I just want to say I have had an absolutely shit day because of my family. Not the one I live with, but the one I was born into. I won't bore you with the details, but I've been incredibly upset, and my stress levels, already high, are now through the roof.What do other people do when they have family dramas mid-treatment?I know that it is hard to get out of your own head when you are dealing with BC. Since I had the call back letter from BreastScreen it has been virtually impossible for me to think of anything else. But I have tried, especially with my family. I have plastered smiles on my face, I have tried not to worry them. I'm trying so hard to keep everything going. We are told to de-stress our lives to protect and improve our health. But what if the stress is from the people who supposedly love you, but who choose to either obstruct you, deliberately refuse to help, or actively attack you (for petty reasons while they are on holiday on the other side of the world I might add) while you are recovering from chemotherapy and preparing to lose your breasts?? I don't know how to untangle this knot.I don't think I've put this very well, but I hope you get my conundrum. Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me? How do I cope with family drama while having treatment for breast cancer?

Tell them to f#@k off. Seriously. If the whole shebang falls apart because you aren't holding it together, too bad. Family is overrated. There seems to be this mad idea that if you are related to someone you have to endure what ever bullshit they deal out. Really?Are these the sort of people you would volunteer to spend time with if there was no blood tie? If the answer is no, abandon ship. Leave them to it. Bad behaviour flourishes when someone else holds the fort and encourages it.That's probably enough mixed metaphors for this time of the morning, but you did ask for advice. Mxxx

hi there @kmakm we too had dramas with family whilst I was going through chemo. long story but the best thing we did was just disconnect from them and still do it was the best therapy and its only when you step back that you realise just how toxic they have been in the past and sometimes its for the best that's for sure so no regrets from us for doing that. Since my diagnosis ive made an executive decision that I just don't want anyone in my life that doesn't really give a shit about me or my family or has time for me or my family, it was all very one sided there at one stage and hence why we have cut them out of our lives now so its a good thing for me and my husband mentally, nor do I tolerate dickheads anymore like I used to either. I just don't have time for them. I know @zoffiels advice might seem harsh to some but I totally agree its sometimes for the best and I know we are so much better off without all the extra stress. Margie xx

Digging holes works for me. Ive got someone who's on the verge of being given The Treatment. Problem is, she pays me and I need the work.Yesterday I tried a couple of things to let off steam instead of telling her to fuck off. I chainsawed for a while, but that just made me shitty because one saw wouldn't idle properly and the other had a stubbornly dull chain. So I decided to dig some nice big holes in preparation for planting a new section of garden.That worked a treat. The ground is like concrete so I augered and crowbarred and sweated for a while. Then I filled my holes up with water. When a couple wouldn't drain I got in there and Stabbed and Stabbed with my crowbar until the ground gave up a bit. Then I dug some more. Then I added gypsum and water crystals and cow shit and ash and burnt soil from the bon fire. More water. More stabbing. Voila! I'm totally shagged, I haven't picked up the phone or got in the car to deliver the message personally and I have half a dozen lovely holes to plant trees in when I rains over the weekend. That is a win. Today, well, we will see.

My lovely holes will not go to waste, but a brief skirmish involving terms like 'Jamb it" and 'Screw you" just earned me a pay rise. Go figure. The lesson? Sometimes people will muck you around just because they can and it's only when you pack up your gear and threaten to piss off that they realize your value. That is, of course, another head game which can go badly wrong, but if that's how you feel and you are prepared to wear the consequences, why not? I've saved the 'f' word for the next round. Remarkable restraint on my behalf, I must say.

I haven't got an easy answer for you @kmakm but @zoffiel is right - to the extent that you are able. It's hard for me to say because I no longer have any family but if they're bringing you down that badly you have a right to say it and leave, hangup, whatever. Of course, you can only do that knowing that there is a possibility that the relationships may break down irretrievably as a consequence. Not a great choice, I know. Hugs to you.

Family Drama | BCNA Online Network

80 Replies

kmakm
Member
8 years ago
@Zoffiel @AllyJay @"Kiwi Angel" @Sister It is, of course, tremendously complicated by the presence of my sister's children, and advancing age affecting my mother's behaviour. I have blocked my sister on WhatsApp, which is what she used to attack me from her New York holiday. I was shocked and devastated that she chose this time to attack, when I am at my weakest and most vulnerable. Utterly ruthless, and over something so unimportant in the greater scheme of life. Unfortunately severing all contact will lead to fraught access situations. I'm not sure I have the stomach for that.

