Feeling Lost
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@Felicia29 So happy that the surgery went well. Ive been thinking of you & hoping you are resting up & sipping your chai tea! Having great medical staff is a blessing. They do a terrific job when we are at our most vulnerable. Glad the pain isnt too bad. Keep up the meds as you dont want the pain to take hold so I found I took them every 3-4 hrs to keep on top of it. Each day will get better so keep snuggling by the fire & rest up. Sleep will come & you will have emotional days but that is normal. You have been through a lot so take help from those around you to help you get through the day to day. Sending you love & prayers & gentle hugs xx2
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I'm coming to realise that crying might be a good thing. I was so big on being positive because it seemed that was what everyone (who as never gone through this) wanted. I wanted to be the good patient, the positive patient, don't bother anyone, and I apologised for all the emotions in hospital, assuring everyone I'd be more positive next week. God forbid I offend someone. I have zero emotional support at home and it has taken its toll which it was doing before this so why am I surprised. My son has come for the weekend, so I'm going to make the most of his company and just ride these emotions out because I don't know what else to do with them.0
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Love and Roses Felicia.
Enjoy your son's company. Feel what you feel.2 -
@Felicia29 I am with you on this 100%. The pressure to be 'the good patient' is intense, from others and ourselves. And it's nigh on impossible for a diagnosis like breast cancer. This is a deeply affecting illness. It's in a part of our body that is visible, highly identified as part of our gender, femininity, sexuality, and our basic function as a female mammal. We dress to it, whether to hide or display. And let's not forget: it's cancer. So if you feel like crying when there are nurses and techs about, don't hold back. They're trained professionals and have seen it all before. With only a couple of exceptions, when I was weepy with medicos, they were great.
They're doing a study comparing a BC diagnosis to military PTSD, so similar are the effects on the person.
Very early on in my diagnosis when I was very distraught, I saw a counsellor who told me to "lean into the pain". I thought this was insane but I get it now. You have to go through it to emerge the other side. Avoidance can actually cause PTSD, which can linger for a very long time, if not forever.
And one last fact: one of my oldest friends did double blind clinical study which definitively proved that positivity had no medical impact on cancer. Absolutely it can change your experience of your treatment. But a cancer cell doesn't give two hoots if you're positive or not!
You do you Felicia. There'll be days where you want to cry non-stop and days where you'll smile. Be true to you, and honour your emotions. Many people here report unsupportive families. Mostly we think it's because the people who love you are scared, in denial or just don't know what to do. There are lots of resources for families and carers of people with cancer. Have you looked at the BCNA online My Journey kit? Perhaps you could send your family some links to read. I know I had to explicitly tell my husband that when I was crying all I needed from him was to hold me. I also had to get him to read the partners pamphlet twice. He was much better after the second time!
Find your support where you can. You've always got us here, plus there are the wonderful ladies on the BCNA helpline 1800 500 258. Do you have a breastcare nurse? They can be an amazing support. And your friends of course. Mine were incredible.
The biggest of hugs lovely. We've got you. K xox5 -
@Felicia29 Sending you so much love & prayers as I reckon you need it. You will not find a wiser, stronger women here than @kmakm. She has been through it all & has helped so many of us. Her words are so true.
Sorry you have no support at home. That must be so hard. Cancer effects the whole family & everyone deals with it differently. Hopefully you have some friends you can turn to or a support group nearby. Have you found a breast care nurse yet? She will be invaluable as an ear to listen to you & she will also answer all your medical questions. My nurse used to ring me & we would speak for as long as it took sometimes nearly an hour. They will counsel & support you as we will do here also.
The most important thing is to look after number 1 & that is you. Cry, drink chai tea, go for a slow walk in the sunshine, mediatation/pilates/yoga.....whatever it takes to put you in a happy place. The roller coaster can be quite a long ride.Tears are normal & natural & we all have to go through that stage & deal with the fact that we have had cancer & come to terms with accepting that. Acceptance of "the new you" is hard for many of us as our bodies & minds will never be the same after dealing with this disease.
