No comfort

MicheleR

I dont know why im writing this other than i need to express it and i cant think where else.

Before bc i used to talk about stuff i was gunna do but i never seemed to get around to it. I had a life coach for 7 years and never completed goals just recuced my confusion and stress around events. Now i have to do stuff. This can be exercise, relationship, work and.anything in between.  I cant find any comfort in things that used to give comfort. People dont understand and who would i tell. When i feel like i have a problem i cant talk about it with anyone because who would get it. Its like i have to deal with everything and i cant slack off, procrastinate or do a half job. My care factor for some stuff is much lower. Do work, completely switch off and wont work an hour over. Any constructive critiscm, dont care, whatever. Move along. I have this feeling of wanting to connect more deeply but realised that at work not right place. Even friends cant share some thoughts. Family, stuff to do there but cant explain my stuff really. 

Anyone get it?

FLClover

I could be wrong Michele, but it sounds to me like you’re going through a major shift. Which, tbh, is not at all surprising after having smth like bca. I started going through a shift before my diagnosis, but bca kicked and hurtled me through it much faster. I feel like I’ve been through the East Australian Current in Finding Nemo, when Marlin and Dory were swimming somewhat peacefully along it, then got flung and spun out unexpectedly by Crush. Only mine wasn’t fun like theirs. And ca is not cool like Crush. I think the illusion of the system gets destroyed, and we realise things we thought were important, that we were fighting so hard for before and which nearly ruined us, are actually not that important at all. And so we find ourselves in limbo, looking for something more meaningful, but it’s hard to figure out what and others can’t understand this need. So once again we can find ourselves feeling a bit isolated, not knowing which direction to take. Exercise, hobbies, walks etc are all very good, but are also in part distractions from the elephant in the room. 

I could have just confused you even more. I hope not. Write again with a more specific example if ive completely missed the point 😆😘

Afraser

There’s sometimes occasions when talking to a complete stranger really helps. A counsellor or psychologist specialises in getting you to answer your own questions. Many of us go through a ‘does anything matter and if so, why?’ phase when faced with a disease that might kill us. And if you weren’t sure about your direction in life before bc (like many of us again), it’s no surprise that you are no more certain now. Your oncologist or GP should be able to assist with a referral. We work so hard on the bodily side of bc but the mental and emotional side is really important and often overlooked. Best wishes.

MicheleR

@FLClover,

No think you got it perfectly. Thanks.

Its like ive outgrown everything. This week has been really hard for lots of serious reasons. I felt distressed not to have any comfort for the barrage of things i have to deal with. 

I ended up taking a sleeping pill cause i wasnt going to be able the think my way out of it last night. 

What did you do? At work i got asked to not do something. Not a big deal, wasnt a personal thing and i was like sure. But the reason given us that wasnt bosses style and i just thought after im sick of people trying to make me them however well intentioned. 

I got told with a child not to help child with other family relationships. I admitted something ive been holding in and it didnt feel good. Scary. 

Im talking to friends but unable to go deeper as too personal and wouldnt get it. I ferl isolated exactly.

Anyway..thanks. 

Cath62

Hi @Michelle_R,

It sure is life changing for us isn't it. So much comes up for us to rethink our life with our bc. Every thing is challenged, questioned and what was important is no longer. It can be hard to gain peace with it all. I was so intense at work.

I pushed myself hard as a high achiever for various reasons but mainly to provide for myself and my son. I had lots big health issues and was a sole parent for 20 yrs.  Was i wrong to push myself so hard?  Maybe but it happened and then I got bc. 

It has changed my life and attitude and I am ok with that. For me I find staying in the present moment the best way for me to live, find peace and joy. I have to practice mindfulness, mediation and exercise to help myself but that's what works for me. I did get some counselling too and it was helpful. I am a bit of a fan of Patrea King Quest for Life. She has a Facebook pages and there are plenty videos for relaxation and meditation. She has a couple books too. I read one called Your Life Matters and it resonated for me. 

I hope you find that peace

iserbrown

@MicheleR

You sound like there's a disconnect in your life at present.   
Yes diagnosis and treatment is front and centre and not all in your everyday can relate.
I agree with @Afraser an appointment with a Counsellor may help.
In the meantime you commented you had a Life Coach.  Can you draw on any coping mechanisms you may have gained 
Is your working environment right for you?  Do you need a change?  
Perhaps write yourself a list of pros and cons as you try and find peace within
Best wishes 
Take care 

MicheleR

Hi @iserbrown,

I think it is really too early to tell some stuff.

