Meltdowns

I agree with @Afraser .  I too was stuck in that middle area where I was longing for the old me to return.  I had meltdowns, I had panic attacks in the middle of Woollies, I definitely had a stronger opinion and voiced it.  I felt so unhappy.  I am not going to say I am completely over it now, but the change came for me when one day a dear friend said to me "you know how you posted on facebook the other day about how you missed the old you and how you were waiting for the old you to return"? she said " well in my opinion you are too hard on the new you and frankly I like the new you more!  The new you don't stress the little stuff as much as the old Rene did and you are not nearly as anxious as you were back in the day" It seems you know yourself so much better now, so give the new you some slack cause she is an improved version of the old you!"...

I really felt empowered by her comment and upon self inspection I realised what she said was true.  Although still petrified at times, I did settle into a new me and have started to adapt little by little.  I have to remind myself that having had cancer does not give me the green card to trample on people so I have learned to say no or disagree with people in a cool and polite manner.  I have chosen only my partner and maybe one best friend to voice my fears with when I go through a rough patch (this way I avoid being negative to everyone about my challenges).  I even found a 'nicer' way of saying I have a shit day when asked how I am (all in an attempt to help myself speak positively and choose joy).  Nowadays if someone asks How I am traveling and it is a bad day I just say "I have good days and I have better days, today is a good day"

We were also made to attend a staff orientation workshop on workplace culture shortly after I returned to work where I experienced a lightbulb moment.  They said that we need to reflect the culture we want to see in our workplace that it was a choice, not something someone was going to do for us.  It made me realise I was choosing to be down constantly, I was choosing to feel defeated and if I was going to get out of this dark depressing hell hole I was going to have to choose it and change my thinking, my actions, my words, my way of doing.  I have not perfected this but it was like a weight had lifted off my shoulders.  I am limiting negative talk, I focus on the small blessings I see, experience whether it be a coffee on my patio, a sunset, my dogs running a schnauzer derby around the yard or just hugging my teenage kids.

I so wish i had a magic solution for us all, but I can only encourage you with what I feel and are experiencing is working for me.  You will never get over this, but you have a choice in how to handle everything from here on in. I think also to experience a bad day or bad week does not mean you have a bad life.  Allow yourself those dark days, get up from it whether it takes a day or two or 8 and then dust yourself off and continue with life.  Soon you will look back on some of those dark days feeling "wow, I can't believe I was so down and out, but gosh have I come far since".  This is a marathon not a sprint.  We are all here for you to hold your arms up when you feel battle weary.  Stay strong x Huggles