I've offended my in-laws

jacquipp

You have received lots of good advice here. I just want to add that you have to think of yourself and your husband and children. This is a life changing thing that is happening to you. It effects you on so many levels and someone who has not gone through it has no idea. Sending lots of love and hugs. I hope you get through through your treatment easily. 

Cosette

Hey @Ad Lib, I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis and that you're not getting the support you need from your in-laws.  I want to let you know about a couple of resources that we have that might help.

The My Journey Kit contains information, a journal, and other helpful resources. It's free and you can order it online here or give us a call at 1800 500 258 next week (our office is closed this week) and we'll send it out to you.

This kit includes a booklet called Helping a friend or colleague with breast cancer, but if you'd like extras (maybe your husband can give one to your in-laws), you can download it here as a PDF, order it online here, or give us a call next week and we'll send it to you.

socoda

Ad lib, I'm sure that one of us on here would have the skills to make you a doll to use - a Voodoo doll!!! Get that big big pin and stick it in and twist!!!!! Satisfaction guaranteed  and then just go on with what you need to do, which is focus on you and the support you need to get through this. I actually think they are the ones who should be apologising to you but that is not likely to happen from the sounds of it. Anyhow, know we are here for you, we know where you are coming from and come here and vent, vent, vent whenever you need to. Keep us up to date with how you are going. Best wishes Xx Cath

Karenhappyquilter

So sorry to read your story.  It's hard to see why your in laws are so unsympathetic.  It's incredible that facing a cancer diagnosis and treatment you are supposed to care about and apologise for disrupting their Christmas.  Where are their priorities?  How selfish and small minded are they? You don't need this tension while facing a very tough time.  Try not to waste energy on them.  

Like many people, my personal experience has been that a couple old friends were not very sympathetic or supportive about my diagnosis or treatment.  One gave me the sense that talking about my cancer was poor form or bad manners, although her problems apparently were different and well worth discussing endlessly!  Other people were fantastically supportive.  People are so surprising, at least to me.

I suspect that cancer is a strong bright light that shows what people really are like and what your relationship with them really is.  Sounds like your in laws wanted their Christmas and their happiness to be the most important thing, not your health and emotional state.  Sounds like their lack of focus on you will continue.  That is very sad for you and your husband.  At least you know now not to expect much support from them during your treatment.  

Focus on those who love you and support you.  Try and rise above the pain of rejection.  I personally found that really hard to do.  Your relationship with them may never be the same as before your diagnosis as a result of this.  That has been my experience.  It's impossible to completely forgive a person who you thought would be there for you but who isn't.  

Once you start treatment you are given steroids, and as a result you won't be so forgiving and appeasing either.  During chemo I regularly called out bullying from my abusive father.  Didn't stop him entirely but it was satisfying anyway.

Wishing you the the very best of luck with your treatment.  Karen 

melclarity

I think everyone can agree, this journey will really set all the people in your life apart. Some will surprise you in a bad way and others in a good way. I lost lifelong friends, but it created a space for more genuine people to step up and they did. Life is interesting!!  I do think communication is everything, if youve apologized and its not enough, so be it. All you have is your honesty and being completely open and genuine. It really sounds more like they felt shut out, not so much about Christmas. Thing is, majority of things are never intentional, and you certainly werent either. Hope it resolves, hugs xo Melinda

Zoffiel

If you are on the verge of exploding, my advice is do it. You're project managing this whole show; it's up to you to decide who calls the shots. Now, I know that response may not be to everyone's liking, but if you let these people dictate terms to you at this point, they will do it all the time. If that suits you, fine, but if it doesn't put a stop to it now.

If you don't actually bite them, at least tell them firmly that you will get back to them. When is suits you. If they are the sort to white-ant you for it you may bear in mind that they would be likely to undermine you whatever you do so stop trying to please them. If they are decent people who are just a bit miffed, it's their job to get over it not yours.

iserbrown

So true - your husband needs to be the gatekeeper now as you don't need negativity around you

InkPetal

I have sage words


Go explode and tell them all where to go

You're a better woman than I.

cranky_granny

to Ad Lib
All I can say is, those that really care will come around to help, the selfish ones will drop away.. One of my children wanted to do the bury the head in the sand with " this is nobody else needs to know our business"  but now she is accepting that its not something to run and hide from and hopefully she will now take on a different attitude to her own health who knows.  But when each person has found out I have directed them to BCNA to have a read so that they can get a better understanding even sent some links to the site.
Take care of yourself and your family its time to be picky about whats best for you and your family.  I have found in this short time just what help I need and will need and also what I need to keep doing for myself, these will probably change as I progress into the Journey as its not always so straight forward and there might be twists and turns  and its not the same for everyone
All the best on your Journey this site is great for advise, venting and just reading through getting strength form others and ideas, I've read quiet a few and tried the ones I have been comfortable with.

