Friends say the dumbest things
Cath62
Member Posts: 1,459 ✭
I have chosen to tell a select few friends for support but now wondering about a couple of those. I guess time will tell who is who on this with me. I was feeling emotional 3 days after surgery and phoned a friend.
After asking how I was and me explaining how confronting it all was this friend said 2 things:
1. Join a support group and
2. You're not the first to go through this and you won't be the last.
Seems harsh to me. It did stop me in my tracks and I did stop being emotional probably because I couldn't believe she said this. It certainly has made me very careful what I say in future to her and less inclined to share. I have friends who would never be harsh like that and acknowledge/validate my emotions which is great but this person clearly is not one of them. How does everyone deal with people who basically tell you to get on with it?
After asking how I was and me explaining how confronting it all was this friend said 2 things:
1. Join a support group and
2. You're not the first to go through this and you won't be the last.
Seems harsh to me. It did stop me in my tracks and I did stop being emotional probably because I couldn't believe she said this. It certainly has made me very careful what I say in future to her and less inclined to share. I have friends who would never be harsh like that and acknowledge/validate my emotions which is great but this person clearly is not one of them. How does everyone deal with people who basically tell you to get on with it?
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Dear @Cath62
Presumably she is a friend of some standing. And she may have genuinely felt that what you wanted, rather than sympathy and comfort, was practical advice. One of the things that many people encounter, particularly in the early days of their diagnosis and treatment, is that the responses of friends and family can be unexpected and even disconcerting. Cancer is still a fearful subject to many and they retreat from it (and by implication, you). Others are overwhelmed by your emotions. Your friend’s comments were probably meant to be helpful but come across as unfeeling. She is of course correct - a support group can be a great asset and sadly you are in a rather large club. So don’t spend too much time thinking or fretting about it - seek the comfort you need right now elsewhere, but when the time is right and her practical comments resonate better, remember why you valued her friendship and reach out again. Best wishes.11 -
Hi Cath62, @Zoffiel (thanks again) gave me this sage advice back in December 2019 when I kept getting ignorant comments like "It's all about your attitude", as if a positive attitude ever cured cancer or admitting you're scared or tired or anxious or in pain makes cancer spread. If only we had that much control!
"Right, @BewilderedButHopeful seems like I've been called on to give my usual, and oft repeated advice. Be nice to people until you are pretty sure they are jerking you around then rip the gloves off and give them the old one-two. Do the same with yourself.
When others are not being honest, demand they front up. You have to do it too.There are dozens of ways to deliver a spanking and cancer keeps finding more variations.
My personal opinion about being positive is that it just makes it a shit lot easier for everyone else. Meh, when all their hair falls out they are entitled to an opinion. Mxx"7 -
Hi @Cath62
You have joined a support group, here! There is not a physical one you could join at the moment with the coronavirus, unfortunately, as I’ve also found. I was waiting till after my surgery and radiation to join something like the Look good feel better class or an exercise one but not to be. So your friends harsh words aren’t appropriate at the moment. I hope by visiting here you find some comfort. Xx5 -
Hi @Cath62 while your friend's response may seem harsh, I rather value my blunt mates. They can be relied on to say the same thing to my face that they will say about me when I'm not in the room. Which is not always comfortable, but is, for me, comforting.
Friends are like cooking oil, different varieties for different purposes. If they rub you the wrong way, keep your distance from them for a while. If they lie to you or undermine your confidence, give them the flick.
Good luck tmoz, @Locksley Mxx7 -
Hi @Cath62! I wonder in my own experience whether my definition of what a true friendship is changing as a result of what I have gone through.Some attributes of friendship are sharpened such as empathy, listening, kindness, unconditional support, humour, practical help etc..
...some friends have come out of the blocks, some have retreated, some new friends are people I didn’t know well before who have reached out in amazing ways.Equally I have met new friends through our cancers. I have received many kindnesses from strangers. And some new friends are on this forum even though we have never met.
lots of love Tinks xx6 -
Hi Cath62,
very interesting isn’t it! I found some family comments the most frustrating., like you will be right, oh I’m sorry.
Everyone is so different as to what they want or need to hear. I needed fighting words, positive and encouraging words.I chose one particular friend , I spoke to her and asked if she would assist me in keeping me on track when I needed her, someone I could talk about my darkest thoughts, as I knew when I was at my worst I knew that she would pull me out of it, and kick me up the bum to get on with it again with all the encouragement that I needed, she use to send me phrases all the time which were very uplifting. She was my best tool in getting through this shit.
Unfortunately some people just don’t get it, and don’t know what to say.
Thats where this amazing forum comes into play, as we get you, we know how you are feeling, we know the thoughts you get, we know that there are good and bad days.
So lean on us, that’s what we are all here for as it’s a new door that you are walking through.
No one gets it better than we do.
You can send me a private pm anytime.
You Have Got This!5 -
Thank you @Shellshocked2018_. Your amazing!1
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I completely understand where you’re coming from @Cath62. When I was diagnosed with stage 4 denovo HER2+ bc, my mother told me my problem was that I didn’t have enough to do. I was 40 years old, with a 2 year old and a 4 year old and working full time. Thanks Mum. Super helpful. Then she didn’t speak to me for 3 days. Then when I saw her her and said I had liver Mets, she actually opened a bottle of champagne said that’s good, better than in your bones and expected me to celebrate with her. I have never spoken to her about it again.0
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That's so disappointing, Stargirl. Especially from a parent. I too have found my elderly father's unconcerned reaction hurtful. It's as if he's forgotten I'm his child and forty years his junior. Facing mortality in old age doesn't equate to facing it prematurely. My siblings have been absent, apart from the occasional phone call. One friend just looks at me blankly and says nothing if I attempt to talk about BC issues. Another, thankfully has really stepped up. I don't really blame people for not knowing what to say or do. I even have that reaction myself when reading this forum, when I can't offer help.3
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Yes, Cath62, it is a bit lonely at times. Very glad to hear your husband and son are close and switched on. I'm not married. My young adult son has been an absolute brick, though, and this BC experience has made me realise his best qualities and stop sweating the small stuff (a bit). All the best. x4
