Last Friday I finished 5 months of chemo, 4 AC dose dense every two weeks then 12 weekly taxol. The last 3 weeks I only got out of bed with painkillers such was the burning in my muscles and bones. My fingernails and toenails went purple from week one and are now all just yellow horny structures dropping off bit by bit. I move like I'm on my last legs and have developed a limp.I was diagnosed and on chemo within 3 weeks. My tumours were large (35mm & 25mm), invasive, locally advanced all in my tiny little AA breast. I will have a full mastectomy within the next 30 days with a sentinel lymph node biopsy and 3 of my lymph nodes from my armpit removed. I was told I would have 2 drains plus a pump? That's 3 tubes coming out of me for several weeks. Then another little rest and 6 weeks of radiation at the hottest time of the year. Then more meds for at least the next 5 years. I feel like I've disappeared into a void and the person going thru all of this has no feelings or emotions. I hate the uncertainty and have often thought in the last 5 months that I'd be happy to die were it not for my family. 5 months of hangovers every morning with no relief in sight. Everyone around me thinks it's over and that 'soon' I will regain my strength. I don't believe that at all but put on a brave face to keep everyone comfortable. This is not living and If I'm too tired to ride my horse then my life is over. My grandchildren think I'm boring and don't want to come here anymore. There's a blowfly in my bedroom taunting me. Tuesdays were always my worst day after chemo... And I know I am better off than so many - I have a close friend who does not have long left due to oesophageal cancer.We talk about death and miracles.(I would have posted this in Tests,Treatments and Side Effects but it wouldn't let me???)

@LucyE @Afraser @LMK74 @Molly001 @iserbrown @SoldierCrab @Mrs_H I'm feeling much better right now and didn't mean to send out suicide alarms. But I have felt that at times I was dieing. I remember thinking well then if this is dieing then take me. It's so encouraging to hear of others suffering, why is that so,lol? Today I have found a very handsome plastic surgeon who comes highly recommended and plan to charge thru mastectomy, rads and re-construction as quickly as possible. Of my 11 siblings five are coming to visit this weekend and I feel very loved. Thank you all for your thoughts and concerns and to share with me. It really has lifted me up. (I have been seeing a cognitive therapist for several months and she has been very helpful).

I so get it. I remember thinking I'd be ready to work 3 weeks after treatment finished. Bwahahaha. I really needed much longer...I think 7 weeks. Then I returned at 4 hours a day only and slept every day. Re-conditioning takes some time. First recovery from the worst effects of treatment. The rest is rebuilding all the loss muscle mass, the reduced heart pumping capacity and general fitness. Sleep is really important. A really well balanced diet is too. If you don't have the energy. ..and nobody helps...consider something like "light and easy" being delivered...plus addtional foods if you don't want weight loss. Well balanced and pre planned. When ready consider tbe YWCA encore program or an exercise physiologist to help with recovery. I initially just started walking 10 minutes a day. Then twice a day. 15 months from chemo, 10 months since herceptin (with heart failure) and I'm still working at it. I'm working full time. Its just the exercise I'm still struggling with. But recover I will. I want my life back. It is, after all what we all fought for. Forever changed...but a life worth reclaiming. Kath x

@Zoffiel My darling boy is agisted less than 20 minutes drive away, a 10 minute trailer ride to the beach! But I wont be doing that just yet. I moved him there myself during chemo (there she is, doing all the work) because they have a giant undercover arena covered in sand. I haven't been able to go back since I moved him there but my daughter assured me he loves the place and has a new girlfriend. This was his first day and he was put in a holding paddock with a grey foal while the rest of the herd checked him out.

Thinking of you @PatsyN and sending you a big virtual hug. I also found finishing chemo a tough time and felt very detached from my life for quite a while. I think it’s just a way of protecting yourself from so much that’s going on. Now you can start to recover physically and emotionally. I found counselling was great, on the phone or in person at the Cancer Council or BCNA. Can you go for a short walk to get some fresh air, or perhaps sit in the sunshine? You take care and believe me, it will get easier. Many of us have been where you are now and we understand how you are feeling. Your GP might also be helpful if you continue to feel down, or need support with the side effects of chemo. Lifeline is great, especially their online service if you are feeling really low. Just take it day by day, hour by hour and know that you are doing really well with a tough situation. I’m sorry to hear that your friend is so unwell. That must be very difficult for you, but it sounds like you have some meaningful conversations. x

While A/C caused more long term side effects, I found some satisfaction in just loathing taxol. Nails didn't drop off but I looked like a bad case of walking fungal infection. My nose bled. My feet were very painful. And then it all started to get better. I had my mastectomy first. It was no bother at all. 17 nodes went, the drains were only there for a few days. I didn't have radiotherapy and I have 6 months more of 5 years of hormonal medication. What I am trying to say is that you can come through the tunnel, it is possible to find light at the end and you will still be there. You will be older, and there will be scars. You may also be surprisingly stronger, and may have found new things that give you pleasure. Like LucyE, I am a great supporter of some counselling to help get through. I didn't feel in a void, but I did feel quite unsure of where I was going and what sort of me would emerge. Some disassociated discussion, some advice, some practical suggestions over not many weeks made a world of difference. In your "night" of cancer, this is 2am in the morning - when everything looks at its worst and no solutions are to be found. It can and will get better, but just as you have sought medical help, now would be a good time to get some support for the mind and soul. Take care, best wishes.