I suppose the only thing I can control is my reaction. So I think I'll have to do a virtual severing, a mental eff off. Fortify myself so that I care less about them and what they say. Bloody hard on top of everything else. I have kept them at arms length during my cancer episode because I think they've given enough of their lives to cancer. I've actually said that to them more than once. My consideration for them is wasted (I exclude my father from all of this, he has been lovely & pitch perfect).

@Zoffiel your sentence "Bad behaviour flourishes when someone else holds the fort and encourages it" is the one that rang the truest. I have got to stop accepting the bad behaviour and holding the fort. The fact that their bad behaviour continues despite my cancer, and everything my husband and I are doing, shows that their care for me is very low. I have to care less about them to avoid the devastating hurt.

I'm trying not to cry, and resisting the urge to lie in bed with the covers over my head all day... Instead I'm off to the hills to meet @Finch. Thank you for your support, it means a lot.
Romla
Member
8 years ago
@kmakm even having a long shower helps. Think of little things you can do to keep yourself on track - I can’t list them for you as we may have different ones but try. I think you are creative - maybe cooking something special might help one day.Just little things that enable you to turn off and enjoy some me time.I enjoy patting and chatting to my dog Harry - he is always therefor me - it doesn’t need to be something big just something that lifts the moment. Yes it sounds rehearsed but a change of habit needs to be practised I guess - and changing from being the family dustbin does .
Romla
Member
8 years ago
PS I don’t disagree with the comments above and have done something similar BUT I don’t think now is the time. Distance a little emotionally - step back a bit in what you do for them and be a little absent physically . Think up some excuses if challenged and ask for help in this from your immediate family. You can’t control others but you can control how much you participate with them.
kmakm
Member
8 years ago
I took a one hour walk yesterday evening @Romla. I certainly was pleased I did it. I managed over 5km, the longest in a month, so that was good. I think I have to stiffen my resolve to keep my focus on me.
Romla
Member
8 years ago
@kmakm have been there too but don’t think at this time you have the energy to deal with it or the consequences if you try. My advice at this time is to narrow your focus and look only at yourself and your immediate situation.Make a sanity space each day just for you - for me it was that daily one hour walk I keep talking about- I use it to clear my head and lift my mood by releasing endorphins. Your survival at this time is paramount.
AllyJay
Member
8 years ago
Tell them quite bluntly that you have quite enough steaming shit on the plate that the Cosmic Clowns have put before you, and that you have neither the time, energy or inclination to now have to chew through their particular turd burger that they want to add to the meal.If this particular dipshit is on the other side of the world at the moment, I presume the message didn't come by carrier pigeon, but by some or other electronic means. Block them.
AllyJay
Member
8 years ago
Agree with @Zoffiel . Just because you share some DNA doesn't mean you have to put up with crap. Toxic is toxic, whatever the wrapping. The old adage of you can choose your friends but not your family may be true, but you certainly can choose whether or not you burn up emotional calories on them. For my own mental health, I chose to sever all contact with my highly venomous mother and stepfather. I last spoke to her at my brother's funeral in 1995 and my words were to basically get sexually active and travel. That is Fuck Off!!! Best decision ever.
Kiwi_Angel
Member
8 years ago
@kmakm. I agree with @Zoffiel too. U have enough of your own shit to deal with without taking on other people’s crap. Your number one priority is u and u need to do what is best for u. Many people are inherently selfish and think that their problems are bigger than yours - complete lack of perspective!! F**k em!! Big hugs xoxoxox
Sister
Member
8 years ago
I haven't got an easy answer for you @kmakm but @zoffiel is right - to the extent that you are able. It's hard for me to say because I no longer have any family but if they're bringing you down that badly you have a right to say it and leave, hangup, whatever. Of course, you can only do that knowing that there is a possibility that the relationships may break down irretrievably as a consequence. Not a great choice, I know. Hugs to you.
Zoffiel
Member
8 years ago
Tell them to f#@k off.
Seriously. If the whole shebang falls apart because you aren't holding it together, too bad.
Family is overrated. There seems to be this mad idea that if you are related to someone you have to endure what ever bullshit they deal out. Really?
Are these the sort of people you would volunteer to spend time with if there was no blood tie? If the answer is no, abandon ship. Leave them to it. Bad behaviour flourishes when someone else holds the fort and encourages it.
That's probably enough mixed metaphors for this time of the morning, but you did ask for advice. Mxxx

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