Thanks for the posts, all of your posts. I have read them with tears rolling down my cheeks. One thing that stands out is 'finding your way back to you'. I have absolutely no idea who or where I am emotionally. Trying to renavigate a world that is so changed for me. I see through very different eyes. I am coming up to my 12 month scans etc. Terrified, anxious, lonely, panicked. I finished chemo in January, Rad in March. Daughters 21st was the same time so no party or any extra celebrations as my treatment took centre stage. Eyelashes and eyebrows fell out during chemo and then a few months back they came back and now they have dropped out/thinned out again-is this normal?
I am back at work, short grey/silver hair when it used to brown and past my shoulders. There is nothing private about this disease and treatment. Colleagues are nice, but of course, don't understand. The horror stories at times still occur (people trying to relate tell you of the awful thing that happened to their relative) or I hear 'well now you have to get to five years'. One lady I work with can barely look at me. I either terrify her or she she feels such pity that it is too painful for her. I used to love where I worked. Part of me still does but now, post BC I think I want to leave. All my family has been affected. I look at all my relationships differently and experience days of being down, angry, hurt, scared and alone. Its so isolating and everybody who knows me knows what I have been through of course and the constant reminder is how different I look. Friends are ...... I don't even know what that means to have friends.
Now my considerations turn to 'should I have a hysterectomy plus ovaries & Fallopian tubes out', should I have bilateral mastectomies?', should I push for MRI & CT as I never had either.
I have been trying to participate in life and feel so guilty when I say in bed like today just trying to understand my thoughts and the feelings of sadness and vulnerability. Feel like I should be being actively grateful and doing things to show how amazingly grateful I am. I have all these thoughts now related to the different body I now have. Everything is heavy. Joints all ache-worse now in winter. I used to 'bam do this' 'bam do that'. Now its a planned bam with not much bam at all. One thing at a time. Every twinge now I am terrified its back. It is like I don't know my body and I guess I don't because everything is so changed. My memory is absolutely shocking and sometimes I forget words. I can see the thing in my mind that I want to say but I don't remember what its called-is this normal? How long does it take to feel 'normal' what ever that is.
