Bad day
Aussie Oi
Member Posts: 6 ✭
Really having a rough time of it lately. I thought I was coping really well after my single mastectomy on 27 July, but it's like the shock, anger and despair have really only just kicked in. I find myself teary nearly every day. I hate looking at myself in the mirror, clothed or naked, and I can't bear for my partner to see me naked. Now I always sleep with a t-shirt on (never used to) and most nights I silently cry myself to sleep. I'm over the hot flushes and the joint pain associated with Tamoxifen and don't know how the hell I'm going to cope taking this stuff for at least the next 5 years!! My 'normal' has gone and I don't know where or when my 'new normal' will begin......how can a new normal begin when I can't stand the new me? Everything really hit home when my partner said.....'she lost the best part of her femininity' 
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It's not easy adjusting to all tje changes and accepting what new normal is. Menopause isn't easy without it being brought on suddenly like with tamoxifen. It changes how you feel, impacts on your sleep and kills the libido. Never mind adding the cancer fears to it. But things will improve.
As to accepting having one breast...do you have to?. Have you considered reconstruction? . Whilst it will never replace the breast you lost it may well make you feel more comfortable in your own skin. I had a bilateral mastectomy with implant reconstruction...it's not complete yet...but I do feel comfortable with my new breasts and how they look. I am just unhappy with all the weight I gained on chemo...but working on that. I think that the new promotion of promoting scars help women who don't want reconstruction, but it can make those that do feel weak for wanting it. We are not. It's just a different journey but just as traumatic.
Meanwhile perhaps it's time to look at some pretty lingerie. The link I have added have some nice camisoles that you could put in a soft form and wear to bed.
http://www.erilan.com.au/collections/mastectomy-bras-underwear?page=15
It will all take time. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. Do you have a breast care nurse? Might be a good time for a chat also.
Take care. Kath x2 -
Hi Kath. Thank you for your advice. I was told that I would have to wait at least 12 months before the reconstruction process would begin. Just seems so far away
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Yes it does. I'm glad you are looking at that. Meantime it's time to treat yourself with something that makes you feel feminine again. You are worth it. If you live in a big city you may be able to go in and look at things also. I cried many nights and sometimes still do about my loss..of my old self. But it does get better. It just takes time and you know what...tears are fine. X1
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Hello - goodness you really have got yourself down in the dumps, understandably! Welcome to the world of the lopsided woman, the one that feels insecure, feels like everyone is staring at her, and they're not! Please don't make yourself feel bad for feeling like you do, it is ok! We tend to reflect and think what the, how did this happen but eventually we come to an acceptance and look for that new kind of normal.
I've had a left breast mastectomy and I made sure that my husband saw the injury straight away and in time encouraged him to rub in the moisturiser (finally settled on QV cream) into the breast - now I'm better I've decided that is my job not his! It is all part of the acceptance process for both of you. My journey was immediate reconstruction and changeover surgery was 5 months after mastectomy. We are all different in how our bodies react and the treatments that we're all on.
Menopause - not sure who invented it but it can be testing! As Kath had suggested perhaps a natter with your breast care nurse or your local GP will help - maybe you need a supplement to help you through or in a discussion thread recently we all agreed that putting your leg out of bed and singing the hokey pokey helps! Yes I'm on Tamoxifen for 10 years although the Oncologist did suggest he would review that at the 2 year mark and perhaps put me on Arimidex! Side effects are the normal you just need to find a way to cope, sometimes a little thing like changing the time of day you take the Tamoxifen can help!
Not sure where you are, Victoria or interstate. There are lots of good groups out there where you can meet with like minded people as well as us here on the forum that will help you through and let you cry or laugh or anything in between without judgment. http://www.thinkpink.org.au/ or http://breacan.org.au/
Breacan has a navigator that you can download on your phone and that will help you as well as - they are all free organisations. Breacan also offer Reflexology, you may find that will help!
Take care and sending you a virtual hug from Christine xx2 -
It's tough, your reactions are perfectly normal. I think your partner is right, breasts are an important part of our femininity - but not of being female, or a woman or a beautiful woman. Dainty, sweet spoken, pretty are all part of a feminine picture. Nice if you have it, not a real problem if you don't and not much good at all on their own. Others have given you good advice about reconstruction - we all remember thinking 12 months was a life sentence, interminable. But many of us have kept cancer at bay long enough to know time does pass and things change. It's natural and good to mourn the loss of a part of ourselves, just remember that mourning is a path to a new reality, not a destination in itself. Take heart, things will get better.1
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Hey!
Well I must admit, after a recurrence and facing a mastectomy early next year, I completely understand how you are feeling. It seems like things have happened quickly for you? that you havent had a chance to get your head around anything? I can honestly say, I too look in the mirror and I no longer recognise who I am anymore, Ive put on 5kg thanks to Chemo and thrown into menopause. Short hair. Physically am in pain most days and struggle to walk let alone work 3 days a week. The hardest part of this journey for me and its been since 2011 with a recurrence in 2015, is facing a mastectomy. It is such an individual and personal thing, for me, Im emotional about it, as I feel this is a huge part of my femininity. But you know what Ive realized too??? as much as I love my boobs and I have to say that as I always have LOL. They don't define me as my long blonde hair didnt either. I am left grieving the loss of everything that I was.... BUT I now have a chance to redefine myself. It is damn hard every step absolutely...but it starts with the grieving of the loss of the journey and most importantly through all of those emotions no matter how bad, loving yourself even more. That is soo hard to do, but its how I started to look at myself 9 months post chemo now. So I urge you to find those little things that make you feel good in your soul, the moments you feel feminine. Nurture is so key and a day at a time.
