What NOT to say to people affected with breast cancer
In the thread linked above, @onemargie said, "We should all write down our what not to say to cancer patients..." and I thought that was a great idea! Last December, we created 31 acts of kindness for supporting someone with breast cancer, which was widely downloaded and circulated. Here's another chance to create another great resource featuring the real life experiences of people affected by breast cancer.
Share your stories below!
What should people NOT say to someone who has been diagnosed with breast cancer or is living with metastatic breast cancer?
Comments
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Gee, you look really well!!
Stay positive!!!!
I couldnt do what you are doing!!!
My aunty had breast cancer and used apricot kernels!!!
thats just for starters3 -
"What's your prognosis?"
How bloody rude, particularly from people you a) don't know very well or b) know and don't like. I had one of the later ask me the other day and it gave me great pleasure to tell her my future was better than hers was going to be if she didn't quickly learn some manners. Yeah, OK, cancer hasn't made me suddenly turn into a saint.10 -
This thread is going to have me doing this every time I read it.
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The absolute worst was a daughter of a friend who came in her car to my house (never been to my place before) and said here's the contact of a german company who specialises in blood testing of cancer to affect a cure. Only costs a couple of thousand dollars!1
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I just remembered, I had to ring an insurance company to let them know of my metastatic diagnosis and the "man"
on the other end said - without taking a breath -how long have you got" needless to say the conversation was terminated! and I made a complaint regarding his complete lack of understanding,
not happy jan!!!!1 -
When I was diagnosed I finally found the strength to tell my boss who said; "Well, it can't be too bad if they haven't got you in for surgery straight away!" Well, it turned out it was all kinds of bad and I still shake my head when I think about her comment. Thankfully I had some very kind and compassionate co-workers who couldn't believe her attitude either
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"You'll be fine" (who made them Nostradamus??)
"Gee you're lucky they found it" (wtf?)
"you sure you don't want to have the surgery earlier?" (questioning my timing....because of course I have no idea)
" you look so well" (what cos I'm not a pallid-faced biafrin?!)1 -
Ladies a friend of mine (who also has metastatic breast cancer - we have been mates for 30 years) shared this on Facebook over the w/e. See link below -
I am sure there will be many familiar sentiments that each of us have come across.
Of course there are the favourites I am sure we have all heard -
"Is there family history of breast cancer" ('cos only women with a family history get it, right ? and so I had a choice in who my parents were anyway ?)
"Try yoga; meditation; organic food; eliminating sugar; eliminating meat; only eat greens; juice everything"
"I know a friend/work colleague; neighbour who had breast cancer & she is fine now"
"I couldn't do what you are doing ?" - like I have a choice ?
"Can we bring our newborn baby to see you because you are having chemo and you might poison him with the chemicals" - from my husband's brother (my in-laws wonder why I have a distant relationship with them !!!)
Over the last 13 years I thought I had heard them all but, nope, I still get new ones ....
"Try asparagus, it cures cancer"
"There is a doctor who operates and cures lymphedema" (yeah - not curable - and most programs will not even considering you if you have secondary bc)
"How long do you have ?" - not even mention of prognosis and this came from an upstart who I was training to take over my job so that I could ease into part time work !
So, incredibly frustrating but it simply makes me more determined to grit my teeth and just get on with it.
@Zoffiel - just love your response to the person enquiring about your prognosis !!!
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"My (insert distant relative's name here) had that and died".
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Seriously me right now.4 -
Yep I have heard most of those ....
sadly people are not often not very backwards in coming forwards with cures for me.....
IF I stay off sugars I will be ok!!!!!
I need to make my body alkaline then cancer cant survive.... OMG really if it was so simple we would be so happy.
My worse thing has been people asking so when are you going for reconstruction.... they are like "mouth hit the floor" when I say I am not like that makes me less me for not choosing reconstruction....2 -
While going through chemo the worse was "oh my you look like death warmed up" geesh thanks greatly that really lifted my spirits.
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To help Cosette, let me say that I have virtually nothing to contribute because no-one said anything so daft or insensitive!!
I did did have a couple of comments along the "I know someone who is fine now" line, which I didn't mind as I knew they were trying to be positive.2 -
People love to relate horror stories of people they have known who had cancer WHY?
My aunt friend etc ohhhhh they suffered terribly. Or ,they were gone just like that !
My mother in law likes to relive the time her husband had cancer and died in his eighties ohh it was terrible.
The worst is a friend who has had cancer twice. She can be supportive but loves to tell me of friends with cancer that had severe radiation burns or bad reactions to chemo etc. Others died Ahhhhh I dont know her friends I dont want to know.
Apricot kernels ,diets etc I have heard it all.
My pet hate and I preface this by saying everyone is entitled to their beliefs....Everything happens for a reason....
So babies and puppy dogs get cancer WHY?
In my case part of the reason I had cancer was I have the bracken gene and my father had breast cancer thats a good reason.......Funnily enough my sister did not inherit the bracken gene but I did.
Treat me normally ,Treat me well. What not to say lets turn that round and say what to say . If you cant say anything a card saying something like thinking of you would be well appreciated. Most people like being sent flowers or a present. Being ignored is no fun.4 -
I ran into one of the mums from my daughters school she said I haven't seen you for a while so I told her about my BC she said straight away "it's your diet" I nearly fell over how ignorant I quickly said goodbye and thought seriously there are unhealthy people everywhere without cancer moron2
