Where did my gratitude go? I swear I left it right here somewhere...

@SamJgS please contact me love. We only live about 20 minutes apart. I’m honestly happy to catch up. I wish everyone from this post could all get together. It would be awesome.  I’ve sent you my number again. @sister definitely get to the beach it’s still beautiful down the bay or Brighton in the winter. So blissful. Thinking of you all today am going to make brownies now.....yum. its my post bc medication. Margie xx

Hi there @SamJgS ...I can identify with all of the above. There's nothing quite so shocking as your own body betraying you by going feral. It is true that the person you were before no longer exists, you are a new you now...physically and emotionally. Before this shitfest. I had long brown hair with silver at the temples which I sat on. I had grown it since I was 11 years old. I  sat on my hair at my wedding, 39 years ago, and still did so for all the years between. I used to joke that as I was known either as Dave's wife. Katie and Jesse's mother or  The Lady With The Long Hair, that if I divorced my hubby, then killed my kids and then cut my hair, nobody would know who the hell I was. Well the family is intact, but the hair didn't. Bald as a billiard ball. Now it has regrown a bit. an explosion of silver grey curls, and my new name is Albert, (as in Einstein). I now have to walk with a granny walker because of severe neuropathy and lack of balance. I have no tits (used to be a 18D. My brain has turned to porridge and items are now called the thingies. The clicky thingy (remote control) the cutty thingies (scissors), the pully outy thingy (tweezers) and so on. I have had episodes of sheer rage, terror, sadness and frustration, but fuck me, I'm still here. I was diagnosed when my grandson was 14 months old, and also at one point during chemo, thought what's the point? I'm just kicking the can down the road...I'm going to fucking die anyway...so why prolong the agony? Better for me to cark it now, before Little Man really knows me, rather than for him to only remember me as some old, sick and dying woman in a few years time. Then a central part of the old me resurfaced and shouted FUCK NO....fight like the scrapper you are...never give in... and so I have. Yesterday was my Little Man's 3rd birthday party, and granny was there, celebrating with him. I intend to watch him blow out many more candles in the future. Each of us is different, yet we are all the same. All of us here, female, male, young, middle and older, single or with families, parents or not, rich and poor...we all get it and we are all standing together. We have each other's backs, and we have yours. Much love and (((hugs))).

Trying to convince hubby to head to the beach for a few days next week when the school hols start. I don't care if I feel like crap, I don't care if the bed is hard, I don't care if it rains, I don't care if the entire family descends - I just need some sea and sand and a change of scene.
 

I stick to nature. It is designed to heal the soul. It brings me peace. Don't worry about what others think you should feel or should be doing. You look after you first according to what appeals to you. I also seem to have nurtured myself a jigsaw puzzle fetish. It has been going on since the treatment ended in April 2016. I have Netflix on as well and I like TV show series as they will just keep on playing one episode after another. I love kayaking which I only started a few months ago. Maybe you could write down a list of things that might appeal to you? Anything to get your mind scheming instead of mulling. ;)

@onemargie  Incredible post. My mojo is definitely gone. I don't have the motivation to get it back at the moment. The thought of having to make myself do stuff to get it back is daunting. I don't know where to even start. Hopefully one day I'll wake up and the energy will be there. I loathe myself at the moment. Anything would be an improvement on this.

Don’t worry @Zoffiel. I’ll come and find you under your pile of timber, cockroaches and we will all go and grab a wine and go watch the sunset!! . And I hope my little post gives you all some encouragement. Please don’t give up. Life is definately worth it. Margie.   Xxxx

@onemargie
What a post.  You have expressed it all so well. I will take the time to write out your post in my journal so that when I "slip" I can go back and reread it. An inspirational piece.

@kmakm my emotional recovery has taken a year. There is still the fear, still the teary moments and still the angry moments. However they are not as overwhelming. I still have those "f**k I had breast cancer" moments and not a day goes by where I do not think about BC.

There was a time when I refused to drive to Broome from Derby for a shopping / lunch outing with husband or friends because it brought back all the trauma of having to fly down to Perth for treatment.  So many bad memories. A week ago I had to fly to Perth for my first 12 month scans. I breezed through the airport - and that's when I realised that I was getting better emotionally. 

It was better when we flew back into Broome and started the 3 hour drive home. I began to relax getting closer to home. The red dirt, the boab trees, the blueness of the sky and the space around us I "felt" home and I realised how settled I am. 

I too once read that psychological studies show that 50% of women with breast cancer have some ptsd but only about a quarter of those women seek help of some kind.  That's a lot of hurting, confused and distressed women. I was lucky - my gp recognised my distressed state. She prescribed "happy pills". Normally I would have refused them, gone out and chucked another boab nut at old man boab tree. This time, even my lonely little fogged brain cell recognised that I needed some enhancing help. It took a while - over 10 months for me to realise "It is what it is" (my new mantra). I have done all I can. 

It does take time. The experienced hands on this site who kept posting that things will get better were my comfort. 

BCNA forum site is my sanity site. 

hahaha @Zoffiel - Oh dear, I am a bit of a hoarder too ..... coming from a childhood where I basically owned nothing (I was at boarding school from age 7-17) .... I really LOVE having 'things'!   I even buy stuff, just so I HAVE it - I don't necessarily even USE it or wear it!! 

But I am nowhere near as bad as those shown on TV!!

It worries my husband more than it does me!  LOL  He has just given away 2 of his racing bikes and about 20+ tyres & tubes (now that he has stopped competitive racing.)   I can't see me doing that with my fishing rods & ukuleles!!  I only have about 50 rods & 10 ukuleles!!  ;) 

But I love my stuff - and know that I need to declutter BIG TIME as we DO want to downsize sooner or later ..... and that will take a couple of years on it's own, I reckon!  :(  

I'll do a 'Scarlet' thing (from 'Gone with the Wind') - Tomorrow, I'll think about that tomorrow!!

In the meantime - I'm going fishing!   :) 

I'm too guilty to die. The bloody mess is phenomenal. I've got a horrible feeling I'm developing some sort of hoarding disorder and I'll be found mummified in the caravan after being smothered by the spare bedding that has taken up residence in there. Or squashed like a cockroach under a pile  of timber that might be useful. One day. Things will have to be sorted out before I shuffle off. What a job.