The information available on the Breast Cancer Network Australia website is not medical advice and is provided for information purposes only. It should not be viewed as a replacement for a consultation with a qualified medical professional. Our website is designed to offer information and support to the general public. Be aware that we do not provide any medical advice, and for medical advice we recommend you speak to a qualified medical professional or doctor. 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are not being respectful of my wishes","id":"message:201452","revisionNum":1,"repliesCount":39,"author":{"__ref":"User:user:22636"},"depth":0,"hasGivenKudo":false,"board":{"__ref":"Forum:board:managing-stress-and-anxiety"},"conversation":{"__ref":"Conversation:conversation:201452"},"readOnly":false,"editFrozen":false,"moderationData":{"__ref":"ModerationData:moderation_data:201452"},"body@stripHtml({\"truncateLength\":200})":"Dear all, I have invasive BC. I had surgery in May and I am currently having chemo. When I was diagnosed after much thought I decided to only tell my immediate family and a few very close friends. ...","body@stringLength":"2282","rawBody":"Dear all,
I have invasive BC. I had surgery in May and I am currently having chemo. When I was diagnosed after much thought I decided to only tell my immediate family and a few very close friends. I choose carefully and selected people who i thought would support me.
When I told people i had BC I expressly advised each of them that I did not want to have my breast cancer known to anyone else. I wanted my privacy. I wanted time to deal with my emotions.
Well my parents (in their 80s and in good health) have told distant relatives. I find out because I was messaged and called on the phone. Shock to say the least and totally unprepared.
I was a annoyed with my parents but explained again I wanted my BC private. Again my parents have kept broadcasting my health to others including random retirement village people in their retirement village. I then hear a message from a male cousin i only ever see at funerals that they know of my condition. Of course it was a nice message but hey I won't hear or see them until another family funeral.
I challenge my mother and she says I told her to tell all relatives, a complete and utter lie. She says i must have forgotten but my husband knows I was very clear.
Our relationship has deteriorated. They just don't respect my wishes. In fact they tell me I am overreacting and there is nothing wrong with telling people. They now suggest i am 'not well'. They are gaslighting here.
What do I do? I had asked for space and said I would get in touch when I was able to (The intention was to create some space from them) however my mother can't respect that and haS called twice. Neither call had been good and she continues to gaslight telling me telling me I forgot whst I told her.
I am stressed about it. I didn't want a bad relationship with them during this time. There is s long history of not respecting my boundaries. Yes i can forgive but I don't know if I want to see them. I can't trust them. If they contact me and they will i plan to just say everything is fine and no further details. I am not sure if I should cut them out of my journey but at the moment I feel like it given their betrayal. ","kudosSumWeight":0,"postTime":"2020-08-11T23:23:24.000-07:00","images":{"__typename":"AssociatedImageConnection","edges":[],"totalCount":0,"pageInfo":{"__typename":"PageInfo","hasNextPage":false,"endCursor":null,"hasPreviousPage":false,"startCursor":null}},"attachments":{"__typename":"AttachmentConnection","pageInfo":{"__typename":"PageInfo","hasNextPage":false,"endCursor":null,"hasPreviousPage":false,"startCursor":null},"edges":[]},"tags":{"__typename":"TagConnection","pageInfo":{"__typename":"PageInfo","hasNextPage":false,"endCursor":null,"hasPreviousPage":false,"startCursor":null},"edges":[{"__typename":"TagEdge","cursor":"MjUuMnwyLjF8b3wxMHxfTlZffDE","node":{"__typename":"Tag","id":"tag:chemotherapy","text":"chemotherapy","time":"2025-03-25T05:01:41.190-07:00","lastActivityTime":null,"messagesCount":null,"followersCount":null}},{"__typename":"TagEdge","cursor":"MjUuMnwyLjF8b3wxMHxfTlZffDI","node":{"__typename":"Tag","id":"tag:coping","text":"coping","time":"2025-03-25T05:01:39.590-07:00","lastActivityTime":null,"messagesCount":null,"followersCount":null}},{"__typename":"TagEdge","cursor":"MjUuMnwyLjF8b3wxMHxfTlZffDM","node":{"__typename":"Tag","id":"tag:family","text":"family","time":"2025-03-25T05:01:39.664-07:00","lastActivityTime":null,"messagesCount":null,"followersCount":null}}]},"timeToRead":2,"currentRevision":{"__ref":"Revision:revision:201452_1"},"latestVersion":null,"metrics":{"__typename":"MessageMetrics","views":1013},"visibilityScope":"PUBLIC","canonicalUrl":null,"seoTitle":null,"seoDescription":null,"isEscalated":null,"placeholder":false,"originalMessageForPlaceholder":null,"messagePolicies":{"__typename":"MessagePolicies","canModerateSpamMessage":{"__typename":"PolicyResult","failureReason":{"__typename":"FailureReason","message":"error.lithium.policies.feature.moderation_spam.action.moderate_entity.allowed.accessDenied","key":"error.lithium.policies.feature.moderation_spam.action.moderate_entity.allowed.accessDenied","args":[]}}},"archivalData":null,"customFields":[],"body":"Dear all,
I have invasive BC. I had surgery in May and I am currently having chemo. When I was diagnosed after much thought I decided to only tell my immediate family and a few very close friends. I choose carefully and selected people who i thought would support me.
When I told people i had BC I expressly advised each of them that I did not want to have my breast cancer known to anyone else. I wanted my privacy. I wanted time to deal with my emotions.
Well my parents (in their 80s and in good health) have told distant relatives. I find out because I was messaged and called on the phone. Shock to say the least and totally unprepared.
