Hi all, I guess I am posting this to vent and try and clear my head. When I thought I was getting through this and doing well, coping with the off days and getting back into work etc, I seem to be going backwards. I have had quiet a few meltdowns in the last couple of months. My wonderful friends have been there for me, but I seem to be arguing with them and melting down with them the most. They have said I have put up my old walls plus a few more to protect myself, but it is having the reverse effect. My counsellor has said that I have not let myself deal with the adventure my life took in 2014, while others say I just need to get past it and move forward. I would love to move forward, but find I have way less tolerance for things I once put up with, that my emotions are still so shallow and I now voice my opinion if I don't like the situation I am in. This voicing is not in a way that others appreciate. I am at such a loss, and don't understand why this is happening and what to do next. I am sure that it is just a rough patch and will get through it, but not sure how. I have talked to my friends and seeing the counsellor again, so hopefully this will help. Plus my body is still lagging way behind physically, which hopefully will be sorted when I have surgery to have the parathyroids removed that are making my calcium levels to high. I could be worrying about that, as it means being in hospital again and another operation. Once again thank you for this site to allow us to vent and say what is on our mind, to help us heal in all ways.

Sometimes it is hard to switch from tiger fighting cancer to a nice domestic pussy cat. Bit by bit you will get there. Hormone treatment can also play a part and make you not quite like your own self. Hopefully you can settle down a bit after the thyroid op. My aunt had one of those and she was just fine but it also took time for her to adjust. Just give yourself a bit more time.

Morning reading your post is how I have felt. I'm going on to 2 years and every now and then I get overwhelmed with what has happened over the last 2 years. Yes I'm a survivor but I still struggle. I see a phycologist and she has helped alot. I keep a journal, I used to wright in it every day and my phycologist told me to wright 3 positive things every day. I was surprised how much the journal helped . I was also on Tamoxifan and have changed to Arimidex and my emotions are not every where (well not as bad) We are all in a hurry to get back to normal but it takes time, out bodies and our lives have been turned upside down and it takes a while for it all to heal. My friends tell me all the time not to be so hard on myself so this is my tip for you take carexx

Hi there I finished treatment 9 months ago and for me it is like I have PTSD. I had a few meltdowns going through treatment but on a whole I coped pretty well. Now I'm struggling. What the!!!! But the fact is I tried so hard to keep things positive and normal that I never really had time to acknowledge what was happening to me and just how serious my situation was. I was so busy just getting through what I had to that I never took the time to think about what was happening. I too am finding it difficult to move forward. How can you when it hangs over your head like a dark cloud? I still have checks and appointments every 3 months for two years. I still have to have scans and mammograms at least every 6 months, I'm tired and struggle physically with the damage that has been done to my body from treatment. I don't think you can go through something like this and it not have an affect on you and change you. And more to the point I don't understand why others can't see that? It's interesting that we both started this journey in 2014 and seem to be in the same place at the moment. Apart from keeping the lines of communications open with your friends and telling them how you feel, I don't think the is much else we can do but go through it. As for the ones who say we should just get over it, well I tend to explain why I can't get over it and if they can't understand that then that's their problem not mine. I have lost a number of friends since this process began, as have many others. So be it. I don't have time to waste on people who don't care about me the way I cared about them or people who choose not to try to understand. Hang in there. We will get through just like we have everything else. Take care. Karen xox

Hi there A pathologist once referred to my adventure. At the time, I felt like hitting him. With time, I realised he was right. Not all adventures are fun. Most of us on this one spend a lot of time wanting to go back to normal. Takes a while to realise that nobody goes back, to normal or anything else, we all go forward. You are possibly in that middle space, wanting what used to be, unhappy with what is, not ready for what will be. It's a hard place to be. Cancer is a very steep learning curve about embracing what is and looking for the best that can be. Talking to your counsellor is a good start. You are protecting yourself, because you have learned you are vulnerable. Now you have to learn that risk is part of life, and to accept it rather than fear it. It's hard, have patience with yourself. And enjoy things, do one thing that makes you happy or laugh every day. Practice happiness. good luck.