Take care & enjoy time with your son. Strength & hugs xx
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@kmakm wise and most appreciated words. My partner of 5 years is a police officer with PTSD & depression he refuses to get help for and he was shot many years ago and does not tolerate people who "sook" about pain. I asked him to read some of the tools that are out there but he refuses. He has been good asking questions at appointments, and will cook and clean but won't show me any emotional support, like a hug, even when I've begged him to. So it is what it is and I must remind myself that I can only do one thing at a time and self care is the most important thing right now. It's just really uncomfortable when someone seems to be going out of their way to be emotionally mean. The BCNA helpline were really good before my surgery. I haven't heard from my nurse for a week but I have emailed her. I do have some wonderful friends and family I am leaning on. And you guys are amazing. One breath at a time.1
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Hi @Felicia29
there's no right or wrong way with any of this! Sorry to read about your partner however that is the coping mechanism he has adopted and unfortunately for you it would be nice if he let his guard down for a cuddle however I am sure in time you both will be in a better place emotionally to cope with what he has been through and what you are going through at present.
Me, I am a little different to most on here, never shed a tear and not likely too. I guess life's experiences prior set me up to how I reacted. What I do know is that acceptance helped me to cope with treatment and the ongoing anxiety that comes about with each upcoming review as well as the niggles of medication.
Please don't be hard on yourself, just roll with it, enjoy the practical support of cleaning and cooking and others have suggested the BCNA helpline is available if needed as well as the forum.
Take care and best wishes as you settle into routine with it all
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How one manages a cancer diagnosis and treatment is very variable - partly because people are! Like @iserbrown, I hardly ever cried at first and never about cancer after about 6 or 7 months. My tears were also primarily about fear (at the very beginning) and frustration, not loss or grief. A good howl can be very therapeutic but not so much for confusion or uncertainty. A short stint with a councillor helped me immensely with those. My partner is a stoic and expects it of others, but surprised me with an unexpected treat at a time when I just felt sorry for myself. Hugs may be difficult but those near to you may yet surprise you with unexpected understanding. But most of all, be aware of your own needs. A wise person on this network recently said “it’s so much easier to soldier on when to have something to soldier towards”. Keep looking forward to feel and be better. Best wishes.1
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@Felicia29 That is a very difficult situation. So difficult for him to be supportive the way you need because it might mean acknowledging that he has the same or similar needs. I feel so sorry for him, but also annoyed! Some men can be so frustrating with their refusal to engage with emotional hurt and healing. Really, women are almost always so much stronger in this area.
At this point I think you need to focus on yourself. Is there a local support group in your area that you can join? A lot of the hospitals run support groups, regular morning teas, that kind of thing. The Cancer Council can help with finding some near you. I ended up starting my own, and it's marvellous. We meet once a month but have a very active WhatsApp group.
Take care of yourself. At this time you are definitely the priority and being selfish is compulsory! K xox1 -
@Felicia29 Thoughts with you. In the past, I had a partner just like yours; so challenging. Being with him was like licking honey from thorns.
The other ladies have given you great advice. Put yourself first. Cry when you need to. Pamper yourself when possible. Keep asking for help and accepting offers to want to accept.
Big hugs.2 -
Wonderful words again, and @Flaneuse your metaphor was spot on, and it made me laugh. I also drew from "in the past". This does not have to be my future. There is no going back from this, my life has changed and I really really need to put myself first. I knew it was coming but now I can no longer deny it. Drawing on the beauty I have around me to heal. I have found a local support group who meet again in a few weeks.3
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@Felicia29 I hope your recovery is going well & the pain is minimal. So lovely to read your post & hear you have found a local support group! They will be so precious to you & they will give you the emotional support & hugs you need. We all need to surround ourselves with positive people otherwise life will just get you down! Acceptance of the new you is also key & the realization that life, as well as our bodies, will never be the same as they were before cancer. The sooner we can do this, then the better off we will be emotionally & we can start to move forward. It will take time but you are getting there & keep putting yourself first. love & hugs xx
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@Felicia29 Thinking of you & hope your recovery is going well. Hoping you have found some support with the local group & they are helping you emotionally. Sending you lots of love & strength xx1
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@Anne65 Thank you, I am recovering well. Can't believe it was only 4 weeks ago that I had my biopsy done! Still counting my blessings that everything has gone so well and feel like I can finally come up for air. I met the medical oncologist yesterday and will meet the radiation oncologist next Wednesday. Medical oncologist believes I will be asked to participate in a trial where radiation isn't done, only hormone treatment. I will be researching all of this before then. I won't get to meet the support group until next Monday as they met the day I went back for my biopsy results but I can check in online. Appreciate you stopping by xxx1
