Friends say the dumbest things
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@Dory65 and @Cath62, thanks ladies. I think there will always be those who just don’t ‘get it’. I’ve never really been on the same wavelength as my mother so while it was annoying, it wasn’t devastating. My husband and Auntie are brilliant and I have a couple of friends I can really talk to. I think just find your people and don’t let the others get to you. Xx6
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@StarGirl my Mum had a weird reaction as well. She actually followed me to the clinic, and then the day after she found out she was on the phone with my Aunt (who had just been diagnosed with lung cancer) laughing about how I had to keep taking my top off and showing people my breasts. I was devastated. It took me a few years but I worked out that it was because she was scared of not being in control, and of losing both her daughter and her sister.1
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Here’s the official list of dumb things to say to a bc patient.
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I hear you @traveltext! I now have actually had someone say with about my surgery before results of it- "well it's temporary. They will sort it out and then fix the other one and you will have a boob job. Wish I could get one. I am actually jealous" I just changed the subject. I get my results this afternoon so will soon know next steps.
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Ignorance is really not an excuse, is it!When I was facing my first chemo and so afraid of what was coming, my very close cousin told me ‘oh, it will go so fast ‘. I didn’t answer but I thought time goes fast when you’re having fun. 20 weeks of chemo is not my idea of fun!2
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It sure makes you grit your teeth and count to 50. Writing the year off is only easy for people who think they have plenty of years left. And don’t have to spend it being ‘chopped, poisoned and nuked’ as kezmusc
so beautifully said in one post.1 -
Whatever your treatment, ‘writing the rest of the year off’ makes all sorts of assumptions. People having treatment don’t stop being people - they are still capable of feeling, learning, experiencing, thinking. Many continue working, being parents, friends and neighbours. Treatment can be tough, but it’s not malicious, it’s intended to rid you of cancer, but you have a say in what you accept or don’t accept. No-one wants this and some of it you will never want to repeat but some of it may surprise you. Best wishes.5
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@Cath62 - some people's reactions & comments can be very hurtful - usually said more out of ignorance, than malice. Some even think that by association with you, they may also 'catch it' - so they stay away! Others don't know what to say, so say nothing, which is equally as hurtful. Her comment about joining a support group tho, was spot on!
It's great that you've joined us here, as you can put anything past us & we won't be surprised, upset or rude! Cos 'we get it'. My husband had most of his stomach removed 10 years ago from cancer & as his 'carer', I thought I 'knew' everything there was about cancer & chemo ... until I 'got it' myself - and I felt like I had a sledge hammer to my head! Only then did I fully understand. Two & a half years later - I am still learning ....
Your friend 'structure' will surely change over the course of your treatment - some will step up to the mark & be marvellous support, whilst others will go into hiding & you'll wonder what you ever saw in them as a friend. Some will bring joy to you when they arrive to visit you, others will give you joy when they leave!!
Try & keep your sense of humour - it is one of the essentials (I reckon) on getting thru this shit. We have a few 'funny'
threads here, that are well worth a look!!
Some of us have a rather 'dark humour'!!
Also, try & keep busy doing things that you love doing! Try something new - we have some very talented & creative art & craft people here (check out the Craft thread!)
I noticed your 'ju-ju' comment early in the thread - are you from South Africa or Zimbabwe? My husband grew up in Zim & lived in Sth Africa as well!
Take care, try not to be too upset about silly friends' comments .... and just look after YOU xx5 -
@arpie I am Australian born. One of my friends in London, an Aussie girl said she was sending positive juju to me and I liked the sound of it. I have been to parts of Africa. Oh how I loved safari. Bit of an Out of Africa fan and I had my 50th birthday celebration on safari and then married my Hubble (a Scottish Aussie man) on the beach in Zanzibar in 2012. He had tonsil cancer and had surgery and radium about 12 yrs ago. He is doing great. Appreciate advice and yes will do my best to let this silly friend stuff go. Seem a meaningless in comparison to everything else. Also I totally agree this is the best support for me. Everyone here is great.3
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WOW! You are well travelled @Cath62 !! I loved Out of Africa too - did you read the book? I bawled in some bits! What a romantic wedding in Zanzibar! It is supposed to be the most gorgeous spot! So glad to hear that hubby recovered well from his surgery & treatment, as did mine (tho he now has dementia which is a bit of a bind!
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There was one thread started 2+ years ago about the stupid things people say - it probably had 20 pages of comments ..... I just can't find it - maybe someone else will remember it & have a link to it - in it's own way, it was quite hilarious!?
@Locksley - I hope you are recovering well from your surgery xxx
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Hello @Locksley I hope you are recovering well post surgery.1
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@Locksley I hope your surgery went well and you are being looked after well.
@Cath62 unfortunately some people are just like that. I had a friend give me a journal to write in, I took that as, hey I don't want to hear about it, just write in your journal. Whether I am right or wrong in my assumptions I won't know, but I know how it made me feel at the time.
Take care of YOU, if there is ever a time to put yourself first, then a cancer diagnosis is the time.0 -
@arpie travel has been my life passion. I started travelling at 17. My dad bought a map of the world for me when I was 21. Since then every trip (about 50 countries) I have done is marked out on the map. It hangs on my dining room wall. I said at 21 I didn't want a boring life 😀😀😀. Little did I know that no life is boring.
I h ave read out of Africa and seen the movie many times. I went to Karen Blixen's house and it was just like the movie. I went to a safari camp in the masai nara named after her. Here was the real treat....when we flew out of there from a tiny out back airstrip my husband put ear phones in my ears. He had recorded the sound track from the movie for me to listen to as we flew out of Kenya. Now tears flowed but it was just so perfect. We flew from there to Nairobi and then Zanzibar with its perfect white sand and azure blue water. I was on cloud 9 or 10 or something.
@Locksley I hope you are ok. Thinking of you.3