Wow, Thank you all - from feeling so alone to being able to read your stories and find that it is normal. And yes I have heard this from everyone, as well as not to over think and not be too hard on myself. Never really been one who has had the black dog around, but this is probably where I am at. I went to the beach today and enjoyed it, throwing myself in the ocean is my best therapy and especially when I take my dog. Somehow she knows when I am not alright. I have been dragon boating with some very awesome people, and had a massive meltdown there - and not sure how to return. I respect them and really need their support as most have been through or still going through this crazy adventure a second time. I think I am more embarrassed about returning as don't want them judging me. But that is probably all in my head. And yes I have emailed the counsellor and have made a time to meet. I could go back on medication to help, but think it is best I just work through this - otherwise it will still be there. Think the biggest emotion is anger - anger at a lot of things, lack of support from my Mum, anger at my sister who was great during but not so now (and my cousin told me she didn't deal with me getting breast cancer - so maybe that is where her anger is coming from), anger at just being the 1 in 8, anger at my body not healing and recovering as fast as I would like it. Wow when it is put down in writing - kind of makes sense. So, maybe a week off paddling will be good, can go to Rotary and mix with others. I am in two minds about paddling - being with like minded is good, but then there is that constant visual that it never really goes away. But overall it has been good. You are all amazing, and I wish you well with your adventures. I am off to listen to some live music tonight, so that should help.

Meltdowns | BCNA Online Network

14 Replies

wndsrfn
Member
9 years ago
Glad you made it through. Working out the new you and where to go is challenging very challenging but I am now in a better place to treat it as another adventure. The quote I am going by at the moment is 'Not getting what you want is what you need'.
Brenda5
Member
9 years ago
Small world Ne, I have Schnauzers too! Wise words from your friend about the new you and its true. I have been given a second life. Many don't survive but I have. I just haven't figured out properly yet with any real plan what the new me is going to do in life.
socoda
Member
9 years ago
Awesome Xx
wndsrfn
Member
9 years ago
Thanks Cath - I have got back into the dragonboating and they have been absolutely awesome. Funny enough I did put it in writing for my firends and they still are a bit different but things are much better and hopefully this will continue.

And yes I am trying to be kinder to myself, about what I have gone through and how far I have come. There is still a little way to go but by this time next year I will have caught up financially as well so that will be another big relief. Same to you re the beach and sand free.
socoda
Member
9 years ago
Hi wndsrfn, I reckon go back to your dragon boating - people are a lot more understanding than we give them credit for and if it was me I would make them a cheesecake slice or something (not as an apology, but to make me feel better!!!) Tell them you had a meltdown, it was suddenly too much and dont be embarrassed - life is too short!!! Get back there and enjoy it - your physical self needs it too :) - stress relief!!!!! As for your friends - that's what they are friends who have stuck with you, who would have wanted to assist you in any way they could but probably felt so totally useless, I'm sure you haven't driven them away. Why not get a couple of thank you cards and express to them what their friendship has meant and still means to you (sometimes its easier to say it in writing than verbally). Last of all and certainly not least of all - I have yet to read anywhere that there is a time limit on feelings, emotions, responses in relation to breast cancer or any other type of cancer. Our old lives were almost in a sense carefree until diagnosis then our realities changed. I choose to now look on my diagnosis and treatment as a wake up call to cherish each day, to laugh and to refuse to be serious!! I wish for you the ability to forgive yourself for being human, the perfect swell at the beach, and sand free cossies/wetsuit!!! All the best Xx Cath
Karenhappyquilt
Member
9 years ago
I too am surprised at how emotional I can be and that I get so stressed. I thought I would be very patient and calm and wise after cancer, but not yet. Thanks everyone for your thoughtful comments. Good luck everyone
Ne
Member
9 years ago
I agree with @Afraser . I too was stuck in that middle area where I was longing for the old me to return. I had meltdowns, I had panic attacks in the middle of Woollies, I definitely had a stronger opinion and voiced it. I felt so unhappy. I am not going to say I am completely over it now, but the change came for me when one day a dear friend said to me "you know how you posted on facebook the other day about how you missed the old you and how you were waiting for the old you to return"? she said " well in my opinion you are too hard on the new you and frankly I like the new you more! The new you don't stress the little stuff as much as the old Rene did and you are not nearly as anxious as you were back in the day" It seems you know yourself so much better now, so give the new you some slack cause she is an improved version of the old you!"...