Share

Hi there @Ad Lib,

Just thought I would check to see how your first week or so of 2017 has been - Happy New Year should be about new beginnings and I hope that the relationship between your in-laws and your own family (i.e. hubby and your 2 little girls) is one that is improving but more importantly less of a focus for you.

I agree with the other ladies that a bc diagnosis is not easy for anybody and other people's reactions are so unpredictable. The way that I have built some resilience is by a new mantra - "Please don't make your problems, my problems".

Love the idea about writing a good old fashioned letter just like @TonyaM suggested. Social media can sometimes not feel as though it is so "personalised" and perhaps your in-laws don't use it or would prefer correspondence "the old fashioned way".

Ultimately, your husband will need the support from his family so he is better able to support your family. He will need a good sounding board and as you said his sisters' husband is an oncologist - there should be some level of understanding here. What is your husband's relationship like with his brother-in-law ? Perhaps he could have a chat with him - both in a personal and professional capacity.

I have many a great story about my bc diagnosis and my in-laws - during chemo my mother-in-law commented to me "I will feel better when your eyebrows grow back ! " and also my brother-in-law who had a newborn asked if I would be a danger to his newborn son as I might be toxic from the chemotherapy ! Oh yes, these things stick and are very hard to forget.  

I totally get where you are coming from - I was in my mid-30's when I was diagnosed and had a 5 & 2 year old. Your focus needs to be on your health, your husband and children.  

My very best wishes to you and your family.

Sheryl xx

brightspace

All the best for moving foreward shape your days in good ways be kind to yourself  

Ad Lib

Thanks everyone! The situation hasn't improved at all except for the fact that I am no longer losing sleep over it. My brother in law (the Radiation Oncologist) told us not to contact the family again. He basically said not calling at Christmas is a deal-breaker and cancer is no excuse. I assume, since he deals with cancer every day, he is just desensitised. He's not going to be supportive to me on my journey so I don't need him in my life. I've moved on.

BUT I'm now really worried about my husband. I know I have heaps of people to support me but who is going to support him? He has a very demanding job and he's going to have a very stressful year ahead of him and his family have disowned him. He's not the type to open up when something is bothering him and he won't actively seek counselling but I think he will need it. Can any of you suggest support groups or resources out there for men supporting wives through bc?

Zoffiel

Goodness me, I'm glad he isn't my oncologist. On second thoughts, I almost wish he was--so I could sack him!

My partner is also a bit isolated; he doesn't live with me but is worrying himself sick over my situation. I've worded up a couple of my mates and they've started giving him a call during the week or inviting him out to the pub for a beer on a Saturday afternoon even though I'm too crook to go. I think it's doing him some good--it's making him feel like part of a larger group and  he's realising that I'm not on my own and that there are people apart from him who will do some of the heavy lifting if required. I'm lucky to have some fantastic people in my life and together they are propping each other up. There is absolutely no way that he would go to a support group or a counsellor so I'm doing it by stealth.

Afraser

Stealth sounds like a very good idea. Many intelligent and lovely men (my partner for one!) have quite limited means of letting off steam or sharing their fears, about a lot of things. I have to confess that a support group wasn't entirely appealing to me but individual counselling was really useful to me for a relatively short difficult period during treatment and my partner did give it some house room when he required treatment after surgery a few years later. But letting a few mates know that keeping him to a night out occasionally or something similar, may work well. 

iserbrown

Well what a nong!
When I was diagnosed through Breastscreen they had put us with a Counsellor. Her advice was to surround ourselves with positive people. Keep the negativity out
That's what you've done here! People never cease to amaze. I lost a girlfriend as it was all about her yet she'd never had BC and I was expected to do it her way without consideration for me.
Have you ordered your free My Journey kit - order through BCNA online. There is booklets within to help partners and families.
Check the BCNA site for resources near your area.
By stealth is a great suggestion.
Take care