I was a annoyed with my parents but explained again I wanted my BC private. Again my parents have kept broadcasting my health to others including random retirement village people in their retirement village. I then hear a message from a male cousin i only ever see at funerals that they know of my condition. Of course it was a nice message but hey I won't hear or see them until another family funeral.
I challenge my mother and she says I told her to tell all relatives, a complete and utter lie. She says i must have forgotten but my husband knows I was very clear.
Our relationship has deteriorated. They just don't respect my wishes. In fact they tell me I am overreacting and there is nothing wrong with telling people. They now suggest i am 'not well'. They are gaslighting here.
What do I do? I had asked for space and said I would get in touch when I was able to (The intention was to create some space from them) however my mother can't respect that and haS called twice. Neither call had been good and she continues to gaslight telling me telling me I forgot whst I told her.
I am stressed about it. I didn't want a bad relationship with them during this time. There is s long history of not respecting my boundaries. Yes i can forgive but I don't know if I want to see them. I can't trust them. If they contact me and they will i plan to just say everything is fine and no further details. I am not sure if I should cut them out of my journey but at the moment I feel like it given their betrayal. "},"Conversation:conversation:201452":{"__typename":"Conversation","id":"conversation:201452","solved":false,"topic":{"__ref":"ForumTopicMessage:message:201452"},"lastPostingActivityTime":"2020-08-19T21:47:55.000-07:00","lastPostTime":"2020-08-19T21:47:55.000-07:00","unreadReplyCount":39,"isSubscribed":false},"ModerationData:moderation_data:201452":{"__typename":"ModerationData","id":"moderation_data:201452","status":"APPROVED","rejectReason":null,"isReportedAbuse":false,"rejectUser":null,"rejectTime":null,"rejectActorType":null},"Revision:revision:201452_1":{"__typename":"Revision","id":"revision:201452_1","lastEditTime":"2020-08-11T23:23:24.000-07:00"},"ForumReplyMessage:message:201475":{"__typename":"ForumReplyMessage","id":"message:201475","conversation":{"__ref":"Conversation:conversation:201452"},"author":{"__ref":"User:user:22664"},"revisionNum":1,"uid":201475,"depth":1,"hasGivenKudo":false,"subscribed":false,"board":{"__ref":"Forum:board:managing-stress-and-anxiety"},"subject":"Re: Family are not being respectful of my wishes","readOnly":false,"editFrozen":false,"moderationData":{"__ref":"ModerationData:moderation_data:201475"},"parent":{"__ref":"ForumTopicMessage:message:201452"},"body":"You’re very welcome @Cath62!
We are def already in a very stressful situation with the bc, so the last thing we need is more unnecessary stress. Tbh, staying with them has helped me in terms of realising why I have certain traumas and difficulties in a lot of situations. It’s related to my upbringing, and these are things that I wasn’t conscious about, but that I can now see clearly. For eg, my 7 yr old daughter will start laughing about something. After about a minute my mum tells her off for laughing too much 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️. I ask her what’s the problem with her laughing, as I would rather her laugh than cry. She’s obviously having fun. My mum says too much laughter is not good and leads to bad stuff. After only a minute mind you. And I remembered her telling me the same thing all throughout my childhood, which is why I now have a debilitating fear of laughing and being happy in general. So I had a big yell at her and told her to leave my daughter alone, and that it’s my job to raise her now, that she already damaged her own kids. Of course she got offended. But seeing this has helped me to realise I need to sort this stuff out, as I have a strong belief that my cancer is related to it, because I think a lot of illnesses are psychological, as well as the healing. I have arranged to see a psychologist specialising in childhood trauma as well as cancer. Hopeful she helps.
Your situation sounds very distressing as well, so I hope you can stay firm in keeping your distance, and that it doesn’t affect you too much. I know that staying away from family is also difficult, as it makes it so painfully obvious that you don’t have the relationship with them you wish you had, that you deserve. But then again, who has a perfect family right? 🤷🏼♀️.
I’m really happy you have such a supportive husband though 🥰, and that we’re also able to help each other out on this forum 😁. Keep in touch and wishing you the best 😘😘
","body@stringLength":"2008","rawBody":"You’re very welcome @Cath62!
We are def already in a very stressful situation with the bc, so the last thing we need is more unnecessary stress. Tbh, staying with them has helped me in terms of realising why I have certain traumas and difficulties in a lot of situations. It’s related to my upbringing, and these are things that I wasn’t conscious about, but that I can now see clearly. For eg, my 7 yr old daughter will start laughing about something. After about a minute my mum tells her off for laughing too much 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️. I ask her what’s the problem with her laughing, as I would rather her laugh than cry. She’s obviously having fun. My mum says too much laughter is not good and leads to bad stuff. After only a minute mind you. And I remembered her telling me the same thing all throughout my childhood, which is why I now have a debilitating fear of laughing and being happy in general. So I had a big yell at her and told her to leave my daughter alone, and that it’s my job to raise her now, that she already damaged her own kids. Of course she got offended. But seeing this has helped me to realise I need to sort this stuff out, as I have a strong belief that my cancer is related to it, because I think a lot of illnesses are psychological, as well as the healing. I have arranged to see a psychologist specialising in childhood trauma as well as cancer. Hopeful she helps.
Your situation sounds very distressing as well, so I hope you can stay firm in keeping your distance, and that it doesn’t affect you too much. I know that staying away from family is also difficult, as it makes it so painfully obvious that you don’t have the relationship with them you wish you had, that you deserve. But then again, who has a perfect family right? 🤷🏼♀️.
I’m really happy you have such a supportive husband though 🥰, and that we’re also able to help each other out on this forum 😁. Keep in touch and wishing you the best 😘😘
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