Where did my gratitude go? I swear I left it right here somewhere...
can anyone relate to that feeling of getting through a bloody battle of all the treatment, the horror, the fight, and then that awesome feeling of sheer happy gratitude after it’s over? and you wanted to grab everyone and hug them and swore you’d never let a single second go by without being thrilled to be alive and not sick? and you were going to live an amazing productive love filled life embracing everything because you knew how fragile life can be? yeah. I’ve lost that. I’m depressed and wondering where the F_@&! did all of my pure gratitude and excitement go? I’m so angry at myself for being like this after fighting so hard to make it through. Has as anyone else found they just don’t have that spirit of gladness in everyday life anymore, that cancer stripped away your spark and you’ll never get it back and care about anything ever again?
Returning to work
I went into work today to give them another certificate for a month off work. I finished chemo 3 weeks ago and was expecting to be able to return this week but am struggling with the fatigue. I have good days then have really bad days. The trouble is I feel a bit unsupported. My Dr thinks it is all just about mental health so is sending me to a psychologist...despite an average result in mood measuring (and this was just after gene testing). My boss even though is trying to act supportive I just feel isn't. They just don't get it. Chemo over so what's the issue? I've worked myself to breaking point in the past...and I will not do that again ever. But the guilt of looking after me is compounded by my thoughts peope just think I am making it up. Well I am guessing this of course. Why don't people get it? The problem is ...well..I am not dreadfully thin...in fact gained lots of weight on chemo...so don't look sick. I wore makeup throughout treatment so always had a healthy glow. I guess it's like a hidden disability. Talking about it just makes you sound like a whinger. I've even posted fatigue links after chemo on facebook but it doesn't seemed to have helped. Anyone have any suggestions for improving fatigue and having others understand. I am attempting exercise at least every 2nd day. Hoping to get to daily soon. Thanks Kath
Post-active treatment fatigue
I treated myself to a sleeping pill last night, went to bed early (for me), didn't have to get up for anything this morning, and so had 10 hours sleep. Woke up three times, but nonetheless it was fab. At 1.30pm I went to an opening day of a new yoga centre that focuses on healing, and particularly healing from trauma. They also have pilates, individual meditation rooms, and a super dooper massage chair. It was very impressive. I did a half hour yoga class which was challenging but not excessively so. After a bit of wandering about afterwards I started to feel incredibly fatigued. I dragged myself to the supermarket and home. Fortunately my husband was cooking dinner. After hanging up a load of laundry I sat down until dinner. I could barely manage to stay upright at the table and I've excused myself to lie down in bed. I don't consider that I've had a particularly bad time with fatigue. Active treatment finished 15 months ago and it hasn't dogged me too much. However this is something else. It's like being back on chemo again! Is this normal? Normal to be so fatigued over a year later? Just wondering!
Sleep
"We know that as many as 6 in 10 cancer survivors have problems of insomnia, which is up to three times the rate found in the general population." @SoldierCrab pointed out the Survivorship Center and I found this leaflet in their resources: Can-Sleep making night time sleep problems go away from the Peter MacCallum Cancer Center. It's got a lot of very straight forward information as a starting point, but I want to hear what you've found that has helped you, and how you have handled 'the vicious cycle of sleep deprivation' if you've experienced it. I have felt fatigued, lethargic, and overall exhausted since it all started, and when it all finished (in that it-never-finishes way) I was left feeling not much better. I spent an entire year spending days and sometimes weeks as hit by fog, poor memory, physical weakness, and even nausea as hard as if treatment was starting again. For me this is a BIG issue. I'm sure I've posted and asked questions about it before, but all the conventional 'tricks' don't seem to cut it. No caffeine even eight hours before bed, exercise, cut out screen time and cut back on sugar? Done. [Tosess around for three hours and stares at the ceiling in the darkness for another hour doing the most mundane mind-calming exercises] Okay, cool, when does the sleep happen. Oh hey it's 6AM, guess I'll get up. [Fast asleep on the couch by 2, awake by 5, goes to bed at 10PM, wakes up at 3AM] This is better I guess, I'll stay awake all day and get a really good sleep tonight! [Falls asleep at 9AM] ...Damn it! What actually works?
Letrozole
Hi Ladies I have started my third month on Letrozole and I have started to ache really badly, ever so tired and the weight is piling on around my middle, even though the diet is good and I am exercising when I can but not as much as I usually do due to having an op on my foot and it is taking a long time to heal as it is very swelled. How is everyone else who takes it getting on? I came off Arimidex as that had awful side effects but now I am getting this. I still have over 4 years to take these tablets. I think I will be crazy by the end of it haha. Cheers Ady :-)Exercise during chemotherapy
I am halfway through my chemotherapy today. I have walked almost every day during treatment so far. I like walking and did it a fair bit before BC. When I was diagnosed I asked about what I could do, and was advised to eat well (a very nebulous statement with which I was NOT satisfied, and rectified soon after with visits to an excellent dietician) and exercise. I was informed that the latter had been proven to reduce side effects and fatigue. I am having TC chemo. Bloody awful, and so far, Day 3 - 5 sees me king hit with fatigue. I walk early, 1.5kms and that's me done for the day. By afternoon I can't even sit upright. However by Day 6 I've been managing 3kms and through the rest of the 21 day cycle I slowly build up to 5 - 6kms. I've been hit with a host of physical side effects, but so far they're sitting in the low to medium band of irritation. Nausea, constant low level headache, reflux, sore nail beds, itchy sore plams & soles, gritty eyes, dry nose, and a few more I can't recall now! Has anyone out there walked through their chemo? If so, how have you found it?
