Where did my gratitude go? I swear I left it right here somewhere...

@"Summer Prevails" I've had some really shitty times recently. Having had one recurrence, I'm waiting for the other boot to fall. Everything goes wrong. All the time. I sit and stare at nothing for hours while the detritus of my life piles up around me.

I have spent hundreds of dollars I can no longer afford on things that catch my attention in the hope I'll get some motivation and do something--fabric and patterns, canvases and lovely earth pigments to make paint,  plants which are still in pots next to half dug gardens. I've started building a bathroom off the back of my workshop (a real one, the bathroom and the workshop) which has stalled because I don't like sanding the plasterwork and I can't get my head around the sequencing I want on the tiles in the shower. That's all I have to do, then paint it and it's finished. What happens? Nothing. This has been going on for a year now since I finished treatment. TBH, this is not the first mental crash I've had, but it's taking first prize for duration. I'd actually welcome a manic phase, at least I'd lose some weight (along with other things no doubt)

Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that while I do not play well with others, the stimulation of having other people around me even if it is just a few days a week, is vital. I'm on my own most of the time and while the Hound is entertaining I need more questions than ''Is it time for a walk and a lolly?'  My finances are so dire now I have to either park up or fix it. If the meds are going to fuck up my life like this, I can't take them. I can't take lots of medications, the AIs are, apparently, on that list.

So, die on my feet or live on my knees? 

It is time to make the choice. I have a job interview today. It's a position that I really want, a resource officer for an ed institute writing content for their online services. It's full time for six months and if I can get in there I'll be set.  I'll give myself two weeks still taking the bloody pills and if I'm going under that's it. I'm off them. 

@Summer Prevails my heart bleeds for you & all the other lovelies having a really tough time .As others have said you are not a failure , you have made it through this shitty fucked up fight !  Again we are all here for you !  
I'm sure if you want to tell us where you are a ton of us would grab a coffee with you . 
I thought I was having a bad day today , tears not far away all day for not much reason ! 
Sick of BC ruining all our lives , sick of my job, sick of the people in my house , sick of running after my dear old dad , it's just all too much today ! 
We can't be everything to everyone ! So why do we try ???? 
But my day really wasn't that bad in comparison to the thoughts expressed in this thread 
I get so emotional reading the stories on this site that more often than not I can't comment I feel so helpless 
i thank you all for the words of wisdom you all impart 
I hope @Summer Prevails your family at home & your BCNA family can be of some help through thus trying time 

love & hugs you  xxx

Thank you so much for letting us know how you are. I feel like a failure too. I know it's ridiculous but it's how I'm feeling. I'm plodding through my days hoping and trusting it will pass like everyone here says it will. We care for you H because you are a fellow traveller on this path. No one understands us like each other and so we draw close, identify with each other's pain and celebrate each other's victories. We also care about you because you have been brave enough to speak what some of us feel/have felt. You've opened a door that's given several people here an opportunity to be more open about how they're feeling. That makes us feel close to you; you're a valued member of this tribe. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. K xox

Hi @"Summer Prevails" I haven't been here since this discussion started.
I thought it was my post when I saw the title.
I don't tell anyone how ungrateful I feel.
I don't tell anyone anything.
I feel nothing so there is nothing to say.
The less contact I have with the world outside of my house the better.
The clouds and the smell of the sea have lost their allure.
I say to myself that when my body returns then my mind will surely follow.
But I'm still waiting for my Fitbit to register enough active minutes that I might leave the house and actually do something.
@Zoffiel I'm sure I've got PTSD but it's hard to tell cause the side effects of the Arimidex are very similar.
I'm playing the waiting game again but I don't know what I'm waiting for.

Hello @Summer Prevails. It is good to hear from you. I am glad that you are reaching out to us. 

Like @Sister says you are a normal human being who has survived what I call the worst diagnosis a woman can hear. 

This BC stuff can serve up such an emotional storm that most of us have been through (I have my days of dispair). 

I care very deeply for a BC sister who is hurting. I am not very religeous but I have  a deep spirituality in all that is around me and believe that there is a higher being who does watch over and help us. (Living in the Kimberley leads to that spirituality) So I have sent thoughts and prayers to Her for you. Hang in there.  I do feel for you and can understand how drained and exhusted you are.

Many warm thoughts and prayers to you.

Annie

I'm so glad you're with people who can care for you @"Summer Prevails".  You are definitely not a failure - just a human who is desperately trying to cope with a shitstorm.

@"Summer Prevails" glad u r hanging in there. U r not a fucked up failure - u have been through so much and I think this probably happens to so many people, they just don’t reach out. Thinking of u and sending big cyber hugs. 

Hi all
i made it thru another day. I have been at my mums house and with a close family friend who is like another mother to me, it’s like people are on shifts supervising me. I had a morning of catatonic spells and death thoughts and as the day has gone by I took it hour by hour. I pushed myself to walk at my old walking track I used to do pre cancer. It was horrible and made me feel ashamed of not being who everyone wants me to be, comparing my old self to this shitty broken one and not being able to feel anything inside. But fuck it at least I walked somewhere. I don’t know how I even managed that actually. 

Im exhausted tonight. Drained. My psychiatrist and psychologist are both on holiday til late July so I’m going to up my meds as a survival tactic in the meantime. I don’t know why because I honestly feel like a big fucked up failure with too many problems that are impossible to ever solve. 

I hope you all know how much it means to hear that you’re worried for me - I have no idea why anyone would care about me but I think it’s so beautiful that you do. x o x o 

Has anyone heard from @"Summer Prevails". We are all worried about you love. Please let us know you’re ok. Margie xx

We are all with you, @"Summer Prevails". xxx <3 <3 <3