Forum Discussion
Recovery Emotions
After a good couple of weeks I had a bad day yesterday. On what should have been a good one. One bad thing happened, I cried, and the rest of the day was cactus.
I was starting the very first session of the ExMed Cancer exercise programme. I parked, walked fast (running a couple of minutes late) the 20m to the ticket machine, got the ticket and headed back to the car. I saw a man and a woman standing next to my car, gesturing at it, talking and taking pictures of it. My first thought was don't tell me someone's backed into it in the minute my back had been turned. So when I got there, the woman walking away by now, I politely asked the man "what's going on with my car?"
I won't go into the whole conversation but it turns out he was a parking inspector, which was impossible to tell unless you were really close to him and took time to look at the tiny logo on his non-descript zip up hoodie/jumper thing. He was smug, aggressive, didn't identify himself until I asked him who he was. He was unhelpful, bordering on rude and smirked as I put the ticket on my dashboard. Loathesome.
Then I had to wait ages to get into the gym as they haven't organised passes yet, and when I got upstairs the meet n greet had finished, I didn't know where to put my stuff (cos you need a pass to use the lockers) and I couldn't see the exercise physiologist. When he did see me and come over, he asked how I was and I burst into tears.
This reaction is completely unlike me! Normally an encounter like that would get my dander up and I'd be lodging formal complaints!
Today I feel a tad better but absurdly brittle.
Why are my emotions so close to the surface now?? I feel like the slightest thing will have me weeping and beating a hasty retreat to my cave. I've travelled the world on my own ffs! I've given birth with no drugs, stood up to bullies and talk to strangers without blinking an eye. Will this ever go away or is this the new me? I don't like it, I don't like it at all.
I know I feel more vulnerable now, and I'm trying to embrace that and allow it to bring more empathy and softness to how I interact with the world, but I really need my skin to be a bit thicker...
I was starting the very first session of the ExMed Cancer exercise programme. I parked, walked fast (running a couple of minutes late) the 20m to the ticket machine, got the ticket and headed back to the car. I saw a man and a woman standing next to my car, gesturing at it, talking and taking pictures of it. My first thought was don't tell me someone's backed into it in the minute my back had been turned. So when I got there, the woman walking away by now, I politely asked the man "what's going on with my car?"
I won't go into the whole conversation but it turns out he was a parking inspector, which was impossible to tell unless you were really close to him and took time to look at the tiny logo on his non-descript zip up hoodie/jumper thing. He was smug, aggressive, didn't identify himself until I asked him who he was. He was unhelpful, bordering on rude and smirked as I put the ticket on my dashboard. Loathesome.
Then I had to wait ages to get into the gym as they haven't organised passes yet, and when I got upstairs the meet n greet had finished, I didn't know where to put my stuff (cos you need a pass to use the lockers) and I couldn't see the exercise physiologist. When he did see me and come over, he asked how I was and I burst into tears.
This reaction is completely unlike me! Normally an encounter like that would get my dander up and I'd be lodging formal complaints!
Today I feel a tad better but absurdly brittle.
Why are my emotions so close to the surface now?? I feel like the slightest thing will have me weeping and beating a hasty retreat to my cave. I've travelled the world on my own ffs! I've given birth with no drugs, stood up to bullies and talk to strangers without blinking an eye. Will this ever go away or is this the new me? I don't like it, I don't like it at all.
I know I feel more vulnerable now, and I'm trying to embrace that and allow it to bring more empathy and softness to how I interact with the world, but I really need my skin to be a bit thicker...
88 Replies
- Thinking of you tomorrow, @tigerbeth xx
- @tigerbeth
Sorry to read it's your Dad's funeral.
Never easy!
Take care
Sending you a virtual hug - Oh @kmakm & @"Annie C"
wish I had the answer for you !
I feel so sad for you both , I do have my moments too but not to the degree you do .
Kate next time call me please , you could have come & sat in my garden with me today ! Contemplating tomorrow ,dads funeral
Thinking of you both xxx - Big hugs to BOTH of you, @"Annie C" and @kmakm - and some kisses too! xxxx
I hope your GP can get you in to see someone asap, Kate xx - @"Annie C" Thanks Annie.
- @kmakm
Oh Kate
I hope that you hang in there. I still have days / weeks where I feel that I cannot cope. I do not know what sparks it off. It can be something as silly as something out of place, a piece of sewing that went wrong, getting organised for these few days away or just life biting me on the bum.
I have given up on mindfulness. I just ride out the shitty time. Hide myself away and lick my wounds.
Lately I find myself asking "What happened to me".
I have not found the answer. Lots of people told me it would "get better".
Well they have obviously never experienced what you and I have.
Big hugs to you Kate.
Annie - I'm having a shit day today. Anxious, and weepy. Just feel like I can't cope with life anymore. I've had a great two weeks and I was hoping it would carry me through a bit longer.
I've done the five things mindfulness, just taken a Valium after trying to get on top of the anxiety by myself all day, and now I'm going l to meditate for a bit before heading into the kitchen to prepare dinner.
Seeing my GP on Wednesday. I'll ask if she can recommend a psychologist for me. I need some professional help.
I feel so pathetic posting this, but it's for those of you who asked me to not stop with these 'struggling' posts.
I'm also going to take some painkillers as I'm totally fed up with my aching ankles. I just want to stop feeling pain, emotional and physical. - I am not far enough 'down the road' to be confident of a 'clear life' ahead - I am not sure if I will EVER lose that 'what if' ..... but .... right NOW ... I am getting out, doing what I enjoy doing, & have been able to get back to do most of what I was doing before my diagnosis, surgery, radiation & tablets ......
When you are in that 'special space' of doing something you love - you can actually block out most negative and worrying thoughts ...
I hope you can find that ‘special space’ to help you move on xxx
Be true to yourself ..... and all the best - It's unlooked for change that's the big challenge. We all change, at least you would hope so or we will be pre adolescent for life. It's the changes you don't want that get you down. Over a longer time frame, I have a bit of the Jimmy Barnes thing going - I quite like the person I've become. Also not all of the changes are cancer-driven, my increasing refusal to cop bureaucratic stupidity (particularly in the corporate world) is simple older person grumpiness-because-I-can. It just all takes time, time that we would prefer to use doing something better. More enjoyable. Less irritating. Less reminding. Best wishes all.
- Well it's bloody better than the alternative!
Here still to tell the tale!
Being angry and letting off steam is part of it as long as the anger subsides eventually
