Forum Discussion

Bettyboo's avatar
Bettyboo
Member
7 years ago

What do I do now?

Hi everyone, I havent posted for a while as I was going through radiation, after my surgery, which is now completed and I did okay, just treating the leftover burns and itchiness which is apparently new skin growing through. Im pretty lucky all considering, but will have to report to an oncologist and surgeon, every three months. Breastscreen doesnt want to see me back there, so I guess mammograms will be arranged for me via the oncologist/surgeon.

Im seeking some advice for  life in general, and wondering whether I am suffering from depression. In the last year, prior to my diagnosis, I retired from working life, moved to an area a long way from friends, but close to my only grandson, my daughter's son. They then decided to move to Queensland, and leaving in a couple of weeks. Another daughter lives in Queenscliff, a distance away. Im a bit too far away for friends to want to visit, though some do, now it is expected I will visit them, and I want to, but Im frozen, so things are dropping away. We are all getting older. Im feeling somewhat trapped here, depressed and lonely, though not in a life-threatening way. I dont know what to do next. Ive asked for advice to see if I can find something to move back closer to friends, and familiar surroundings, but things change, and there is expenses attached. Ive looked at a couple of houses, but too much work - my unit is new, and the neighbours arent very social, everyone has their own lives, and a couple are not nice at all. Happens anywhere, guess my tolerance is low because I was used to being in my own home. I have an elderly border collie and a cat - they are my family.

My medical practitioners are a distance from me, back in familiar territory where I used to live. Im getting older, 67, and Im feeling very isolated. The local retirement village seems to be calling out to me - it is kind of affordable down here, and they arrange lots of stuff, and a couple of ladies from the arthritis group live there, and they say its excellent. I know I have to make my own decisions but lots of people are telling me not to go to a retirement village as I will hate it. Im listening to everyone, but not able to decipher anything. I did make a phone call and someone will call me tomorrow, so maybe I can have a look through.

I thought I had a plan for my retirement, and it seemed to work until now, or did it?  Did the breast cancer throw this into disarray? I pretty much coped with it all on my own. Is it because my daughter is leaving the state? She is a tough cookie anyway and places too much demand on me, very critical of all I do, so in a way there is some relief attached to this departure. I have to look after their dog until he gets picked up after they leave, and I think that will bring me undone as I love him to bits, and he seems to like me. I put on a good front, but I feel very lost right now. 

I thought I would post my message here as many of you have such extensive life experiences that I could learn from. Any advice you might have would be very much appreciated. Thank you. 

Silka
coping
  • Beryl_C_'s avatar
    Beryl_C_
    Member
    7 years ago
    Bettyboo the replies to your post are GOLD! I was diagnosed seven years ago and treatment continues. I am 71 and retired from part time work last year. This year has been difficult and I've been a bit of a recluse. About seven months ago I was seriously ill and bed-ridden for about a week and called on friends for help. A very close cousin insisted on having the talk we had to have. She made a list of things I had to get done, 1. make sure my Will is up to date, 2. attend to Enduring Power of Attorney (my husband), 3. attend to Enduring Power of Guardianship, 4) Complete a Health Care Directive, 5) ACAT - this one is a very convoluted process and I needed help to complete the paperwork. All this official stuff made my head spin but my cousin was right - this is about attending to my ongoing health and well being. I took my time getting it done but its a good feeling to know that everything is now in place should I need home help. I'm not sure if BCNA can actually help with these processes, I'm sure a phone call will put you at ease.
  • Riki_BCNA's avatar
    Riki_BCNA
    Member
    7 years ago
    Hello @Bettyboo please don't hesitate to contact the BCNA Helpline to speak with one of the cancer nurses on 1800 500 258 who can also help you tap into some local support including connecting with others as TonyaM suggested, if that is something you would like to do when you are ready.
  • TonyaM's avatar
    TonyaM
    Member
    7 years ago
    Hi Bettyboo, sometimes these big decisions are best put on hold if you aren’t sure what to do.The realestate market isn’t crash hot at the moment anyway.Have you thought of joining a bc support group in your area?Quite often we hold it together and stay brave to get through treatment and then afterwards we try and process what just happened. We can feel abit lost and it’s reassuring to connect with others in the same boat.Take your time and do activities that bring you joy.
  • primek's avatar
    primek
    Member
    7 years ago
    I personally think retirement villages can be fantastic for single people as it can give you a sense of community. Particularly ones marketed just at over 55s. 
    Other ideas are getting involved in community groups or dare I say it...looking for a house buddy. There might just be another lady (or man) like yourself who'd love a share situation.  It would take some screening and trial for the right person but certainly might be an option. And it can solve issues if wanting to go away as you have a live in house sitter. Just an idea. I watched a program recently about aging  singles and those were great solutions. 
  • arpie's avatar
    arpie
    Member
    7 years ago
    Hi @Bettyboo - the girls above have given you some wonderful advice and counselling - and you are definitely not alone in this feeling.  Your 'planned life' has been knocked off it's rails & you've had some hard things go on over the last 'x' months ..... congrats on getting thru your rads OK!  Hopefully your skin will settle down nicely - mine did (altho the boob stayed SO WARM for so long!!)  