I really felt empowered by her comment and upon self inspection I realised what she said was true. Although still petrified at times, I did settle into a new me and have started to adapt little by little. I have to remind myself that having had cancer does not give me the green card to trample on people so I have learned to say no or disagree with people in a cool and polite manner. I have chosen only my partner and maybe one best friend to voice my fears with when I go through a rough patch (this way I avoid being negative to everyone about my challenges). I even found a 'nicer' way of saying I have a shit day when asked how I am (all in an attempt to help myself speak positively and choose joy). Nowadays if someone asks How I am traveling and it is a bad day I just say "I have good days and I have better days, today is a good day"

We were also made to attend a staff orientation workshop on workplace culture shortly after I returned to work where I experienced a lightbulb moment. They said that we need to reflect the culture we want to see in our workplace that it was a choice, not something someone was going to do for us. It made me realise I was choosing to be down constantly, I was choosing to feel defeated and if I was going to get out of this dark depressing hell hole I was going to have to choose it and change my thinking, my actions, my words, my way of doing. I have not perfected this but it was like a weight had lifted off my shoulders. I am limiting negative talk, I focus on the small blessings I see, experience whether it be a coffee on my patio, a sunset, my dogs running a schnauzer derby around the yard or just hugging my teenage kids.

I so wish i had a magic solution for us all, but I can only encourage you with what I feel and are experiencing is working for me. You will never get over this, but you have a choice in how to handle everything from here on in. I think also to experience a bad day or bad week does not mean you have a bad life. Allow yourself those dark days, get up from it whether it takes a day or two or 8 and then dust yourself off and continue with life. Soon you will look back on some of those dark days feeling "wow, I can't believe I was so down and out, but gosh have I come far since". This is a marathon not a sprint. We are all here for you to hold your arms up when you feel battle weary. Stay strong x Huggles
wndsrfn
Member
9 years ago
Hi all, just re read all the comments and they are still very true. Everyday is a new adventure and a new step foward. I have recently come across a saying "Sometimes not getting what you want is what you need". I have worked through a lot, have amazing friends who continue to support me and keep me in their lives. I am now thinking that BC may have been the event to make me look hard at what I am doing and to do more of what I love and spend it with the people I love. You are all truly amazing.
Cook65
Member
10 years ago
Don't worry about having a meltdown in front of others who've been through it. They get it
wndsrfn
Member
10 years ago
Wow, Thank you all - from feeling so alone to being able to read your stories and find that it is normal. And yes I have heard this from everyone, as well as not to over think and not be too hard on myself. Never really been one who has had the black dog around, but this is probably where I am at.

I went to the beach today and enjoyed it, throwing myself in the ocean is my best therapy and especially when I take my dog. Somehow she knows when I am not alright.

I have been dragon boating with some very awesome people, and had a massive meltdown there - and not sure how to return. I respect them and really need their support as most have been through or still going through this crazy adventure a second time. I think I am more embarrassed about returning as don't want them judging me. But that is probably all in my head.

And yes I have emailed the counsellor and have made a time to meet. I could go back on medication to help, but think it is best I just work through this - otherwise it will still be there. Think the biggest emotion is anger - anger at a lot of things, lack of support from my Mum, anger at my sister who was great during but not so now (and my cousin told me she didn't deal with me getting breast cancer - so maybe that is where her anger is coming from), anger at just being the 1 in 8, anger at my body not healing and recovering as fast as I would like it.

Wow when it is put down in writing - kind of makes sense. So, maybe a week off paddling will be good, can go to Rotary and mix with others. I am in two minds about paddling - being with like minded is good, but then there is that constant visual that it never really goes away. But overall it has been good.

You are all amazing, and I wish you well with your adventures. I am off to listen to some live music tonight, so that should help.

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