can anyone relate to that feeling of getting through a bloody battle of all the treatment, the horror, the fight, and then that awesome feeling of sheer happy gratitude after it’s over?and you wanted to grab everyone and hug them and swore you’d never let a single second go by without being thrilled to be alive and not sick?and you were going to live an amazing productive love filled life embracing everything because you knew how fragile life can be?yeah. I’ve lost that. I’m depressed and wondering where the F_@&! did all of my pure gratitude and excitement go? I’m so angry at myself for being like this after fighting so hard to make it through. Has as anyone else found they just don’t have that spirit of gladness in everyday life anymore, that cancer stripped away your spark and you’ll never get it back and care about anything ever again?

Yes, I know how it is. We are so damn lucky to survive it, then life returns to some sort of normal again for you to only get worked up again with each checkup. For me it's a personal thing and with the sun going down each day I think of 3 things that was good that day and give silent thanks for. Life goes on but I try to pick the highlights of each day and concentrate on the positives, some days are pure shit and you don't know why. Bc changes you deeply, we have to learn to let go, make the most of what we have and realize we are still young enough to do (or at least attempt) things on our bucket list. For me i have to learn to let go, learn to laugh again, breath, live the moment and enjoy.

It can make you really grumpy. It's like being in a perpetual queue; waiting, waiting, waiting then finding you've got to the front of the line only to find the checkout has closed or you've forgotten something you can't leave without. Back to the beginning. There are many reasons we don't want this disease. Mxx

Trying to convince hubby to head to the beach for a few days next week when the school hols start. I don't care if I feel like crap, I don't care if the bed is hard, I don't care if it rains, I don't care if the entire family descends - I just need some sea and sand and a change of scene.

The definition of failure. "Lack of success" or the "neglect or omission of expected or required action"There is not one person on here who has failed in any way shape or form. You took the required action and you did it. Some of you have done it more than once. Your already successful. You had it cut out, cut off, rebuilt (or not). You knowingly went in, sat down and poisoned yourself then some had the darn thing nuked and burnt as well. You are already fucking invincible.!Getting back to you takes time. I know it is so hard to believe at the moment (and the last thing you are looking for is positive analogies) but it does get better. It's hard work but you will work out strategies to "not go there" then you start to move forward and reclaim yourself. You are not gone, just a little lost at the moment. We all get a little lost some time after this.I have a friend who ended up with postpartum Psychosis. I was with her through the 5 years it took for her to recover. All the drugs, all the pills, all the alcohol, all the days staying away from her baby because she was scared she might hurt him. I hadn't seen her in about a year when I bumped into her at the shops. She looked and sounded fantastic. I asked what she had been doing. (We had named her "black dog" Sybil in a wine filled night). She looked at me and said, well remember Sybil? Of course. I taught that bitch to heal. Now if she shows up I know I fed her. I have given up giving a shit who knows I had cancer. Couldn't care less. It's part of me now and I am proud to have gotten through it.One of my strategies is music. I chose a theme song for each day after treatment ended. It is my choice which radio station to choose. Will it be Eye of the Tiger, Sad songs say so much or, Let it be. is always a good one (Some days it's a bit more Sympathy for the Devil) LOLSounds a bit corny but hey, It works for me and I can change the playlist whenever I want.So in the words of Jimmy BarnesAll around this chaos and madnessCan't help feeling nothing more than sadnessOnly choice is to face it the best I canWhen the war is overGot to start againTry to hold a trace of what it wasBack thenYou and I we sent each other storiesJust a page I'm lost in all its gloryHow can I go home and not get blown awayAll the best my lovelies.

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Where did my gratitude go? I swear I left it right here somewhere...

160 Replies

Flaneuse
Member
7 years ago
@kmakm I guess until now we were usually combobulated. Fran x
Flaneuse
Member
7 years ago
@"Summer Prevails" It's good to hear from you. Please mumble, rant, swear, be miserable, do whatever you want to do. We're hear to listen. I can't provide solutions for anyone but I can listen and send you virtual hugs. I hope you find a solution to your back pain soon.

"Guilt" should not exist in our vocabulary. In fact, neither should "should".

@Zoffiel I love your partner's 92-year old aunt. I can envisage you during that event. And I rejoice in the fun it gave you to give the imaginary finger to your shrink relation as you downed the ancestral brandy.

@kmakm You must have baggage upon baggage upon baggage. It will take a lot of tears to wash that away.

Today I'm 3/4 of the way through post-surgery chemo and I can't imagine how I would have got this far as mildly sane as I am at this point, without the women on this forum.

Fran
kmakm
Member
7 years ago
@DearB I can't see a future future either. Explained this to the psych this morning. So many bad and stressful things have happened to my family that I just can't see the point of looking forward with hope and optimism. So at the moment I'm trying operating on a rolling six month horizon, putting things in my diary that I can look forward to in the short to medium term. With any luck that horizon will lengthen. I've always been a long term planner so this is a big change for me and I find it discombobulating (which has to be one of the best words ever!). K xox
DearB
Member
7 years ago
oh my gosh!! so glad i came back to this group, this was me!!!! just feeling absolute non joy.....i tried a mental health nurse (Who was lovely) but didn't really fix me, and then i was at the point where i thought okay i need to see the dr and get onto some anti depressants......(as much as i also didn't want to do that)

Then we went on a holiday, 2 weeks in vietnam, one week literally lying by the pool in hoi an, we met a great couple that had gone through the same last year, (Though she had chemo as well) and just the chance to chat and know that they got it...I came back and started really enjoying work again, and cut myself more slack, who cares if i don't have a spotless house, not me, we have a cleaner but we only get her for 2 hours a week so my house isn't shiny if you know what i mean, but our floors and girls bathroom is done weekly. The last few weeks I have been pysching myself up to rejoin a fitness program.... We stopped again while on holidays and i literally do no exercise.

