Friends say the dumbest things

Hi
when I was first diagnosed July 31st ‘19 my friends were supportive, but I think originally didn’t know what to say to help me. They were encouraging but I think worried about saying the wrong thing. It wasn’t until I brought the walls down & actually helped them to relax around me. After all the tears & sinking in of what we faced a head we decided it was time to be positive, & start smiling again. My husband who’s bald said to me, that if I did lose my hair he’d shave his off 😂 he did get a slap but it made me smile. We were out with our group of friends & I told them what he had said, which they all laughed from then on they knew I would have my good & bad days but they could speak to me about it either way. I started using the cold cap & I did have 1 friend say at least if you do lose your hair it will grow back! Hmmm! That’s the only1 none helpful comment I had. Another friend pulled her up on it. She ended up apologising & was one of my amazing support network. I think it helps for you to tear barriers down, that helped me & I found then nobody avoided me or talking to me & all asked how I was going. I had magazines, flowers, chocolates, home cooked meals for the family. I feel overwhelmed with the support I had.
take care x

Wise words @Sister. Yes my friends and family are probably hurting more than me. It is scary for them and I realise they just want the best for me. This network is a great leveling really and I think it important that all feelings are checked and moderated by ourselves and others too. 

I've had some pretty woeful things said to me by people who just don't think.  I'm also been belittled by someone with bc for wallowing around in misery by being on this forum.  Stupid statements do not come from non-cancer folk, only.  There have been times that friends have said something that grates a bit but if it's wrong, I know that it's not coming from a bad place and I can call it out or just let it go.  One of the first texts I got after diagnosis was from a good friend of nearly 40 years and said "But we're supposed to grow old together".  My thoughts at the time were that she thought that we weren't and it hurt but I knew she was hurting too as we had lost another friend to this.  I now realise, that her words were really saying that she wants us to grow old together.  We all get the words wrong sometimes and we are all able to take things the wrong way depending on our state of mind at the time.  Don't hang around with poison but don't go looking for it, either.

@arpie travel has been my life passion. I started travelling at 17.  My dad bought a map of the world for me when I was 21. Since then every trip (about 50 countries) I have done is marked out on the map. It hangs on my dining room wall. I said at 21 I didn't want a boring life 😀😀😀. Little did I know that no life is boring. 

I h ave read out of Africa and seen the movie many times. I went to Karen Blixen's house and it was just like the movie. I went to a safari camp in the masai nara named after her. Here was the real treat....when we flew out of there from a tiny out back airstrip my husband put ear phones in my ears. He had recorded the sound track from the movie for me to listen to as we flew out of Kenya. Now tears flowed but it was just so perfect. We flew from there to Nairobi and then Zanzibar with its perfect white sand and azure blue water. I was on cloud 9 or 10 or something.

@Locksley I hope you are ok. Thinking of you.

@Locksley I hope your surgery went well and you are being looked after well.

@Cath62 unfortunately some people are just like that.  I had a friend give me a journal to write in, I took that as, hey I don't want to hear about it, just write in your journal.  Whether I am right or wrong in my assumptions I won't know, but I know how it made me feel at the time. 
Take care of YOU, if there is ever a time to put yourself first, then a cancer diagnosis is the time.  

Hello @Locksley I hope you are recovering well post surgery.

WOW! You are well travelled @Cath62 !!   I loved Out of Africa too - did you read the book?  I bawled in some bits!  What a romantic wedding in Zanzibar!  It is supposed to be the most gorgeous spot!  So glad to hear that hubby recovered well from his surgery & treatment, as did mine (tho he now has dementia which is a bit of a bind! :( )

There was one thread started 2+ years ago about the stupid things people say - it probably had 20 pages of comments .....  I just can't find it - maybe someone else will remember it & have a link to it - in it's own way, it was quite hilarious!?

@Locksley - I hope you are recovering well from your surgery xxx

@arpie I am Australian born. One of my friends in London, an Aussie girl said she was sending positive juju to me and I liked the sound of it.  I have been to parts of Africa. Oh how I loved safari. Bit of an Out of Africa fan and I had my 50th birthday celebration on safari and then married my Hubble (a Scottish Aussie man) on the beach in Zanzibar in 2012. He had tonsil cancer and had surgery and radium about 12 yrs ago. He is doing great. Appreciate advice and yes will do my best to let this silly friend stuff go. Seem a meaningless in comparison to everything else. Also I totally agree this is the best support for me. Everyone here is great. 

@Cath62 - some people's reactions & comments can be very hurtful - usually said more out of ignorance, than malice.  Some even think that by association with you, they may also 'catch it' - so they stay away!  Others don't know what to say, so say nothing, which is equally as hurtful.  Her comment about joining a support group tho, was spot on!

It's great that you've joined us here, as you can put anything past us & we won't be surprised, upset or rude!  Cos 'we get it'.  My husband had most of his stomach removed 10 years ago from cancer & as his 'carer', I thought I 'knew' everything there was about cancer & chemo ... until I 'got it' myself - and I felt like I had a sledge hammer to my head!  Only then did I fully understand.  Two & a half years later - I am still learning .... 

Your friend 'structure' will surely change over the course of your treatment - some will step up to the mark & be marvellous support, whilst others will go into hiding & you'll wonder what you ever saw in them as a friend.  Some will bring joy to you when they arrive to visit you, others will give you joy when they leave!! 

Try & keep your sense of humour - it is one of the essentials (I reckon) on getting thru this shit.  We have a few 'funny'
threads here, that are well worth a look!!  ;)  Some of us have a rather 'dark humour'!!

Also, try & keep busy doing things that you love doing!  Try something new - we have some very talented & creative art & craft people here (check out the Craft thread!) 

I noticed your 'ju-ju' comment early in the thread - are you from South Africa or Zimbabwe?  My husband grew up in Zim & lived in Sth Africa as well!  

Take care, try not to be too upset about silly friends' comments .... and just look after YOU xx

Whatever your treatment, ‘writing the rest of the year off’ makes all sorts of assumptions. People having treatment don’t stop being people - they are still capable of feeling, learning, experiencing, thinking. Many continue working, being parents, friends and neighbours. Treatment can be tough, but it’s not malicious, it’s intended  to rid you of cancer, but you have a say in what you accept or don’t accept. No-one wants this and some of it you will never want to repeat but some of it may surprise you. Best wishes.