Mum recently diagnosed

arpie

Terrific, @Formymum19 that your mum is coping so well with the treatment.  Yes, we have many mets members who have passed the 10 year mark since their mets diagnosis - so just getting on with treatment and living for the moment is the way to go I reckon.  Making good memories with the whole family - so a lovely birthday 'do' will give her a lift.

Take care & big hugs to you and your mum xx

kmakm

Have you checked out The Otis Foundation for a trip? They have some amazing free properties.

I'm glad your mum is doing well. Long may it continue! K xox

Dory65

Hi Formymum19
You are handling this so maturely. I lost my mum to BC in 2001 when she was 72 and I was in my mid 30s. My whole family seemed to be in denial and frozen with fear at the same time. I have a lot of regrets. There was no internet support, no support of any kind, really. Things these days seem remarkably different, I'm glad to say. Good luck. Hugs to you and Mum xxx

arpie

Sorry to hear that @Dory65.   

Formymum19

@Dory65 I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know how i will handle mum not being here any more, i know it could be years but i know its coming eventually. All my life i knew the day would come where my mum would grow old and possibly ill. 

I always thought that i would be more prepared. But you're never prepared for something like this. 

I'm just happy shes well for now. I know there will be ups and downs. I'm glad for the most part shes realistic about her diagnosis. 

I must have clicked the quote button and i dont know how to change it 🤣

Giovanna_BCNA

Hello @Formymum19 no problems, I can delete the post if you would like me to.

Dory65

Thanks Formymum19,
You are right. Living with mets long term is possible given our excellent health services, and there is every reason to stay positive. 'Mindfulness' / being present relaxation strategies really do work. I am not very good at it, but I enjoy yoga classes. I can just follow instructions with no responsibilities for an hour. Eating well and exercising makes a huge difference to overall wellbeing and resilience, and improves sleep, I have found. I also gave up alcohol when I was diagnosed last October because it acts as a depressant in me. I think I miss my wine, beer and guiness even more than the chips and chocolate!

Formymum19

My mum eats mostly a plant based diet due to meat and dairy making her feel ill, she still loves a chocolate here and there. Shes never been much of a drinker so thats not an issue, she is a smoker and i highly doubt she will give up now she's got this diagnosis. 

We have discussed doing some yoga together at home which i think will be great for her. 

Thankyou so much to @kmakm for the info about the Otis foundation. I'd never heard of it and i will definitely mention it to her, i suspect she will be too proud to want to use it though. But i will discuss with her, I've been trying to convince her to take a holiday for a really long time and i think she could really use one. I don't think shes been on a trip anywhere for at least 10 years. 

kmakm

Oh gosh! Pride getting in the way of accepting help, accepting beautiful gifts, is such a wasted emotion. Your poor mum. I hope you can convince her that there's no shame. K xox

Brenda5

If your mum is still smoking it is quite possible she is using it as a stress relief against depression. The breast cancer alone is enough to bring on depression. Ask the oncologist if they have a resident psychologist available. It may help your mum to understand why she is smoking and put in place some different mechanisms to cope with stress.
I did ask for one but it was after I had finished chemo and my GP said I no longer qualified to see the cancer psychologist. I gave that GP the flick and got a new GP who I only discovered yesterday is a psychologist as well. I might finally get the help I need and stop smoking too.

Formymum19

Hi everyone, i just wanted to pop in and give an update. 

Mum recently saw the oncologist and he is really happy with her cancer at the moment. He said the met in her spine is stable, her lung mets are a little smaller and her breast tumour is shrinking slowly. 

I'm sorry i forgot to respond to the last post in regards to my mum smoking, shes been smoking since she was 17 and won't give up now. 

We have discussed taking a holiday interstate (perhaps next year) when restrictions lift. Shes hesitant to plan anything due to her diagnosis, she's convinced she will die at any moment, despite the oncologist telling her that shes stable. 

I think that maybe it depends on her attitude on the day, kinda thing.

I have suggested mum see a psychologist to discuss her situation etc but shes very stubborn and is the way she is and i can't force her to do anything, despite how frustrating it can be, i just want her to be her best, happiest self. 

I hope you all are staying safe and healthy x 

iserbrown

Oh it's hard yards!
Just keep your Mum calm and let her know she's loved. It's the little things that count like spoiling her with her favourite food or some flowers or....any little thing that makes her smile.
As to a holiday that's a wonderful idea.  My Dad was unwell and my sisters convinced him to go on the holiday.  His view was he might die whilst he's away and the girls said that's alright we'll deal with it if it happens as long as you enjoy the holiday.  He had a blast and passed away a few weeks after the holiday.  It is what it is!
As you say the Onc says she's stable so hopefully her treatment gives her many many years to come and the opportunity for you all to make happy memories. 
Best wishes 
Take care

ddon

I am glad your mum is doing well. I just wanted to say that I understand her reluctance to plan ahead, especially for things a year away. This is difficult to grasp when you haven’t experienced a cancer diagnosis but for me I feel like my expectation of a future has gone and I just plan for this week or maybe the next month and that’s it. I can imagine that is how your mum feels and while she may in fact live well for some years to come, the uncertainty will never leave her mind. I get tired of people saying ‘but none of us know how long we will live; any of us could die tomorrow ‘ and sure, that is true, but most  likely they won’t die tomorrow and they will happily make plans for the Christmas after next blissfully believing they will be here. 

I am not being negative, it’s just our reality. 

So, when she talks of not being here for things ahead just give her a hug and don’t brush it off with ‘of course you will be’ - she needs to be heard. 

kmakm

@ddon My BS kept saying it (no one knows how long etc) and it drove me nuts. One day I'll have to give him some feedback. I think when trying to comfort someone who is understandably shocked, upset and scared a professional gets to say it once. After that, just no.

And I agree, it's important to be heard, and not fobbed off.

I speak vaguely about the future but in my head I get to about six months of planning and then it peters out into a we'll see fuzziness. It's even harder now with the pandemic. One good by-product is that it's made me, formerly an inveterate planner, much better at living in the moment and being present.

ddon

Kmakm, I feel too that I have learnt to live in the moment and for today. In a weird way I feel my happiness factor is higher now than before bc. I feel much more loved, my kids don’t go past me without giving me a hug, my marriage is better, and I feel more that each day I feel well and able us a gift that I didn’t truly appreciate before. Mostly I push away the fear of what might be coming but as I said before, I don’t make plans too far ahead. 

Our medical team are wonderful, and they see cancer everyday, but they aren’t living it and so they really don’t understand.