What NOT to say to people affected with breast cancer
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People amaze me every day with what they say. When I first coloured my first crop of post chemo hair, someone told me that it looked much better than looking like a scarecrow beforehand. I was sitting in an open cafe, and just ignored the person. The other thing that is confronting is that people look at your chest first......... My face is right here1
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Lots of insenstive foot in mouth dialogue aka IFIMD
Words are often not needed
A big wish for warm and senstive huggs to all0 -
A girl at my work place said your so lucky you got cancer. They have given you a better job since you came back.lol2
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No l said well if your lucky and get cancer as well you may get a better job too. She then said oh adean your so funny!2
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You look so well....is my pet hated saying ..it took me 2 hours to pick my scarf, clothes, shower, rest and put on makeup before entering the same hospital I work at just to have a friggin blood test pre chemo.
Are you in remission? Umm....I was hoping I'm cured!
Your hair looks amazing...yes I know people are being nice....but it's not my pre cancer treatment hair.
You are brave ....endure yes...brave ...no...like we choose this path. Courageous. ..maybe...as we get up, dress up and show up even when we want to give up.
It's in your family.....said by my half sister. Well .... I don't have that gene so there
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"Great, your treatment's finished.......so that's it then?"
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What happened to my first BCNA thread about this stuff? It was 25 Ways to help, or something, and had so many tips and "please don't"s from members.
I think I was keeping track of them in an old blog article. ... I never posted my blogs but I kept a lot of drafts - because nothing was ever really finished I guess.
!!!
Okay it's about a half hour later and I totally found it. I had to reset a password and everything. hahaha
Swears warning for the third dot point. I left it in, it's an important swear.
Unpublished blog reads:This 'don't list' is compiled from the responses of may different people, and as such is a reflection of many different personality types and breast cancer situations. They are by no means universal, but most were repeated or supported.
The three most frequently requested don'ts :
- Don't tell me "it could be worse" to "stay positive" or "cheer up"
- Don't question my decisions or act like you know what's best for me
- Don't tell me stories about people you know who have or had cancer.
The don'ts list:
- Don't tell me stories about your friend/relative/acquaintance who "had/has cancer" and especially don't end that story with "they died". it's never the same. Sidenote; You know what your "my friend with cancer" stories tell me? That I'm going to end up one. I'm not a flourish for your conversations.
- Don't tell me all about the "cure" or "treatment" you found. Depending on who you ask vitamin C and caffeine are both cancer cures and cancer food. If whatever it is worked, big pharma would have packaged it by now.
- Don't tell me my diagnosis sucks because of how it will change appearance of my breasts. I have a life-threatening disease but oh, what a horror you must be experiencing having to, what, lower your aesthetic expectations of my tits? Get in the sea, shit head.
- Don't mention cancer every time you see me. It's already taken up enough of my life. Let me breathe, just follow my updates or let me start the conversation. Side-note; What volume would you like me to talk about your private medical conditions while in public? Shall I shout "So sorry to hear about your anal cyst!" over a room of friends and strangers? No? Cancer is medical, a little respect for privacy please.
- Don't tell me what I can and can't eat, or rush over to me with the new "cancer diet". There are rules for eating and drinking during chemotherapy, but the rules around diet with cancer is the same as for every person on the planet without it.
- Do not ever speak to me in terms that imply my having cancer is an inconvenience to you. Especially one that I should be apologising for. You are entitled to your feelings, but find a support group to vent to and never complain to a cancer patient about how inconvenient it is they haven't been able to do things like they used to or that they need your help. It's sad that this needs to be said.
- Don't tell me to "cheer up" or "be positive" when I'm feeling anything but. Sometimes I just want to be honest about how I actually feel and have someone just agree that yeah, it does suck
- Don't tell me that it "could be worse" or "isn't that bad". No matter the prognosis, it's still cancer, not a cold.
- Don't tell me "You'll be fine". Be kidding. I won't be "fine" over treatment if I had it, sh*t hurts man. IF I come out of the other side of it, I have to deal with the mess it made. Do I have a job? Can I work? You don't know if I'll be fine and insisting that I will only really makes me think about how completely not-fine everything could potentially be, so let's not even go there in the first place.
- Do not tell me I "look well/fine". And definitely don't add "for someone with cancer". Why does how we look matter at all in this situation? Doesn't look like the illness hasn't incapacitated or killed you yet, good show! Pro tip: That image of a bald emaciate as a cancer patient doesn't really cover many people these days, a bunch of us don't lose our hair and gain a bunch of weight, so kick that little stereotype to the curb whenever you're ready.
- Don't tell me you just had the "worst day ever" or "FML" unless it really was. Leave the drama behind, I don't need it. Say you had a bad day, I still care, but it's in pretty poor taste to say "kill me now" over getting mustard on your shirt while I'm fighting for my life.
- Don't say "If only they'd/you'd found it sooner" or ask "Why didn't they find it sooner?" - I don't know Jacinta, when was your last routine biopsy? What good does that do anyone? If if's and but's were candy and nuts then maybe I wouldn't need so much treatment? Stop.
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Oh boy does that ever need a proof-read. ....*wrings collar* eeesh0
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My friend adopts an alternative lifestyle and belives any miracle cure, chemicals are bad, try this broccoli smoothie for $59.95 meme out there. I expected some level of woo from her. She is a big believer in sugar feeds cancer and we were talking healthy recipes (she is a great cook) and I mentioned my birthday coming up where my tradition is to buy a big Black Forest cake and I said this year I'm going to eat the whole freakin thing in one sitting (#lifegoals). She looked at me in horror and started rambling about sugar and fertiliser and needing to eat chick peas.
Bottom line though is I hate the judgement about lifestyle choices and the blame that is insinuated.
I know a healthy diet is important but me having Birthday cake isn't going to be the tipping point that kills me. Just as me eating acacia berries isn't going to be the thing that cures me.7 -
Things I remember being annoyed about were:
- I am sure you are going to be fine, said very enthusiastically (so presumably this excuses them from worrying about me or or providing support?)
- long tales of people they know but I don't, who died from cancer (quite insensitive I think and I don't know these people and never will)
- long tales about trivial problems while failing to ask how I am or offer support (am I supposed to care about these trivial problems now?)
- how I need to read about how the Chinese treat cancer (how could I possibly care)
- don't eat sugar because it makes the cancer grow (chemotherapy nurses just said sadly, if it was the easy, we wouldn't have a job)
- but one of my breasts is smaller then the other too (please can I have some sympathy, my breasts are now very different sizes)
- telling me how much help they have provided to friends with cancer, but sadly, not to me (so they know how to provide support but just don't want to give any to me)
-my favorite was, when I said 90% of woman with breast cancer survive 5 years, that he was a statistician and this did not mean I would be in the 90%, I might be in the 10% that does not survive (quite obvious, did not need pointing out, not kind or helpful, especially from my father!)
Many people mean well and just lack the imagination to realize what they are saying is stupid or insensitive. Of course lots of people say wonderful things.
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