Forum Discussion
Family are not being respectful of my wishes
Dear all,
I have invasive BC. I had surgery in May and I am currently having chemo. When I was diagnosed after much thought I decided to only tell my immediate family and a few very close friends. I choose carefully and selected people who i thought would support me.
When I told people i had BC I expressly advised each of them that I did not want to have my breast cancer known to anyone else. I wanted my privacy. I wanted time to deal with my emotions.
Well my parents (in their 80s and in good health) have told distant relatives. I find out because I was messaged and called on the phone. Shock to say the least and totally unprepared.
I was a annoyed with my parents but explained again I wanted my BC private. Again my parents have kept broadcasting my health to others including random retirement village people in their retirement village. I then hear a message from a male cousin i only ever see at funerals that they know of my condition. Of course it was a nice message but hey I won't hear or see them until another family funeral.
I challenge my mother and she says I told her to tell all relatives, a complete and utter lie. She says i must have forgotten but my husband knows I was very clear.
Our relationship has deteriorated. They just don't respect my wishes. In fact they tell me I am overreacting and there is nothing wrong with telling people. They now suggest i am 'not well'. They are gaslighting here.
What do I do? I had asked for space and said I would get in touch when I was able to (The intention was to create some space from them) however my mother can't respect that and haS called twice. Neither call had been good and she continues to gaslight telling me telling me I forgot whst I told her.
I am stressed about it. I didn't want a bad relationship with them during this time. There is s long history of not respecting my boundaries. Yes i can forgive but I don't know if I want to see them. I can't trust them. If they contact me and they will i plan to just say everything is fine and no further details. I am not sure if I should cut them out of my journey but at the moment I feel like it given their betrayal.
I have invasive BC. I had surgery in May and I am currently having chemo. When I was diagnosed after much thought I decided to only tell my immediate family and a few very close friends. I choose carefully and selected people who i thought would support me.
When I told people i had BC I expressly advised each of them that I did not want to have my breast cancer known to anyone else. I wanted my privacy. I wanted time to deal with my emotions.
Well my parents (in their 80s and in good health) have told distant relatives. I find out because I was messaged and called on the phone. Shock to say the least and totally unprepared.
I was a annoyed with my parents but explained again I wanted my BC private. Again my parents have kept broadcasting my health to others including random retirement village people in their retirement village. I then hear a message from a male cousin i only ever see at funerals that they know of my condition. Of course it was a nice message but hey I won't hear or see them until another family funeral.
I challenge my mother and she says I told her to tell all relatives, a complete and utter lie. She says i must have forgotten but my husband knows I was very clear.
Our relationship has deteriorated. They just don't respect my wishes. In fact they tell me I am overreacting and there is nothing wrong with telling people. They now suggest i am 'not well'. They are gaslighting here.
What do I do? I had asked for space and said I would get in touch when I was able to (The intention was to create some space from them) however my mother can't respect that and haS called twice. Neither call had been good and she continues to gaslight telling me telling me I forgot whst I told her.
I am stressed about it. I didn't want a bad relationship with them during this time. There is s long history of not respecting my boundaries. Yes i can forgive but I don't know if I want to see them. I can't trust them. If they contact me and they will i plan to just say everything is fine and no further details. I am not sure if I should cut them out of my journey but at the moment I feel like it given their betrayal.
39 Replies
- Fortunately for me, the female who gave birth to me and her spouse, live on the other side of the world...literally. I last spoke to her at my only brother's funeral in 1995, whereupon I advised her to get sexually active and travel. Actually, I only uttered two words...the first had four letters and the second had three.
- Thank you so much Cheryl @ChezaH! You’re absolutely right, the less drama the better ☺️. Thanks for your support and I hope you’re doing really well 😊🥰😘.
Mon Xx - FLClover said:You’re very welcome @Cath62!We are def already in a very stressful situation with the bc, so the last thing we need is more unnecessary stress. Tbh, staying with them has helped me in terms of realising why I have certain traumas and difficulties in a lot of situations. It’s related to my upbringing, and these are things that I wasn’t conscious about, but that I can now see clearly. For eg, my 7 yr old daughter will start laughing about something. After about a minute my mum tells her off for laughing too much 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️. I ask her what’s the problem with her laughing, as I would rather her laugh than cry. She’s obviously having fun. My mum says too much laughter is not good and leads to bad stuff. After only a minute mind you. And I remembered her telling me the same thing all throughout my childhood, which is why I now have a debilitating fear of laughing and being happy in general. So I had a big yell at her and told her to leave my daughter alone, and that it’s my job to raise her now, that she already damaged her own kids. Of course she got offended. But seeing this has helped me to realise I need to sort this stuff out, as I have a strong belief that my cancer is related to it, because I think a lot of illnesses are psychological, as well as the healing. I have arranged to see a psychologist specialising in childhood trauma as well as cancer. Hopeful she helps.Your situation sounds very distressing as well, so I hope you can stay firm in keeping your distance, and that it doesn’t affect you too much. I know that staying away from family is also difficult, as it makes it so painfully obvious that you don’t have the relationship with them you wish you had, that you deserve. But then again, who has a perfect family right? 🤷🏼♀️.I’m really happy you have such a supportive husband though 🥰, and that we’re also able to help each other out on this forum 😁. Keep in touch and wishing you the best 😘😘
Morning FLCLover, So glad to hear that you are coming to terms with all these issues, and moving forward to address them. Sending hugs and wishing you all the best. We certainly do not need extra drama in our lives now, dealing with this cancer journey is quite enough. Hugs xx Cheryl - That’s fantastic @Cath62, a positive attitude is the first step forward. We both have a lot of work to do by the looks of it, but I believe we are well on the way to healing 😊
- @FLClover , indeed I have situation. There is no turning back now and healing is the only way forward. I have a bit of work to do. I understand trauma. I will be seeing someone to assist me and I am positive about that.
