Feeling better than expected what now
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Hi @Sister
Hmm. Im not feeling black and white about this. I might have to ponder a bit more.
There is part of me which is trying to do the "right thing" and possibly have my poker face on at work, i am superwoman. I dont like people at work choosing and it smarts to have to be approved to work. Its hard for me to admit this.
Id hate to go back and have to stop, it would feel a bit like failure.
Sometimes im worried im not taking this seriously enough (bc). Certainly it was shocking, chemo was challenging. Ive been through every emotion like grief. Ive accepted what happened but what now? Do i need to treat myself with kid gloves? Is reducing my work hours enough? Is introducing exercise and amending diet enough? Can i return to my life? Should i?
M
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I can hear myself - even though I didn’t stop working after diagnosis, I ended up asking the same questions. I knew I could work, I was working but did I really now need to amend my life, did I now need to ‘make allowances’? I saw a very good counsellor who smartly clarified that cancer wasn’t my issue - but being superwoman, calling the shots, working longer, harder, because I could and because I liked being so competent, might have become a barrier to living better. I didn’t quit my work but little by little I changed a few things - delegated a little more, didn’t feel I had to put my hand up for everything. I created time for things that were good for me (singing, gym, philosophy) without giving up work I enjoyed, I just gradually learned better balance and to prioritise. Sometimes it is possible to have it all - but you need to know exactly why you want changes for them to work. Best wishes.5
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I agree with @Afraser. I don’t think the cancer is necessarily the issue. It’s about what we were unhappy with before, what we want to change but feel too guilty to because we’ve been conditioned to think we need to be like that, especially if we’re able to or competent. I was very similar. Working myself to the bone. Not taking holidays. Doing things because I could. Well, it took a while, plus bc, but I’m finally saying enough. I will take as much time off as I want and feel I need to, and I won’t allow anyone, especially myself, to make me feel guilty for it. This life is to be enjoyed, and too many of us don’t enjoy it.@MicheleR, you know what you and what your body needs. Listen to that. I know we all want to go back to feeling ‘normal’, but maybe ‘normal’ is what got us here in the first place. Maybe it’s time for a new normal, which probably should’ve happened even before the bc. Maybe it’s time to allow yourself to sufficiently rest, without feeling guilty or like you’re sick. Maybe we shouldn’t be made to feel we’re sick or failing just cos we’re taking time out from work and actually trying to enjoy life.I say take the time to rest a bit more, and sort out all those questions you have. And as @Afraser said, think about changes you’d like to make, and why most importantly. What makes your heart sing? Do that. It’s never wrong.Wishing you contentment ♥️5
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Wise women here. Thank you.
Oh crap. I thought id got out of this relatively unscathed. Seems ridiculous to say that when im sitting here with the most ridiculous hair growth youve ever seen. The cosmetic looks stuff though was never going to be the biggest issue.
Ive stared down the barrel of my mortality and now i have to decide how i want to treat myself and how i want others to treat me going forward. Maybe just because i can doesnt mean i should.5 -
You made me laugh about the hair growth comment 😂. But you’re right, it isn’t about the cosmetic look. Well not to a large degree anyway. And even that is mostly because of what it represents. In most other cases, hair is not an issue as it grows back, and quite quickly. I think sometimes we focus on those things though, to avoid what’s really bugging us. What you mentioned above. I’ve struggled with the same questions. We all mostly think we’re fine, especially after surgery and treatment, until these difficult questions slap us in the face. And tbh, I’m still not sure what I’ve decided for myself. Who I am, how to treat this whole thing, how much importance I should still give it, how much fear and monitoring I think is good for my mental health, how I want others to perceive and treat me etc. It’s exhausting. I don’t have answers yet. So I decided, until I do have answers, to just do what I freakin feel like. Whether it be lazying on the couch, swimming in the pool, socialising with other mums or friends, being all alone in my own company, eating good food, eating bad food, staring into space for ages, working on my new hobby of repotting plants, reading more to educate myself further on things of interest, writing on this forum, thinking about finding tutoring work again, cleaning without allowing my OCD to interfere, and just resting. Whatever feels good in the given moment, I do it. My body and spirit know best for me, and I still try to contribute positively to society. It’s the best I can do for now, until I can figure the other stuff out. Because life still goes on, and the important thing is to enjoy the moment, no matter what. It’ll work itself out. 🤷🏼♀️💟.
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Ah we never get out unscathed, that’s the beauty of it! Looking down the barrel of one’s mortality is a defining moment - not cancer, not hair loss, not even boob loss but knowing, deeply knowing, that we are truly only here for a short time (irrespective of cancer or anything else) and that there is not a moment to waste. The plan then is not to run around doing stuff, but to do and be the stuff that matters. Whatever that is for each person. And taking pause to work that out is part of the process. For some, it may be life more or less the same as before. For others, it may be a greater change. But the shot’s gone across the bow. And we can’t un-know that.5
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On reading all the girls' comments, @MicheleR - it sounds like a good idea to delay the work just a tad longer if you can ..... it would be better for your own mental well being to go back when you know you are capable, rather than going back early & possibly not doing the work up to your own high standard .... and knowing it. Your colleagues would know it too.
