I thought I was doing okay

I can't add anything useful to what the others have said @jsn other than I'm thinking of you and hope that you've been able to get a handle on this. 

If not and you're unable to access counselling with the Christmas period you may want to try one of the following:

Beyond blue  - Call 1300 2244 36   24 hours 7 days a week or you can chat online 3 pm – 12 am 7 days a week, 

Life line Australia National 13 11 14  24 hours 7 days a week  

Cancer Council Helpline 13 11 20  Operating hours will be business hours (EADT) – not weekends or public holidays.

Most of us have hit a wall at some stage but if it's so bad that you can't manage anything, it sounds like you need to talk to a professional.  There is no shame in reaching out.  You've been knocked about with this disease and I think sometimes that it messes with your head more than it does with your body.

@JSN

It's the aftermath that is never explained properly through the treatment stage and takes you by surprise. The tsunami after the earthquake so to speak.

 A lot of us have posted very similar things after treatment ends.  Your mortalitiy is now incredibly real and it plays on your mind.  Every ache, pain, sneeze will give you that cold rush of fear fthinking it's back.  It does calm with time and you will be able to stand your work collegues again.  It's hard in the beginning listening to them complain about getting a latte instead of a flat white.  They don't know any better and neither would we "before" and hopefully they never will. There were many times I had to hold my tongue while overhearing mundane everyday conversations.  

It's very normal to feel that way for a bit.  Treatment is over, you made it through and now life get's back to normal right?  Or you vow to change your life, never waste another minute and do something fantastic then feel guitly because you are just stuck in limbo land. 
Limbo land stinks and nobody wants to be there too long. 

I rember thinking to myself one day how ironic it was that I was wishing time away so I could feel better when the whole treatment ordeal was to have more time. That one simple thought was a game changer. I just wish it haden't taken 18months to think of it :smile:

For me,(and every one is different) owning it helped. Yes I had cancer, yes I made it through and out the other side, yes those billboards are there for awareness for others and yes I can now deal with the cancer patients results and filing at work without getting the cold shivers. Maybe help someone else here and there.

 There will be shaky parts, tears, frustration and anger along the way but you will get there. The first year is the hardest.  Promise.

Don't sweat the small stuff and have a brilliant holiday.  Stand proud lovely lady.  YOU DID IT!

 Hugs.

xoxox

@wendy55 
Pleased to read that the chemo tablets that you have been changed to have exactly the same fillers.
Hey you are allowed to feel misty eyed, it's one helluva journey to date and time for reflection occasionally as long as you don't stay there too long.  
We're all here to help each other out where we can and hopefully bring a smile as well as a tear!
For me personally at present, I have been given a painkiller to take and no effect, so I've decided I am one tough nut to crack!
Take care and best wishes 
Hugs

Hi ladies, and I thought it was just me!, I am sitting here typing this and my eyes are raining, I just feel so sad and I dont know why, pity I dont practice what I preach sometimes, thank you to @iserbrown and @Afraser for their previous posts when my chemo tablets were changed, I have just been advised that the brand I am now to take has exactly the same fillers, so that makes me feel a little better,I think it must be the time of year, everything seems to have hit me at once,I feel overwhelmed and not motivated, so I will put my big girl pants on, take a deep breath and this too shall pass.
wendy55

@JSN
Hi!  After what we have been through I think for all of us we have a heightened awareness of our bodies and every twitch, tinge has a fleeting thought of who the, what the!  Our work colleagues haven't experienced what we have and we tend to look at them a little differently.  It's not them that's changed it is us!  We have had a brush with, I wish I could say fame, but no, it's our own mortality as we muddle our way through diagnosis and treatment path!
The most important thing about all this is you are here to tell the tale, you have your hubby by your side and you have a holiday planned!  
Hopefully you will slowly pack that bag, one foot in front of the other and when you start to feel overwhelmed, take a deep breath and pat yourself down saying, yes this is me and bring yourself into the now!

I agree with @fraser "some one to one counselling about dealing with that brush with mortality may help. But right now, a holiday is possibly the best medicine. Take care, best wishes." 

It's a tiring experience that takes it's toll but time is a healer as well as and as you rightly say " I want to be 5 years post diagnosis, 15 years post diagnosis or even 20 years."   

One day at a time and you will get there and just don't let yourself get bogged down with the minutia, it is you and hubby and the holiday that is most important at present!

Take care and safe travels

It is a panic attack - probably delayed panic. When you are having treatment, there is a lot to think about, a lot to get done, get through, get over. You don't have time to
think about big things, there are so many, mainly bloody annoying, small things to deal with and swat. So NOW you can panic. Just when you and everyone else thinks you should be "normal". Deep breaths. Concentrate on the fact you HAD cancer. If we spend our days worrying about every physical ailment that can affect us, every accident that can befall, we would be unable to do anything. Focus as much as you can on what you have achieved. And go on that holiday. Reconnecting with this extraordinary world will be a good thing. Happiness will come in its own time, possibly when you least expect it. A bit of wonder and a little bit of looking forward, not back, will suffice right now. All of this can pass - the hair (I looked like a geriatric poodle for months!!), the weariness, and at least some of the fear. When you get back from holiday, some one to one counselling about dealing with that brush with mortality may help. But right now, a holiday is possibly the best medicine. Take care, best wishes.

Gosh @JSN  ... i think we can all relate to everything you have written above.  I hope your panic attack has subsided now .... it is probaby one of the few things that i havent experienced in the last 12 months + since my own detection. 

Deep breaths.  Take one day at a time ... and maybe start packing for your neat overseas  holiday ....maybe  buy a couple of new outfits and celebrate with hubby getting thru this year in one piece.   He has been thru it as well and may even have similar fears .... are you able to chat with him about it? 

Ive had more meltdowns in the last 3 weeks than the entire 13 months since detection .... so can really feel your stress and emotions. Xx

You can do this ...  I hope your work colleague and buddy are being well looked after ... you just need to look after yourself at this point in time xx

Take care xxx  thinking of you xx