I just want to say I have had an absolutely shit day because of my family. Not the one I live with, but the one I was born into. I won't bore you with the details, but I've been incredibly upset, and my stress levels, already high, are now through the roof.What do other people do when they have family dramas mid-treatment?I know that it is hard to get out of your own head when you are dealing with BC. Since I had the call back letter from BreastScreen it has been virtually impossible for me to think of anything else. But I have tried, especially with my family. I have plastered smiles on my face, I have tried not to worry them. I'm trying so hard to keep everything going. We are told to de-stress our lives to protect and improve our health. But what if the stress is from the people who supposedly love you, but who choose to either obstruct you, deliberately refuse to help, or actively attack you (for petty reasons while they are on holiday on the other side of the world I might add) while you are recovering from chemotherapy and preparing to lose your breasts?? I don't know how to untangle this knot.I don't think I've put this very well, but I hope you get my conundrum. Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me? How do I cope with family drama while having treatment for breast cancer?

Tell them to f#@k off. Seriously. If the whole shebang falls apart because you aren't holding it together, too bad. Family is overrated. There seems to be this mad idea that if you are related to someone you have to endure what ever bullshit they deal out. Really?Are these the sort of people you would volunteer to spend time with if there was no blood tie? If the answer is no, abandon ship. Leave them to it. Bad behaviour flourishes when someone else holds the fort and encourages it.That's probably enough mixed metaphors for this time of the morning, but you did ask for advice. Mxxx

hi there @kmakm we too had dramas with family whilst I was going through chemo. long story but the best thing we did was just disconnect from them and still do it was the best therapy and its only when you step back that you realise just how toxic they have been in the past and sometimes its for the best that's for sure so no regrets from us for doing that. Since my diagnosis ive made an executive decision that I just don't want anyone in my life that doesn't really give a shit about me or my family or has time for me or my family, it was all very one sided there at one stage and hence why we have cut them out of our lives now so its a good thing for me and my husband mentally, nor do I tolerate dickheads anymore like I used to either. I just don't have time for them. I know @zoffiels advice might seem harsh to some but I totally agree its sometimes for the best and I know we are so much better off without all the extra stress. Margie xx

Digging holes works for me. Ive got someone who's on the verge of being given The Treatment. Problem is, she pays me and I need the work.Yesterday I tried a couple of things to let off steam instead of telling her to fuck off. I chainsawed for a while, but that just made me shitty because one saw wouldn't idle properly and the other had a stubbornly dull chain. So I decided to dig some nice big holes in preparation for planting a new section of garden.That worked a treat. The ground is like concrete so I augered and crowbarred and sweated for a while. Then I filled my holes up with water. When a couple wouldn't drain I got in there and Stabbed and Stabbed with my crowbar until the ground gave up a bit. Then I dug some more. Then I added gypsum and water crystals and cow shit and ash and burnt soil from the bon fire. More water. More stabbing. Voila! I'm totally shagged, I haven't picked up the phone or got in the car to deliver the message personally and I have half a dozen lovely holes to plant trees in when I rains over the weekend. That is a win. Today, well, we will see.

My lovely holes will not go to waste, but a brief skirmish involving terms like 'Jamb it" and 'Screw you" just earned me a pay rise. Go figure. The lesson? Sometimes people will muck you around just because they can and it's only when you pack up your gear and threaten to piss off that they realize your value. That is, of course, another head game which can go badly wrong, but if that's how you feel and you are prepared to wear the consequences, why not? I've saved the 'f' word for the next round. Remarkable restraint on my behalf, I must say.

I haven't got an easy answer for you @kmakm but @zoffiel is right - to the extent that you are able. It's hard for me to say because I no longer have any family but if they're bringing you down that badly you have a right to say it and leave, hangup, whatever. Of course, you can only do that knowing that there is a possibility that the relationships may break down irretrievably as a consequence. Not a great choice, I know. Hugs to you.

Family Drama | BCNA Online Network

80 Replies

kmakm
Member
8 years ago
@"Kiwi Angel" It was an unadulterated pleasure! We met in the National Rhododendrum Gardens and had a walk, and then lunch. Didn't stop talking once. It was a lovely break from the stress. @Finch is a delight! :*
Kiwi_Angel
Member
8 years ago
@kmakm that is lovely they u are off to see @Finch. I think it will be so great for both of u xo
Romla
Member
8 years ago
Just a suggestion - write a letter to your sister saying all you feel/think then BURN it.It is a safe way to vent at this point and might reduce your tension .
Sister
Member
8 years ago
@kmakm The reason I put in about "to the extent that you are able" is because you need to be aware that any reaction from you is going to inflame things in the short-term and you are probably not in a place to deal with that at the moment. Excellent advice for your husband to be a gatekeeper but only if he and you are up for it. Avoidance for the time being, until you are mentally and emotionally stronger, could be the best thing. Only you know what you are prepared to do. I spent many years, on and off, putting emotional distance between my sister and me and trying to protect my Mum from manipulation so I know it's not easy.
Romla
Member
8 years ago
@kmakm as long as your husband deflects the pressure off of you and he should be distant enough to carry it . But timing is everything - I’m not keen on reacting preferring , if I can , to act when I am calm and able to think clearly . ie better to be in control of yourself rather than under the control of others. Not sure if I said this well enough.Also I have noted others seem to get rattled if you don’t rise to their bait.
kmakm
Member
8 years ago
Much and sincerely appreciated @Romla
Romla
Member
8 years ago
It’s ok to cry too @kmakm it releases tension.You might need help eg husband or other close adult implementing these strategies plus maybe someone else may have a fresh way of doing it - hard as it is to do and say you don’t have to carry the world on your back - share the load a little - remember the world still turned before you came along too. Maybe not said by me the best but said with kindness from me still learning the hard way but learnt a little.
kmakm
Member
8 years ago
@iserbrown My husband has been magnificent. Yesterday he fired off a long overdue rocket, one I have restrained him from sending for years. It's probably going to cause an unbelievable amount of trouble but something has to change. I can't live like this any more.

Rest assured, I will be discussing this with my counsellor. But it will have to wait because next time I see her I need to talk about the bi-lateral mastectomy and reconstruction. A concept and event of which these family members seem uncaringly oblivious. They'd say they aren't, but if they truly were, they wouldn't be so mean and thoughtless.

Thank you for your support.
kmakm
Member
8 years ago
@Romla I've just read your second two comments and you speak a lot of sense. It sounds like a bit of cognitive behavioural therapy. I think I need to literally write a list of what to do when this family stuff rears its head, which is sadly very regularly.

I do like cooking, sometimes it can be quite medatative for me. You're very observant!
iserbrown
Member
8 years ago
@kmakm
Perhaps a visit to a Counsellor to develop some coping strategies may help.
When I was called back to Breastscreen they put me and my husband with a Counsellor at the very start of the day, hence instincts said this isn't going to be good and it will be a long day, and it was!
Amongst her advice as the day rolled out was that my husband should take on the role as the gatekeeper, whether it be visitors or phone calls et cetera to ensure that we kept the negative people out of our lives until we were ready to deal with them!
If possible surround yourself with positive people, which is what you have here as unfortunately we've either been there done that or about to do that and we don't judge and we understand

Take care

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