@"Summer Prevails" I've had some really shitty times recently. Having had one recurrence, I'm waiting for the other boot to fall. Everything goes wrong. All the time. I sit and stare at nothing for hours while the detritus of my life piles up around me.
I have spent hundreds of dollars I can no longer afford on things that catch my attention in the hope I'll get some motivation and do something--fabric and patterns, canvases and lovely earth pigments to make paint, plants which are still in pots next to half dug gardens. I've started building a bathroom off the back of my workshop (a real one, the bathroom and the workshop) which has stalled because I don't like sanding the plasterwork and I can't get my head around the sequencing I want on the tiles in the shower. That's all I have to do, then paint it and it's finished. What happens? Nothing. This has been going on for a year now since I finished treatment. TBH, this is not the first mental crash I've had, but it's taking first prize for duration. I'd actually welcome a manic phase, at least I'd lose some weight (along with other things no doubt)
Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that while I do not play well with others, the stimulation of having other people around me even if it is just a few days a week, is vital. I'm on my own most of the time and while the Hound is entertaining I need more questions than ''Is it time for a walk and a lolly?' My finances are so dire now I have to either park up or fix it. If the meds are going to fuck up my life like this, I can't take them. I can't take lots of medications, the AIs are, apparently, on that list.
So, die on my feet or live on my knees?
It is time to make the choice. I have a job interview today. It's a position that I really want, a resource officer for an ed institute writing content for their online services. It's full time for six months and if I can get in there I'll be set. I'll give myself two weeks still taking the bloody pills and if I'm going under that's it. I'm off them.