Make haste slowly ...... the right time will come - and you will know it without the 'what ifs'.
Take care xxxx. All the best for your rads.3 -
I think an important point has been brought up here. Many of us have been "superwomen" and at work we have prided ourselves on getting things done, sorting things out, being the go-to person...then we go home and do the same there. And that is how we define ourselves. One of the things I regret about going back too early is that by doing it, I denied myself the chance to truly take the time to readjust between the treadmill of active treatment and the onslaught of work. Once back at work, the fatigue and cognition issues became a constant source of frustration and eroded my confidence. It took a long time for me to be able to take a step back and say "so what", at least sometimes. While I love aspects of my job there are things that I honestly could not care less about and no amount of geeing up by the top brass is going to change that. I will not feel guilt about taking time for me when I can - the problem is that now I'm back in the thick of it, taking that time is next to impossible.
So, consider this grace time - for you to get stronger and evaluate your future; to use the leftover energy for the people you love rather than to meet a deadline. We don't get many opportunities in life to take advantage of a period like this and bloody hell, girl, you're not slacking, you've earned it.6 -
When all this started i stopped. Truly stopped. Stopped taking kids to school, making lunches, doing housework, cooking, being responsible for what everyone else was doing, working. I just concentrated on getting through it.
I started doing a few things i like doing. What a revelation.
I think its hit one of my children harder. Some people associate caring with having things done for them. Truthfully i want to mother them more sometimes.
Ive started to add some of the other stuff back in. Im being choosy. Ive had loads of time to dream up things i want to do and i cant go back to being last.
But is that why i got cancer? For years my hormones had not been right. Id go to the doctor about migraines and weight problems and anxiety and was told this is what its like in perimenopause. In the end i kindof gave up.
Well the migraines are gone. Im not rushing. The monthly roller coaster of emotion is gone. Presumably im in menopause. The cancer as far as i know is gone.
Change is hard. Even this morning as im eating the protein rich breakfast my dietician suggested im thinking to myself this is uncomfortable. Id rather eat what ive eaten most of my life. Do i have to upend everything?4 -
No, you don’t have to upend everything. Doing so just means accepting a new set of well intentioned instructions for living, but not your own. Your dietician is giving you good advice and you can modify that advice without ignoring it. You are looking for your own way, and it’s hard! But going back to what we have always done is the default position. The difficult part is knowing what we really want - what feels right and makes us stronger. It takes time and someone to talk to - a disinterested but experienced other - can be helpful.3
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Hi @MicheleR . I felt that continuing to work 35 hours per week during treatment (surgery, chemo, targeted therapy, hormone blockers) was important to my well-being and recovery, but I was able to do it from home, and that was important as it meant I had time to exercise daily instead of sitting in peak-hour traffic.
I completed chemo on Dec 1 and began commuting to the office one day per week at the end of December. This week I will do two days.I've elected to begin at 0700 and finish early to combat the afternoon energy lag. Whilst on chemo I sometimes fell asleep without notice at the keyboard for a few minutes in the afternoon!
Do what you feel is right for you! I must say it's been good having that social thing happening at work.
Good luck!
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Wise women on here indeed. I'm feeling more and more zapped from radiation and I think in my mind I want it to hurry up and be over so I can go back to work and look for a job after losing mine due to covid and feel normal again. Your wise words here have refreshed me to slow down and take the time I need to heal.
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@Michelle_R
In the everyday of life we are evolving, maybe rolling along nicely, or perhaps re-assessing where one is at. As we approach a decade change birthday quiet reflection finds us wondering where the time has gone.
For us as BC survivors we have a heightened awareness of self, ability and our health, just to name a few, and those birthday reflections are with us as we come to acceptance of where we have been and where we are at.
We are all at varying stages and willing to help you as best we can. You spoke of concern of friends undermining your confidence and peri-menopause as well as settling into the workplace. Only you know if you are up to the challenge of the ever changing workplace.
Perhaps a chat with a Counsellor may garner coping mechanisms.
Take care and best wishes with ongoing treatment
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@Locksley Im really glad you decided to slow down and allow yourself to rest. You most certainly need it. There’s always time to go back to work. As for ‘normal’, once again, I’m not sure that working like crazy should be our normal. Or rather, what should make us feel normal. I think it’s more about moving on with life and not feeling sick. I think there’s more ways than going back to work to do that. More fun ways.Take it easy ♥️2
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