Chemo over, but just the beginning...
Last Friday I finished 5 months of chemo, 4 AC dose dense every two weeks then 12 weekly taxol. The last 3 weeks I only got out of bed with painkillers such was the burning in my muscles and bones. My fingernails and toenails went purple from week one and are now all just yellow horny structures dropping off bit by bit. I move like I'm on my last legs and have developed a limp. I was diagnosed and on chemo within 3 weeks. My tumours were large (35mm & 25mm), invasive, locally advanced all in my tiny little AA breast. I will have a full mastectomy within the next 30 days with a sentinel lymph node biopsy and 3 of my lymph nodes from my armpit removed. I was told I would have 2 drains plus a pump? That's 3 tubes coming out of me for several weeks. Then another little rest and 6 weeks of radiation at the hottest time of the year. Then more meds for at least the next 5 years. I feel like I've disappeared into a void and the person going thru all of this has no feelings or emotions. I hate the uncertainty and have often thought in the last 5 months that I'd be happy to die were it not for my family. 5 months of hangovers every morning with no relief in sight. Everyone around me thinks it's over and that 'soon' I will regain my strength. I don't believe that at all but put on a brave face to keep everyone comfortable. This is not living and If I'm too tired to ride my horse then my life is over. My grandchildren think I'm boring and don't want to come here anymore. There's a blowfly in my bedroom taunting me. Tuesdays were always my worst day after chemo... And I know I am better off than so many - I have a close friend who does not have long left due to oesophageal cancer. We talk about death and miracles. (I would have posted this in Tests,Treatments and Side Effects but it wouldn't let me???)
What to do to regain my strength and energy levels
I have finished my chemo, radiation and now on hormone tablets for nearly 60days. I just cannot seem to regain my energy levels and was wondering if I should be taking a supplement. I cannot do much before I am puffing and exhausted, I am doing more than when on chemo as that wiped me right out !! I am going to get blood tests to check, and I have not been doing any exercise so I am going to start a little walk every day and try to build it up. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
What is this? BC was all behind me
I have been doing really well. I mean really, really well. Diagnosed Oct 2015, surgery chemo, radiation, 12 months Herceptin all over by Dec 2016. Finally got back to work full time more than a year ago. Full steam ahead. Hot flushes - damn annoying - ever present and fluctuate in number from week to week, but so much better than before. Doing a demanding job that I love working 50 hours plus a week which I also don't mind. 32 kgs weight loss post chemo maintained. Neuropathy and osteo arthritis pain from taxol being managed. Did big OS trip which was great. Had port removed. Wasn't thinking about BC at all. It was in the past. All over. All done. Finished. So long and thanks for all the fish. Really everything was great. Then 5-6 weeks ago I started getting tired and didn't quite feel like myself. This has since turned into fatigue. Knock-me-down-wipe-me-out-have-to-sleep-right-this-very-minute type of fatigue just like back when I was doing chemo. Dragged myself around for weeks and then was sent home from work because I literally fell asleep at my desk. Totally not the new me. Had to go on reduced work hours which is hurting my pay packet. Blood tests show my billirubin levels are high but I am not jaundiced. Blood pressure 160/120. Stomach bloated but not firm. Still my GP thinks that it could all be nothing serious as sometimes liver function tests show weird things, my blood pressure has been on the high side in the past, and my BC was node negative, so we'll test again in 2 weeks. Then today the cancer psychiatrist mentioned that a lot of women similar to me who are forced into menopause by chemo often report a return of the same exhaustion they felt during treatment sometimes 2 or more years after treatment. Really??? I have never heard this. I mean I knew that the hot flushes can linger or come and go for a long time, I also heard that some women never quite return back to the way they were, but I don't think I have ever heard anyone mention their fatigue had returned after they have enjoyed a long period without it. Just wondering if this sounds right? Have others experienced a return of fatigue so long after treatment finished and after doing well for a period of time? If so, is there something that made it better or go away? I so need to get my mojo back. Any advice is appreciated. P.S. I am really careful about what I eat (good, sensible food, low-no sugar, minimal alcohol), am maintaining good gut health with diet and a probiotic, have reasonable activity given my arthritis, and tests show good iron, Vitamin D etc etc.
No energy
Diagnosed at 47 in Dec 2019 after I found a lump.My treatment consisted of lumpectomy, radiotherapy and Tamoxifen. About 3 months after starting Tamoxifen ( started April 2020 so 12 months ago ) it was like I hit a brick wall. I have little to no energy. I finished work at Christmas 2020 due to this and just do a little bit of work for my husbands business. Little as possible if I’m honest. I have tried regular exercise and still do. Doesn’t help.I started antidepressant. My mood is ok. I just have no energy. I have lost my Mojo which is frustrating. Anyone else that hasn’t had chemo feel like this? Or is it just me ?