The endo dr for graves tested me for celiac, but that came back clear. So i saw a dietician re my icky feeling and have given up normal milk so i only have lactose free now, and i am taking a probiotic not sure which worked but finally after almost a whole year of feeling icky every single morning, now i only have occasional days. imagine how much better that feels. Also saw a physio as i was getting a sore back (From being so lazy) omg that killed but he gave me some stretches to do and that has helped heaps too. Had a pap smear finally that i had put off for years and got the all clear on that.

My only main concern now is i literally can't see a future future anymore, like i am sure i used to make plans like lets move to the beach when we are old. and even in joyful moments, i have a vague feeling of dread, like something bads going to happen. I have signed up for something through cancer council about exercise as well. I have done the first survey part and there is a longer call this week. (Husband was kinda bugging me to do something but i needed it to be my choice, yes i can be slightly pig headed.)
Kiwi_Angel
Member
7 years ago
@Summer_Prevails - definitely feel free to whinge, rant and cry here - we all do at some stage and we need each other more than ever when we are feeling down. I have my first shrink appointment next month so it will be interesting to see if I find it beneficial. Big hugs xoxox
Sister
Member
7 years ago
Oops - posted too quickly @"Summer Prevails" Glad to hear from you again but sorry to hear about your injury - back pain is agony.
Sister
Member
7 years ago
Mumbling, venting, whinging, screaming and drinking the Christmas brandy all definitely allowed here!
Zoffiel
Member
7 years ago
Mumble away @summerprevails Just the thought of unpacking some of this stuff is exhausting. If you can find your own Poor Woman (or Man) you give yourself more options. You can start unloading, decide not to or have a supported meltdown then walk away from the process if that is what you feel like doing.
On the subject of shrinks, my partner's family has a Christmas in July tradition. For logistical reasons we have hosted it for the last three years which means we do the majority of the catering as other family members travel long distances and bring elderly relos who require high level care with them. Anyway, long story short is one of the participants is a psychologist who is about my age. She's a nice enough woman, but I do struggle with some rather pointed questions about how I'm coping.
My partner is very fond of her, so I know I have to Play Nicely. So, I behaved myself and presented a wow factor Xmas feast. I was a chef for a couple of decades and it's a good kitchen so cooking for a dozen people is no big deal. I kept the wine consumption to a minimum but, despite trying to avoid being cornered by this person, I felt like she was either giving me knowing looks or actively stalking me.
So, when it came to pudding time--complete with the ancestral silver coins--I drank Nanna's Brandy. This bottle of plonk has been around for years and is only used for lighting the pudding. I, apparently, poured too much into the saucepan to pre heat it. So I drank the excess. Then I polished off the rest of the bottle. I didn't do that all on my own, I snuck a couple of nips to my partner's 92 year old aunt. She thought it was hilarious. The shrink took it as evidence that I'm off my chop. I'm sure I haven't heard the end of it, but that booze was delicious.
The lesson, take small pleasures on board. Even if they only last for a couple of minutes. Mxx
kmakm
Member
7 years ago
Please do H. I just saw my psychologist for the first time in two months. I'm so f*****g miserable it's ridiculous. Cried, went back to the car, cried some more and am now sitting in a cafe sucking on a long macc (because I woke up six times last night, once from the dog whining at my door, the rest from hot flushes) trying not to cry. So so tired and overwhelmed with pointlessness. And then of course I feel guilty for not having the gratitude... What purpose does feeling guilty about feeling sad and ungrateful serve I ask you? It is the stupidest emotion I've felt in this whole wretched experience.

We all carry previous baggage into our BC. Some of us unearth previously unrealised baggage that's been sitting in the left luggage office waiting for us to collect it... I'm told the cloud will lift. In the hope that it will I keep plodding. Got a couple of tips from That Poor Woman as @Zoffiel has so perfectly named those who are paid to listen to our woes. So I'm going to try them put over the next few weeks.

One of the questions I asked was, so when people say 'how are you?' do I just say OK and move the conversation along? Yes she said, save the honesty for me and only the closest of your friends. At the risk of drawing ire from some here, to that I would add this forum. We all need to offload to sympathetic ears, to people who we feel will understand. It's not up to me to tell you to pull your socks up. I will hear your vent, your mumbles, your maundering and I will sympathise, console and if I think I have something that might help, I'll suggest it. PM me if you want.

Sorry to hear your back is acting up. I hope it feels better soon. K xox
Summer_Prevails
Member
7 years ago
Hi everyone
i am so sorry for not responding for ages. I’ve been in various states of bad. I have managed to fall over and injure my back, some kind of facet joint/muscle injury that is mysterious but hurts so much I’ve been on tons of painkillers. And hence - the Fog increased.

Im still depressed and really really exhausted. I think I’m slowly working out what exactly has caused it. It’s not just breast cancer. It’s me. I’m screwed up! It goes deeper than just having had a serious illness. Still haven’t seen any psych people. Saw my GP but I lied about my true mental health state for some dumb reason?

anyway I hope to check in later and keep talking things out if you’ll allow me to mumble through some of it.

Hugs
x o x o

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Where did my gratitude go? I swear I left it right here somewhere...

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