    I reckon every one of us goes thru a form of depression at times - particularly after the active treatment has finished (surgery, chemo, rads) and you are then on meds & 'on your own'.  

    Do you have any favourite past-times that you enjoy?  Be it knitting, singing, cooking, painting, volunteering in local hospitals, lawn bowls, gardening etc that you may be able to get back into?  I find that being kept busy helps .... if you are concentrating on things, it diverts your mind from worrying about things - even if only for the short term.

    'Feeling a bit adrift' nails it on the head!  What a great term!  I am great at some decision making - but the one to declutter the house in the event of a move to a smaller one in the next 'x' years is the one I just can't motivate myself to do!  :(  I will do anything else BUT that!   But I know I will have to do something sooner or later!   So far, it will be later!  LOL

    Some retirement villages allow you to 'stay there' for a week or two, to get the feel of them (there may be a fee for this but often it is waived if you then DO decide to move in.)  Just make sure you get a solicitor or accountant or someone you really trust to go over the 'deeds & rules' before committing to it.  Especially re 'exit clauses' - you need to understand how that works.  Some retirement villages have savage 'exit clauses' in case of hospitalisation etc!

    Take care, and all the best for your ongoing care & treatment xxx


  • Bettyboo's avatar
    Bettyboo
    Member
    7 years ago
    Thank you both so very much - so much helpful and sage advice in two messages, eye-opening, I really appreciate it. I had counselling when I first moved here as I was struggling with the criticism, which seems to have anger attached to it, refusing to believe I had breast cancer until she saw me being wheeled out of surgery, and then the floodgates opened, which surprised me.  

    'Feeling a bit adrift' describes it well, but its nice to hear also that I can give myself time to make decisions about what to do next, also considering my financial situation. I will make a phone call. xxx
  • Afraser's avatar
    Afraser
    Member
    7 years ago
    Family is great but, as you suggest, occasionally greater at a bit of a distance! My mother moved to a retirement village when she was about your age. It was new, started with only a few units and gradually expanded. Most of the first residents were about my mother's age too, so the community aged with her and she was very happy there. Not sure she would have been if the majority of residents were in their 80s and 90s. As I finished active treatment, at 68, I found a short stint of counselling really helpful to re-engage with who I was, what I wanted and what I didn't want. You are probably not depressed, I wasn't either, but the patterns you have become accustomed to recently are changing, and it's not unusual to feel a bit adrift. Talking to a stranger, who is only focussed on you, can be immensely, surprisingly and usefully revealing. Best wishes.
  • Zoffiel's avatar
    Zoffiel
    Member
    7 years ago

    Hi @bettyboo

    Depression following cancer is really common; the degree varies and only you can tell if it's sufficiently serious to require intervention. You are not on your own--dozens of us go through exactly the same feelings of being adrift and disrupted. Cancer treatment is physically hard, but carrying the mental burden can be even harder. The whole business is so draining that refocussing and rebuilding can feel like an insurmountable task; I've found that time does make a difference if only because there is a slow return of energy.

    Counselling can help, but it doesn't change your overall circumstances, it's more an opportunity to vocalize your feelings and figure out some coping strategies. The last thing that most of us want are more appointments, more drugs and more people poking and prying but  your mind is every bit as important as your body so it pays to look after it and get the level of care that is appropriate for your personal needs.

    Being on your own does add and extra dimension of difficulties when you have to look after yourself, but it also provides opportunities. You have a higher degree of autonomy, you can make decisions that suit you without consultation or compromise. I get the relief of being free from criticism, you can love someone but still find them very challenging.

    If you think the retirement home is a viable option (and you can take your pets) you should certainly give the idea some serious thought. 67 is not old, but it makes sense to consider your future and how you will deal with the aging process. Being lonely is not good; most people want to feel like they are part of a group and support network. If you think the retirement home will provide that, it's yet another 'pro'. Personally, I'm far too grumpy for any form of communal living, but the reality is if I live long enough it's unlikely I will be able to avoid it.

    While you are looking at that option, please pay a great deal of attention to the financial aspects. Living there may be affordable now, but sometimes there are heavy penalties if you need to move into higher care later on.

    Be kind to yourself, Silka, this is a tough time of your life and while I understand you want your life to change, try to give yourself time to make decisions. Mxx