It’s harder and lonelier now that I’m in remission. What’s that about?

@Annetted Where sre you located? The BCNA runs information nights snd conferences about life after breast cancer. I've booked in for a couple; I'm taking my husband to one next month!

You could also think about joining a support group. A lot of the women here have found that really helpful. The Cancer Council website has a good location based search page.

I asked my breastcare nurse for a counsellor recommendation and see a community funded woman who specialises in helping women with breast cancer. She's excellent and costs $12.40 a session!

You could also give the BCNA helpline a call for a chat and some advice. The ladies there are fantastic, empathetic and skilled. 1800 500 258.

Many women find survivorship a struggle, especially at first. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. Let us know how you get on. And you can always come here for a rant and a complain! Take care. K xox

Thankyou, I don’t have anybody like that, I think I might have to see somebody xx 

@Annetted That is so tough. What is it about us that we find it necessary to do that? I am so nervous about this time. It's not like we can go round shouting "I've changed, I'm different" everyday. We'd bore the pants of everybody...

Have you got a counsellor or a breastcare nurse you can talk to regularly? It might help. I hope you feel better soon. Hang in there. K xox

I feel exactly the same, I finished treatment in January, everyone expects me to be fine and back to normal...but I’m not .. each day is hard, I don’t feel like myself anymore, I look in the mirror and I don’t know who I’m looking at, I can’t loose any weight, I don’t sleep , I’m a mess, but I keep a smile on my face for my family 
so hard xx

I will be 6 years this year and as the appointments get further apart l wonder what the feelings will be? Today 2 of my ladies in my support group were taken of all their meds and no more appointments now that would be very strange.

@Zoffiel

I’m really sorry you had to deal with this twice

I hear ya year I feel the same lonley no one seems to fully understand the how we feel with or new look n the mental side and surgery's n test lucky we have girl power x

Hi @"Holly Prevails" 
I've had two bouts of BC --Version 1 and V2. I , too can identify with what you are saying. V1, I had all manner of trouble with surgery that went on and on (still have issues) but mentally I was OK. Maybe that was because I was still part of the system long after chemo and didn't feel so much like I'd been cast out on my own. By the time I'd had 7 surgeries I was well and truly ready to get the hell away from the medical system.

This time has been very different. In the intervening years two of the founding members of my Team Titty have died and I feel like everyone else is getting a little jaded. '''Again, Marg? Really?'. Physically I'm taking a very long time to recover which, of course, impacts on my mental health. Its not doing my bank balance any good either.

I also have a long standing relationship with a shrink, but I'm struggling to afford to see her, and I'm not sure that there is much she can do anyway. OK, maybe we could continue some anger management stuff and work on my coming to terms with my situation, but while I'm still seeing my broken body as the problem I don't know that's useful either.

 Its the everyday stuff--I try really hard not to be a downer if I'm asked how I'm doing. What do you say? Perhaps that why some people don't ask, they can take one look at me and go, 'Nup, I don't really want to know.' The other end of the equation are those who keep bloody asking in the hope of getting some bad news, I don't feel like being the exclamation mark at the end of someone's story about the people they know who have cancer. They can get stuffed. See, no wonder people are conflicted about how to approach the subject...

Keep plodding and treasure the good hours. They are there, it's just too easy to focus on the dark stuff. I'm going to plant more trees today. Nothing says 'Hope' more than planting a garden. Mxx

Please do keep writing Holly. You're very articulate.  You write very clearly many feelings I have had/am having. I'm sure many others here have had them as well.

Heartbroken is a good word. The old life is gone and we're sitting in the ruins. The new life that will come may be good, worse or OK. We just don't know and we need to grieve first. I have struggled with the enforced change to me that this disease has imposed. I have been deeply resistant and now I just feel lost.

I can feel a retreat from friends and family within myself too. I have read that this is a normal reaction, but it doesn't make it any easier to manage. I look forward to the day when it won't be there.

We're in the trenches knee deep in mud. We have to look up and see that there is blue sky up there, or at least know that it's waiting when the clouds part. K xox

Wow I am overwhelmed at the insight and thoughtful care you guys have written to me, thank you so much ❤️ I do feel like a war torn soldier in a way. It is so hard to fit back into an old way of life once you’ve seen the darkest side of things, I completely identify with PTSD. Even though I haven’t been shot at or forcefully harmed, I really believe the trauma of B Ca is triggering the same type of symptoms. 

It’s been 7 months since I finished my 33 (?lost count) blasts of radiation. I started on Zoladex and Exemestane not long after that. I got severe joint stiffness and pain and depression with it, so my Onc decided to give me a washout period for 6 weeks. Now I’m back on Zoladex and have to trial a different AI drug. Sigh. And I’ve watched my self esteem go from invincible and so proud of myself, to the lowest of the low over these 7-odd months. 

Ive been seeing an awesome psychologist for years before cancer, because I’m bipolar type 2. I also see an amazing psychiatrist, I have two incredible breast care nurses, and my GP is also just amazing. I am SO LUCKY to have all of these brilliant women on my side. I’ve just never felt so alone through everything in quite the way I do now, so I am so glad I posted here and have found other women who are practically word for word describing what I’ve been through! 

Writing this with a migraine so i might I might have missed some points I wanted to pick up on, sorry. Brain scrambled! But yes AFraser I like the word ‘danger’ that you used, because I very much feel the sense of threat always - yet the threat is over for everyone else except me. I’m struggling a lot with how to express to my fam and friends that I still have that danger mindset? It kind of bleeds over from treatment into a different kind of urgency, but is very misunderstood if that makes sense? 

Romla i also love long walks :) I try for an hour a day. 30 min or at least a stroll on bad days. I think you’re right about opening ourselves up to new things. I have done more things that take me right outside my comfort zone post treatment than I ever would have before so that’s a positive. But I guess I’m just really heartbroken that the way things were with my body, my friends, my work, my energy...all have been altered so much and I wish some of those changes had been positive too. I have lost closeness with people. I grieve for that still. But maybe it is like the beginning of a better stronger type of life? It’s just very hard to let go and move forward sometimes. 

x o hugs and thanks. I will keep writing. This has been so helpful. xo