bit of a “ recalibration”.
    I have just finished listening to the podcast series in one of the announcements above “ What you don’t know until you do “ by Dr Charlotte Tottman 
    a clinical psychologist who got breast cancer and it does cover this topic on an oblique way.
    I have certainly heard of marriages that have broken up after the woman has a breast cancer diagnosis .
  • iserbrowniserbrown Regional VictoriaMember Posts: 4,789
    "Podcast Series: Upfront About Breast Cancer – What You Don’t Know Until You Do, with Dr Charlotte To — BCNA Online Network" https://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/discussion/23866/podcast-series-upfront-about-breast-cancer-what-you-don-t-know-until-you-do-with-dr-charlotte-to#latest
  • Cath62Cath62 Brisbane Member Posts: 413
    Hi @Brownowl, I am not in your situation but most certainly for many after cancer there is a recalibration. I had treatment last year and this year I feel as though I am recalibrating my life. I have reflected on my life and how I got to where I am and what I want for my future. I am still in that process but I do know I won't put up with much like I use to. My boundaries are different and I am not sweating the small stuff. I want to enjoy every moment and I just live in the moment.

    My husband and I meet about 12 years ago, both second marriages. I met him after he had cancer treatment. He ended a bad marriage during his treatment. His final straw was his ex being unfaithful during his treatment. That probably would do it for me too. 

    I ended my marriage 30 yrs ago and was on my own basically for 20 yrs. I raised a son on my own, so very different to you. I sort help before I ended my marriage. I wanted to be very clear why and be sure within myself. I saw a psychologist, especially one who understands the impact of breast cancer. I am not sure you have gone down that path but maybe consider talking to some so you know if you're dealing with post cancer stuff or marriage or both. 

    Sending you a big hug 🌻
  • AfraserAfraser MelbourneMember Posts: 3,616
    A good counsellor is a smart idea after cancer - not to tell you what to do but to help you work out your (changing) priorities and blind spots. Someone who has experience with cancer patients may be particularly useful. It’s always a good idea, even if not always possible, to map out the pros and cons of any significant decision, with as much objectivity as you can, before taking action. Your GP or oncologist may be able to help with a referral to someone suitable. Best wishes. 
  • arpiearpie Mid North Coast, NSWMember Posts: 5,345
    Remember that this disease DOES muck with your brain as much as your body ..... has your dissatisfaction with the marriage increased in leaps & bounds since your diagnosis ... or has it just made you less prepared to sit it out, 'as is' and wait to see if it gets better?  Have you both had counselling?  Can your Cancer Centre put you onto a Breast Cancer Counsellor?

    Do what is right for you, @Brownowl .... this cancer thing can really tear people apart - particularly if one partner is not caring & supportive of the other going thru the cancer .... and if teenage kids are involved, possibly even worse!  :(

    Are you able to get away & have a total break from the house & responsibilities for 2-3 weeks?  That may 'wake them up' to just what you DO do around the house & their lives ..... it could be the wakeup call they need .... or do you think the marriage is beyond that already?

    Sending big hugs, take care xxx
  • HallaHalla Travancore, MelbourneMember Posts: 155
    I wouldn’t make any rash decisions when you are still fatigued with treatment, unless you are in danger of course,  but a relaxing break sounds ideal if you can manage one. 

    Have you and your husband talked it over together, and/or with a therapist? Breakups aren’t easy and it’s probably worth seeing if the relationship can work with better communication about changes you need  before you jump ship. Even if it doesn’t work out at least you will have tried. 
  • MicheleRMicheleR South AustraliaMember Posts: 310
    You are so soon out of treatment. I finished trestment in march and for a while things were quite stormy. Its a massive thing to process and whilst partners go through it with you its not the same experience. I saw a psychologist and feeling less ragey. Id recommend that first. Whatever you feel is what you feel but its the extreme end right now. Life settles a bit but ive come to realise its not cataclismic but takes maybe upward of a year to manage the emotions and you need to take it bit by bit. Others will not understand the black and whiteness of your thoughts. This is probably normal. For me it was.
  • ZoffielZoffiel Regional VictoriaMember Posts: 3,230
    You know your own heart. If things weren't great before and you are over the relationship, now is probably as good a time as ever to make up your mind. 
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