 For example i went back to work part time to see what i thought about it. I dont currently see it as lack of passion or drive but more work is in the place it should be. The culture of my workplace is another thing. I work in a male dominated probably old style environment and i knew even before bc that it wasnt a 100% good fit. I just dont know if current me really finds it a problem. I do work, they pay me and in between i dont really think much about it. This is very different to old me who worked 50+ hours a week,  felt responsible for everything and wanted to do well. 

There are some kid things going on and change is needed. Its causing me stress because old roles may not fit but they are still hard to shake off.

Im just not really sure who i am right now.

I may reach out to my life coach as i trust her. But although she is aware of my journey im not even sure she fits in the same context. One thing she taught me is that emotions are mostly fleeting. They wash over you. If you sit with them eventually they move into other things. Its the uncomfortableness of those emotions which is unsettling and can provoke activity which may or maynot be helpful. 

One thing that is on my mind is do i still relate to any of my old friends and does it matter? What do i do if the answer isnt the easy path? What about family members? 

Nothing really solvable today...

Halla

I think the physical exhaustion and treatment make us a lot less resilient to criticism. I find myself often thinking “gimme a break 🙄,  is now really the time to put that extra pressure on me, I’ve got bc!!”  Maybe it’s a good thing because before I would brush whatever it was off, or take it in, or think whatever it was was my fault. At the moment I get upset, retreat, then think fck that,  I need to look after me right now,  let them make their demands, I’m only going to do what I know I can right now. 

I ended up in tears the other day because my 85 year old dad and his partner came to visit me for the first time since my diagnosis, and all they did was needle needle needle me. I didn’t realise that at the time,  but I was really upset,  didn’t really know why. I am starting to figure out that, I’m a 52 year old adult, I need get over what my father and his girlfriend think! I’m doing the best I can and I’m every other sphere I’m a successful and capable woman. Let them judge who cares?!

MicheleR

Oh @Halla,

Totally get this. I experienced this. Im sure others do to. People dont react the way we think they should. In 9 months of treatment my brother rang me once and visited once. I saw him occassionally at family events and i was hurt that something so big for me had so little weight to him and he just carried on as if nothing was different. I dont think he even noticed my distress. 

I dont think age comes into emotions and values and expectations.

This is a big experience. 

I just worried about getting well during treatment and let other things slide. There are a hundred emotions i experienced intensely. It was a relief in some ways when i did this. But...

I had to reenter my life at some point.

Halla

Right, I seeee, yes.... life goes on...things need to change but where to start? How to get the perspective you need? 

I’m hoping a beach holiday at the end of radiation might give me some...

and definitely counselling...got my mental health care plan from the doc yesterday ...

sometimes I wish I was religious... I wouldn’t even know how to be but as Esther perele says , a lot of contemporary humans have been left with a god shaped hole they have no idea how to fill

MicheleR

Yes i was thinking religion last night -maybe thats the answer - doh...

Afraser

I saw a counsellor for three months because ‘I wasn’t sure who I am’. A survivor? Still a bit of an invalid? Should I keep doing the same things? Should I change things? And if so, how? 

In the end, I changed very few things immediately but what I did change mattered. I still use the thinking my counsellor taught me because it wasn’t rocket science, just stuff I didn’t want to address! The time to do so varies with every individual. 

FLClover

@Halla I like Esther Perel, I follow her on IG. I haven’t heard that statement though, although it makes a lot of sense. I was raised Orthodox but pretty young realised it didn’t make sense. Then became an atheist but didn’t like that. Neither one seemed right. Then I discovered the spiritual way of thinking, or similar anyway. So now I believe in the Universe, or The Great Divine, which is an energy sourced from love, that lives within each of us. It gives you guidance to get what you ask for, as long as it’s for everyone’s higher good. 

FLClover

I’m glad I didn’t miss the point Michele 😄. So, reading through your other comments in this post, it’s kind of clear what’s troubling you. I agree with above comments about seeing a psychologist if you haven’t already. It’s very beneficial and cathartic, just make sure you’re suited. 

In the meantime, let me know if you want to do a video chat, cos it’s too hard to write these things down 💟.

Locksley

@Michelle_R this is such a great space we can raise things that worry us.  So wonderful we have this connection.   @FLClover I love your vision of marlin and dory I think that is perfect.  I can relate to that feeling. 

AllyJay

I've always found writing stuff down to be extremely cathartic. I call the ink "black blood" where I can reduce the very worst pain into mere splotches of black onto a piece of paper. I've written many a letter(never posted) to people who've almost destroyed me in the past and found it very healing. Also to write about the good things...to remember things by. I had a very bad experience over a number of years of so-called professionals which has somewhat tarnished my view of them, but I'm sure there are many professional listeners out there who will not think that the solution is to either fry your brain, or pickle it with psychotropic drugs. You can always speak here...we all get it.