- Thank you @Blossom1961!I completely understand, that’s why I’m on this forum a lot too. People that I’ve never met are so much more helpful and understanding than people I’ve known for years. Sending big hugs back 🤗😊☺️.
Mon Xxx - You’re very welcome @Cath62!We are def already in a very stressful situation with the bc, so the last thing we need is more unnecessary stress. Tbh, staying with them has helped me in terms of realising why I have certain traumas and difficulties in a lot of situations. It’s related to my upbringing, and these are things that I wasn’t conscious about, but that I can now see clearly. For eg, my 7 yr old daughter will start laughing about something. After about a minute my mum tells her off for laughing too much 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️. I ask her what’s the problem with her laughing, as I would rather her laugh than cry. She’s obviously having fun. My mum says too much laughter is not good and leads to bad stuff. After only a minute mind you. And I remembered her telling me the same thing all throughout my childhood, which is why I now have a debilitating fear of laughing and being happy in general. So I had a big yell at her and told her to leave my daughter alone, and that it’s my job to raise her now, that she already damaged her own kids. Of course she got offended. But seeing this has helped me to realise I need to sort this stuff out, as I have a strong belief that my cancer is related to it, because I think a lot of illnesses are psychological, as well as the healing. I have arranged to see a psychologist specialising in childhood trauma as well as cancer. Hopeful she helps.Your situation sounds very distressing as well, so I hope you can stay firm in keeping your distance, and that it doesn’t affect you too much. I know that staying away from family is also difficult, as it makes it so painfully obvious that you don’t have the relationship with them you wish you had, that you deserve. But then again, who has a perfect family right? 🤷🏼♀️.I’m really happy you have such a supportive husband though 🥰, and that we’re also able to help each other out on this forum 😁. Keep in touch and wishing you the best 😘😘
- Cath62 said:@primek probably should clarify my parents broadcast of my health went beyond people who would offer support to them. It seems even people who they meet in the lift of their retirement village were told. For each person told these people have told many others. I clearly communicated i wanted to keep this to a small number of people. I clearly said i needed time to process it all and on several occasions. Anyway I am moving on. They have forced me into that so I have no choice.
I will be limiting contact for awhile and information to them as well because they haven't even communicated the correct information anyway. They told people I have stage 3 cancer when I don't. When they told my estranged sister they did so to try to get her to call me. My sister hasn't spoken to me for 16yrs. They were trying to manipulate which they do all the time. It didn't work. They told people it's is genetic when I haven't had any genetic testing. God knows what else had been said. I only know about the mis-information through the surprise calls I have received from others who have been in a flap about it.
Sending hugs, you do not need all this drama while you are dealing with your health.xxxx - @primek probably should clarify my parents broadcast of my health went beyond people who would offer support to them. It seems even people who they meet in the lift of their retirement village were told. For each person told these people have told many others. I clearly communicated i wanted to keep this to a small number of people. I clearly said i needed time to process it all and on several occasions. Anyway I am moving on. They have forced me into that so I have no choice.
I will be limiting contact for awhile and information to them as well because they haven't even communicated the correct information anyway. They told people I have stage 3 cancer when I don't. When they told my estranged sister they did so to try to get her to call me. My sister hasn't spoken to me for 16yrs. They were trying to manipulate which they do all the time. It didn't work. They told people it's is genetic when I haven't had any genetic testing. God knows what else had been said. I only know about the mis-information through the surprise calls I have received from others who have been in a flap about it. - Thanks @primek I do understand my parents needing their support. I totally get that. I will let it go, probably already have since talking to everyone here, which is why this group is so good. However it is the last straw for me in my history with them and their lack of respect for me in terms of boundaries (which was abuse and trauma hence my big reaction) so as others had said, I will limit my contact and have my husband talk calls and update them a bit more rather than me. This will help me and I feel safer as a result. I will speak to a counsellor as well.
