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@Zoffiel and @Michelle_R I hate it when fruit isn't as good as we think it will be. I have a bad habit of buying raspberries for baking and by the time I've got energy to bake they are mouldy and I've wasted money. Gosh $10 is very expensive for a punet of blueberries.2
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@MicheleR, isn't spoiled fruit a perfect metaphor for an unsatisfactory experience? Ironically, my favourite fruit is super rotten to the point of fermentation. It's the half way bit that grinds my gears.
Hang in there. Being grumpy and disgruntled is not the end of the world even if it's not anyone's preferred situation. I loathe being lost, but sometimes that is an inevitable consequence of not knowing where I'm going.
My day got better after I read your post and decided not to go to work. Because I really don't have to work many more hours than I'm contracted to and sometimes I need to be reminded of that.
I've been alternating between my bed and the couch and a drive into town to buy flowers. I've read nearly half of the newest Robert Galbraith 927 page novel. So, thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone in all this and that I can, every once in awhile, pull the covers over my head. Mxx3 -
Waiting to get hold of the Gailbraith novel. I can absolutely empathise with many of the comments. I don't dislike my job but really?...I can't say I care anymore. And when someone expects me to get all fired up? I quietly sputtered a few weeks ago when my line manager told me in my performance review that I need to not be so reactive - I know that he thought he was being supportive but I'm f*&%ing 57 and I quite like my reactivity. I come from a long line of reactive women and I'm good with that. Silly things. You're right @zoffiel - when did life get so bloody boring. What's the point of things when you go to work and then are too tired to do what you want. I have a secret dream of what I want life to be like - just can't afford it...oh...and the kids aren't old enough yet.1
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After my diagnosis I ended up not returning to work, and was close to retirement age anyway. So pleased I don't have to put up with all the work dynamics. Although the psychologist I saw said that work gives us purpose, and I sacked her also.
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Hey Michele,
I stopped working in July 2018. Went overseas after a serious burn out, came back and decided to take a couple months off, had panic attacks every day for about 3 months, and realised the situation was much worse than I’d realised. So there was no way I could go back to work then, and tbh I didn’t want to. I had enough of being a slave to an ungrateful company, time and again. I also got massively disappointed at work by people who were supposed to be my closest friends. So even though I loved the job, I decided not to do it anymore due to school politics and wanting my time for myself. But, it took a whole year to stop feeling guilty about not working, cos that’s how I’d been made to feel my whole life, like I was being unproductive if I wasn’t working, even though I was also a single mum. The panic attacks were in part caused by my guilt. But I persevered. I was too angry to keep giving my precious time for myself and my daughter away to unappreciative pricks. After about a year and a half, covid and my bc happened, so I still couldn’t go back, and I decided to keep my time once again to go through surgery, treatment and recovery without worrying about work as well. And quite honestly it would be hard with all my side effects. So here I am, still unemployed, but making do with what I have financially. I’m a bit bored sometimes, but otherwise very happy. I went through that limbo period also, but couldn’t find any concrete answers, so just continued to ask for guidance from the Universe. I started with my plants as I’ve mentioned previously, then also got my two kitties, plus 4 fish tanks. I already had my doggie. They all keep me very busy, and are fantastic company. I’ve always wanted lots of animals, but couldn’t have them. Now I thought, stuff that, no more excuses. I’m getting them. Plants and animals make me happy, so I’ve surrounded myself with them. Also lamps and teapots. I get most things from Marketplace cos it’s affordable that way. My partner calls my place ‘The Montanicle Gardens’ 😆. I also recently started belly dance lessons, after wanting to do it for 20 years but always finding excuses not to. It’s good exercise and I love it. Then, I have meet ups with friends that I actually enjoy. A few I’ve known for ages, and the rest are bc ladies from this forum. It’s been great. I have friends that were supposed to be close, that haven’t messaged me at all to ask ‘how are you’. So I don’t message them either. It’s disappointing, but I’m used to that from people. I’ve found that a lot of people are too self absorbed. They know you’ve had bca, but see you on social media looking ‘ok’, so that means you’re fine and not worthy of their attention. Or, you appearing fine doesn’t suit them anymore, cos why should you look like you’re doing well despite having had bca, while their life is still a mess?? I don’t know anymore. But I’ve decided that being annoyed or sad about losing friends is a waste of time. I simply outgrew them. There’s better friends to be met and made 😊.