We all get it i think thats whats so great about being here, is sharing our journeys, our triumphs and especially our heartaches and pain...
Im blessed to have a partner who I only met a few months prior to my last diagnosis so going through all of this with someone new was incredibly hard on so many levels, my children were amazing too. He could careless of me losing my breast, Im having a Diep Flap reconstruction done. He says it doesnt define me....and I know it doesnt...but it matters to me. So its not about them or anyone else, its about you and its about allowing yourself to feel the extreme lows knowing its normal and all part of it and slowly moving forward one foot in front of the other and discovering this new woman you are becoming forever changed through the cirumstances.
The biggest of hugs to you. Melinda xoxo1 -
So sorry you feel bad. I had a wide area section, not a mastectomy but still, now I am through chemo and radiation and on tamoxifen I can also feel angry and sad. My oncologist said when I was going through treatment I couldn't think well because it was hard treatment. Now it's over and I am starting to feel a bit better, I have to mourn what I lost with getting cancer.
I don't know if it will help but I think of myself as a brave warrior woman with my scarred breast. I know it's different for a mastectomy but I have a strong feeling I am more a woman than before because I have had to be brave to endure this horrible treatment. Anyone who thought woman were delicate little flowers obviously hasn't experienced periods, child birth and breast feeding, let alone treatment for breast cancer. I am not rage when it comes to dangerous things like bunny jumping, yet I coped with cancer treatment (just) and I feel this is very female.
Good or luck and best wishes Karen1 -
OMG, I can't believe what your partner said, but then again I can, because I have the same thing said to me by my partner. I hear where you are coming from, I am in the same place at the moment, Hating myself, hating what my life has become, hating how I am handling this. I basically feel like having breast cancer has ruined me.
These feelings are all normal I have been told. And don't let anyone tell you what you should be thinking and feeling. I am also having a hard time dealing with everyone telling me how strong I am and that I must remain strong if I am to get through this. But how can one remain strong when the joint pain and muscle pain is so bad. I,m having the hot flushes and the pain all over and haven't even started on the Tamoxifen. I am flatly refusing to take it because of the symptoms I am having since being pushed through menopause thanks to Chemo. I too am crying most days since the joint and muscle pain decided to take over my body about a month ago. It makes me agitated, angry, frustrated and irritable, man I don't even want to be around me.
I am praying this will all be over soon and my life will be back to normal somehow. I pray the same for you and every other woman that is feeling this way.
All I can say is hang in there, even though I know it is so trying some days. I feel like just giving up but I think of my kids and my pets, they need me.
I wish there was some way some of us on this site could me up and just talk. I feel so alone sometimes and don't want to burden my husband and friends with my problems. Not sure if you feel the same way.1 -
When my partner said he could careless about my breast..I meant that in a wonderful fantastic way LOL, he doesnt see that as any definition of who I am at all. So in his mind he thinks get rid of it for peace of mind and move forward. He has a gorgeous way of looking at life and I feel so incredibly loved and blessed. I think his culture makes him this way as he is from the Cook Islands...something more exotic hahahaha! Sorry bout that!
Ok so yes the pain omg is full on, how far from chemo are you?? Im 9 months and I have to say to you, it is actually improving the pain isnt as bad. The other thing is too, I am on Arimidex and side effects are sadly joint pain. My Oncologist explained to me how the treatment all goes together, depending on your diagnosis of course. But the medication at the end of treatment and generally for 5yrs is like putting a bolt on the door once they have gotten rid of cancer you see? I honestly had zero side effects on Tamoxifen, I honestly didn't. I have more on Arimidex but I dont give in to it. Somedays sure are damn hard so I take a day at a time.
I also dont care to hear 'stay strong' or omg you are 'so strong' The fact is every person is different and handles life differently, whether you are insanely positive all the time or not is completely irrelevant. A psychologist at my rehab said, the point is, its not about positivity, its about allowing the individual to handle this situation the way theyve handled all their life situations. She explained pretending to be positive all the time isnt natural and yet people expect that?? they dont allow you to be sad or down but tell you to be grateful? hmmm and I say...walk in my shoes! there are days more so now I am grateful. Please believe me things do get better and they do improve and Ive been through the depths of hell to here and its not over yet but Im getting there. As for back to normal...Ive realized that doesnt happen, its a new normal, so I look at it like a project now of how Im going to redefine myself this new improved version of what I was and you know why?? because I found myself through this and found a way to finally sit with me all my flaws and all the wonderful things about me too...and found so much love for me that I never had before...finally I am important, instead of last. Uuugh so hang in there!!! Hugs Melinda xo1 -
For crying out loud (excuse the pun) you need time to adjust. July to now is next to nothing, it takes quite a while to adjust but little bit by little bit you do you know. I sleep in a singlet or tshirt too but then I have young 20 something sons who come upstairs during the night sometimes and I would probably make their eyes pop out if I was naked sneaking off to the loo lol. Don't worry too much about hubby. I mean if he was single he probably wouldn't be getting any anyway. At least a bit of a cuddle is soothing to both of you. MORE cuddles needed.
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Our boobs are a part of us but do not define who we are. We all come in different shapes and sizes and what really counts is what is in your heart.. I think I'm one of the lucky ones as my husband has been so supportive.Yes I have had reconstruction but I'm on arimidex and that is another issue. One day at a time, scars fade I remember crying when I looked at my scars, but now I look at them and think I'm here and these scars prove the long hard trip I have been on.
Hang in therexxx0
