Divorcing after treatment
Brownowl
Member Posts: 21 ✭
Is there anybody out there who decided to end their marriage after treatment. What lead you to this and how did you go about it?
My husband and I have had issues for a long time. But now it seems like I can’t shoulder his issues as well as dealing with the possibility of a shortened lifespan. I finished treatment only last week so I’m wondering if I’m just dealing with what I’ve just been through or this needs to happen. Any advice would be great. Thank you xo
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Hi there
i didn’t decide to end my marriage after diagnosis/ treatment but there was a bit of a “ recalibration”.
I have just finished listening to the podcast series in one of the announcements above “ What you don’t know until you do “ by Dr Charlotte Tottman
a clinical psychologist who got breast cancer and it does cover this topic on an oblique way.
I have certainly heard of marriages that have broken up after the woman has a breast cancer diagnosis .0 -
"Podcast Series: Upfront About Breast Cancer – What You Don’t Know Until You Do, with Dr Charlotte To — BCNA Online Network" https://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/discussion/23866/podcast-series-upfront-about-breast-cancer-what-you-don-t-know-until-you-do-with-dr-charlotte-to#latest0
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Hi @Brownowl, I am not in your situation but most certainly for many after cancer there is a recalibration. I had treatment last year and this year I feel as though I am recalibrating my life. I have reflected on my life and how I got to where I am and what I want for my future. I am still in that process but I do know I won't put up with much like I use to. My boundaries are different and I am not sweating the small stuff. I want to enjoy every moment and I just live in the moment.
My husband and I meet about 12 years ago, both second marriages. I met him after he had cancer treatment. He ended a bad marriage during his treatment. His final straw was his ex being unfaithful during his treatment. That probably would do it for me too.
I ended my marriage 30 yrs ago and was on my own basically for 20 yrs. I raised a son on my own, so very different to you. I sort help before I ended my marriage. I wanted to be very clear why and be sure within myself. I saw a psychologist, especially one who understands the impact of breast cancer. I am not sure you have gone down that path but maybe consider talking to some so you know if you're dealing with post cancer stuff or marriage or both.
Sending you a big hug 🌻2 -
A good counsellor is a smart idea after cancer - not to tell you what to do but to help you work out your (changing) priorities and blind spots. Someone who has experience with cancer patients may be particularly useful. It’s always a good idea, even if not always possible, to map out the pros and cons of any significant decision, with as much objectivity as you can, before taking action. Your GP or oncologist may be able to help with a referral to someone suitable. Best wishes.2
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Remember that this disease DOES muck with your brain as much as your body ..... has your dissatisfaction with the marriage increased in leaps & bounds since your diagnosis ... or has it just made you less prepared to sit it out, 'as is' and wait to see if it gets better? Have you both had counselling? Can your Cancer Centre put you onto a Breast Cancer Counsellor?
Do what is right for you, @Brownowl .... this cancer thing can really tear people apart - particularly if one partner is not caring & supportive of the other going thru the cancer .... and if teenage kids are involved, possibly even worse!
Are you able to get away & have a total break from the house & responsibilities for 2-3 weeks? That may 'wake them up' to just what you DO do around the house & their lives ..... it could be the wakeup call they need .... or do you think the marriage is beyond that already?
Sending big hugs, take care xxx2 -
I wouldn’t make any rash decisions when you are still fatigued with treatment, unless you are in danger of course, but a relaxing break sounds ideal if you can manage one.Have you and your husband talked it over together, and/or with a therapist? Breakups aren’t easy and it’s probably worth seeing if the relationship can work with better communication about changes you need before you jump ship. Even if it doesn’t work out at least you will have tried.0
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You are so soon out of treatment. I finished trestment in march and for a while things were quite stormy. Its a massive thing to process and whilst partners go through it with you its not the same experience. I saw a psychologist and feeling less ragey. Id recommend that first. Whatever you feel is what you feel but its the extreme end right now. Life settles a bit but ive come to realise its not cataclismic but takes maybe upward of a year to manage the emotions and you need to take it bit by bit. Others will not understand the black and whiteness of your thoughts. This is probably normal. For me it was.1
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You know your own heart. If things weren't great before and you are over the relationship, now is probably as good a time as ever to make up your mind.2
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I was listening to the podcast “what you don’t know until you do”, I think it was episode 6 and it talked about not making major life decisions until a year after finishing treatment because it’s such a hard, emotional time and we are often adapting to new drugs and a new body and mind frame to boot. That said, at the end of the day, no one knows what the inside of anyone else’s marriage is so only you can make the call. I hope that whatever you decide, you find comfort and happiness. Wishing you all the best. Xx1
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Came on here looking for a thread like this. Like you @Brownowl my husband has been battling his own issues for years and our marriage was pretty precarious before my BC diagnosis in June. He couldn’t cope with it at all and I had to ask him to move out as the self destructive behaviour was so stressful for me to live with on the daily. So I have gone through almost all of my treatment in lockdown, living alone with 2 young kids while he is getting treatment... But you know what? It’s calmer at home, we’re happier, I feel much less stressed. Yes I’m tired, sometimes lonely, yes sometimes I worry about the future but I try to plan ahead and take it week by week.I don’t know how I will feel after I get through all of my own treatment and surgery. After what I’m going through, I think I will have a different outlook on what is ‘not negotiable’ for me. I don’t think a marriage with issues will magically get better after going through a challenge like cancer. A fresh start might be just what you need in all areas...?
Happy to chat more about it all. Such an isolating experience going through cancer if you don’t feel connected with your partner. X5 -
Welcome to the blog, @Magenta - sorry to see you here, but you are in the right spot to chat with others who have been thru what you have ...... it sounds like you've worked out a workable solution at home and hope it continues to work for you xx
Feel free to put your story up on the 'Newly Diagnosed' section .... which BC you have & what surgery/ongoing treatment & if you have any questions about anything .. just whack 'em up & I am sure someone will jump on & help with an answer. xx
You can add your 'general' location to your profile too - as members may know of specific services that may be available to you - or even meet up with members for a coffee & chat as Covid restrictions ease ....
take care0 -
An interesting read ....
https://www.curetoday.com/view/love-lost-the-effects-of-cancer-on-marriage-and-relationships
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Yes that was very on point.1
