Wow I am overwhelmed at the insight and thoughtful care you guys have written to me, thank you so much ❤️ I do feel like a war torn soldier in a way. It is so hard to fit back into an old way of life once you’ve seen the darkest side of things, I completely identify with PTSD. Even though I haven’t been shot at or forcefully harmed, I really believe the trauma of B Ca is triggering the same type of symptoms.
It’s been 7 months since I finished my 33 (?lost count) blasts of radiation. I started on Zoladex and Exemestane not long after that. I got severe joint stiffness and pain and depression with it, so my Onc decided to give me a washout period for 6 weeks. Now I’m back on Zoladex and have to trial a different AI drug. Sigh. And I’ve watched my self esteem go from invincible and so proud of myself, to the lowest of the low over these 7-odd months.
Ive been seeing an awesome psychologist for years before cancer, because I’m bipolar type 2. I also see an amazing psychiatrist, I have two incredible breast care nurses, and my GP is also just amazing. I am SO LUCKY to have all of these brilliant women on my side. I’ve just never felt so alone through everything in quite the way I do now, so I am so glad I posted here and have found other women who are practically word for word describing what I’ve been through!
Writing this with a migraine so i might I might have missed some points I wanted to pick up on, sorry. Brain scrambled! But yes AFraser I like the word ‘danger’ that you used, because I very much feel the sense of threat always - yet the threat is over for everyone else except me. I’m struggling a lot with how to express to my fam and friends that I still have that danger mindset? It kind of bleeds over from treatment into a different kind of urgency, but is very misunderstood if that makes sense?
Romla i also love long walks :) I try for an hour a day. 30 min or at least a stroll on bad days. I think you’re right about opening ourselves up to new things. I have done more things that take me right outside my comfort zone post treatment than I ever would have before so that’s a positive. But I guess I’m just really heartbroken that the way things were with my body, my friends, my work, my energy...all have been altered so much and I wish some of those changes had been positive too. I have lost closeness with people. I grieve for that still. But maybe it is like the beginning of a better stronger type of life? It’s just very hard to let go and move forward sometimes.
x o hugs and thanks. I will keep writing. This has been so helpful. xo