Chemo over, but just the beginning...

PatsyN
Member
8 years ago
@sickgirl - I still take maxalon whether I feel sick or not. It won't make you feel better if you're already feeling sick so I take one as soon as I wake. It's a preventative measure which the cancer care nurses told me to do. I now have only the one tablet a day but was on 4 a day during chemo and never had nausea.
I've not had herceptin. Being sick is the pits. Oddly enough I gain much comfort knowing that I'm not alone in my suffering, So thanks for sharing and best of luck for the future.
sickgirl
Member
8 years ago
Hi, my story double mastectomy in may. Her2+ 6 months chemo just finished 12 week course of paxol last week cont to have herceptin till sept next year and radiation starts in week and a half. So I felt really crappy in the last month of paxol and this week had herceptin on its own and been feeling nauseous since. Is this because I had my last dose of Paxol the week before or does anyone else have this issue with herceptin? Everyone tried to tell me I’d be fine on it. I just can’t face knowing will feel like this for another 10 months
primek
Member
8 years ago
I so get it. I remember thinking I'd be ready to work 3 weeks after treatment finished. Bwahahaha. I really needed much longer...I think 7 weeks. Then I returned at 4 hours a day only and slept every day. Re-conditioning takes some time. First recovery from the worst effects of treatment. The rest is rebuilding all the loss muscle mass, the reduced heart pumping capacity and general fitness. Sleep is really important. A really well balanced diet is too. If you don't have the energy. ..and nobody helps...consider something like "light and easy" being delivered...plus addtional foods if you don't want weight loss. Well balanced and pre planned.
When ready consider tbe YWCA encore program or an exercise physiologist to help with recovery. I initially just started walking 10 minutes a day. Then twice a day. 15 months from chemo, 10 months since herceptin (with heart failure) and I'm still working at it. I'm working full time. Its just the exercise I'm still struggling with. But recover I will. I want my life back. It is, after all what we all fought for. Forever changed...but a life worth reclaiming. Kath x
SoldierCrab
Member
8 years ago
@PatsyN
it took me a bit to climb out of the chemo fog but you will do it ..... relax and let nature take its course in healing your body after the onslaught of chemo....

Hugs
SoldierCrab
PatsyN
Member
8 years ago
@Brenda5
I agree about feeling good when I've got the cancer cut out of me. Because of my tiny breast the 2 tumours are quite visible to the naked eye! I can't wait to see the back of them. I don't mind discomfort or even pain. I'm pretty tough and have fallen off my horse lots of times. It's the chemo fog that I feel steals the most from me - words, thoughts, emotions (good and bad) like an alcoholic who loses their soul because they're drunk all the time and have no memories.
Afraser
Member
8 years ago
Looks like a lovely place! My daughter misses her riding (not cancer, two children under 3!) but her last horse (the rest have moved on) doesn't miss it at all. Best wishes.
PatsyN
Member
8 years ago
@Zoffiel My darling boy is agisted less than 20 minutes drive away, a 10 minute trailer ride to the beach! But I wont be doing that just yet. I moved him there myself during chemo (there she is, doing all the work) because they have a giant undercover arena covered in sand. I haven't been able to go back since I moved him there but my daughter assured me he loves the place and has a new girlfriend. This was his first day and he was put in a holding paddock with a grey foal while the rest of the herd checked him out.
Brenda5
Member
8 years ago
I think Patsy you were just at your low. We all have it and I had mine during chemo as well. Look with (grrr chemo brain, cant think of the word, gimme a minit)...anticipation, not apprehension to the upcoming surgery. It is a turning point to get that cancer clean out of your body. There's a bit of discomfort and healing to be done but absolutely nothing can take away that feeling you get when you know the cancer is gone. Hugz <3
SoldierCrab
Member
8 years ago
@PatsyN I didn't for a minute think you were sending out suicide messages just someone like I was who was struggling at that moment... We get it and a bit of sun is good for us all.

@Zoffiel Pmsl at the insects, while doing chemo and on zillion drugs etc I told my kids our septic tank worms/creatures .... didnt give a sh*t, couldnt taste sh*t and sure as hell couldn't taste sh*t.....And they must of all been bald pmsl
Afraser
Member
8 years ago
Good stuff! A handsome plastic surgeon sounds just the ticket!