So all these things I mentioned above are things that I love and always have, but denied myself for whatever reason. I’m not denying them myself anymore if I can help it. So to answer the question ‘who am I’ and ‘what do I do now’, I don’t really have a great answer, except that who I am doesn’t have to be defined. I’m constantly changing and outgrowing things, so I’m constantly discovering myself, or new parts of me. And this is actually more exciting now than scary. The second one is, does what I want to do next make me happy and excited? No? Then I’m not doing it, unless absolutely necessary. If yes, no matter how small or insignificant it seems, I’ll do it. That’s what I discovered. Small things can bring me so much joy. My fish tanks, with the effort I put in to create them (proving I’m not uncreative as I previously thought 😄) are absolutely beautiful, and I love watching the fishing swim around. It’s very calming and soothing. I’ve tried meditating before cos I need it, but it was hard and boring. Watching my fish is actual meditation that I enjoy, as I’ve found out. So they fulfil my love for animals, water and meditation. Never would have guessed that before.So this is me now. I’m a child again, unemployed and doing things I love, and NOT FEELING GUILTY. I have to emphasise that. For too long I’ve felt I don’t deserve good things or to have fun, for whatever reason. I’ve finally convinced myself that I do in fact deserve good things, fun and time for myself. My time is too precious. It can’t be bought anymore by cheap companies and people.So, as it’s past midnight and I’ve written my essay for the night, I’ll sign off now with a good night, I hope you’re sleeping well, have a better day tomorrow, and hope things improve for you soon 😊😘.M Xx7 -
Retirement in a small house that I can escape to by myself, with a dog and a cat and the sea nearby. Volunteer work if I want it and easy walking everywhere.5
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I think everyone finds their own way even if it might be a bit rocky at first. Work provided a great deal of purpose for me during active treatment, I was very happy to be able to work ( not everyone can even if they wish) and it kept me occupied at something I cared about so I didn’t dwell on bc too much. I had the opportunity to take on a new work challenge after 12 months - perfect timing! A four day week and a lot to explore gave me a better work life balance and a fresh start with some clearer thinking. I retired, as planned, last year at 75. COVID has affected my volunteering a bit but gradually getting to a new normal in this new world too. Only regret is overseas travel is off the agenda for a while!0
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I agree @Afraser. We just need something we love to occupy our time and distract us. Whether it’s work or hobbies, that’s up to the individual. I would love to work again, but in my case I couldn’t go back to my old job, cos it nearly broke me. And I can’t find anything else rewarding that I love, not yet anyway. But if I could, I definitely would. You said the key words though: better work life balance, fresh start, 4 work day week. These seemingly small things can improve our lives sooo much, and help in not making us feel like slaves at work. Unfortunately not everyone can find it, but I think we should fight for these things more. I’m happy at least it worked out for you, it gives hope 👌🏻🙂1
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Wow, this is a really awesome discussion. Noone has to explain but sometimes it helps to have someone to explain to. Maybe it only makes half sense to them but its freeing to share without having to filter. Everyone has ups and downs. Some of us are a bit wonky after treatment, some of us are still in treatment and in that particular version of wonky, some of us have been iut of treatment a while (and boy can we benefit from their experiences).3
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It is very freeing to share without having to filter 👌🏻👌🏻. It’s also refreshing to see we’re not alone in our wonkiness. That’s why this forum and psychologists, as I’ve discovered, are so good 😊2
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I agree that not everyone can work whilst having active treatment, We just have to be kind to ourselves and find what brings us purpose. I was doing volunteer work as well as paid work at the time I was diagnosed, and I hope to find suitable volunteer work again. However being a bit of a homebody I am rather content not being out in the rat race.
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