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MandaMoo's avatar
MandaMoo
Member
14 years ago

Stable - schmable...

Hi pink ladies,

Clinic today - basically the disease is stable - schmable.  I'm pretty down about it.  I have had all of my hopes pinned on remission.  It is unlikely that this will happen.  So I have to get my head in the space that stable is a good result.  The CT cannot tell what is active and what is scar tissue but basically since I started my weekly treatment 19 weeks ago, the lung mets have barely changed and none of them are gone - yes they are small but they are very numerous and even the tiny ones are still there.  The axilla node is 50% reduced in size and the skin met is about 50% smaller too.  I still wonder if the lung "things" are actually mets - especially as they do not seem to be reducing but am not willing to have the invasive surgery to biopsy them.  We just have to assume that they are as the skin met was positive.  So I keep going on the treatment as so far nothing is growing and that is a good thing.

I've decided that I need to take a break from the cancer world a little - disengage from it as much as I can despite having advanced cancer and weekly treatment.  I need to get on with life.  I don't want to talk about cancer anymore, I don't want to read about cancer anymore (hell I don't even want to have it anymore - can anyone arrange that?). 

I am getting back into exercise - yoga, pilates and bike riding; back into my photography; very into xmas and new year and life with my beautiful little family while I feel extremely well.  Who knows - miracles happen - so one might just happen to me - but it is not worth sitting around waiting - I just have get on with living.

Love and light to all of you.  You are angels.

Amanda xx

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  • Loretta_d's avatar
    Loretta_d
    Member
    14 years ago

    Hi Amanda, Thanks for the update as I often wonder how things are going with you. I have to agree that stable is a good thing. It's great that you are doing the things you love. I have recently gone back to the gym & I know that makes me feel good. Yes nothing like planning for Christmas & I hope it's a special one for you. Take care my friend.

    Loretta xxx

  • Leonie_Moore's avatar
    Leonie_Moore
    Member
    14 years ago

    Hi lovely Amanda,  You are such a "smart" lady.  I too have "pulled back" a bit from being the cancer patient.  I can't leave this site but I am not "taking on" any "new clients".  I only seek out my "old" friends through "My home".  I suppose it is the normal progression.  Early next month is the 1st annniversary of my second diagnosis and after that date I want to "get on with it " a bit more.  Sure there are hourly reminders but slowly and surely I am "leaving" bc behind - even if it is in my head.  For my marriage sake - I know this sounds strange - I need to be "bc free" as my husband has not handled a second diagnosis very well.  He really needs to seek some help but of course is very subborn.  It is always very positive to have "things" to look forward to.  I am so glad that you are going back to your favourite things.  Lets all live in the NOW and enjoy each minute as it happens.  Many blessings to you until we are in contact again.  Enjoy your "freedom".  XLeonie

  • Leonie_Moore's avatar
    Leonie_Moore
    Member
    14 years ago

    Hi lovely Amanda,  You are such a "smart" lady.  I too have "pulled back" a bit from being the cancer patient.  I can't leave this site but I am not "taking on" any "new clients".  I only seek out my "old" friends through "My home".  I suppose it is the normal progression.  Early next month is the 1st annniversary of my second diagnosis and after that date I want to "get on with it " a bit more.  Sure there are hourly reminders but slowly and surely I am "leaving" bc behind - even if it is in my head.  For my marriage sake - I know this sounds strange - I need to be "bc free" as my husband has not handled a second diagnosis very well.  He really needs to seek some help but of course is very subborn.  It is always very positive to have "things" to look forward to.  I am so glad that you are going back to your favourite things.  Lets all live in the NOW and enjoy each minute as it happens.  Many blessings to you until we are in contact again.  Enjoy your "freedom".  XLeonie

  • Anonymous's avatar
    Anonymous
    14 years ago

    Firstly, can I say stable is actually good!...It's definately no worse which has to be a good thing, right? I can understand your disappointment though...It would've been a bonus to have the lung mets reduced, if not gone!  What about the axilla node being 50% reduced in size and the skin met being about 50% smaller? That's great news Amanda! In time I bet those pesky lung mets will reduce too...they are just being a little stubborn at the moment.... Never say never! Never give up hope whatever you do!

    I understand you wanting to take a break from the cancer world. I no longer google or seek out any cancer-related material...I just dont want to know about it anymore. I have gone into my 'bubble' world and just come on this site for support and advice when I need it...that is enough for me at the moment. Perhaps I am putting my head in the sand, but I dont care cos I feel better for it. I have decided that there are times to truly FIGHT, and times to have a break from the FIGHTING...it is exhausting mentally, physically and emotionally and in my opinion its ok to retreat and get on with life!

    I hope you do find time to pop into this site and touch base...you have been and continue to be an inspiration to me Amanda. Big hugs and love, Celeste xx

  • Al's avatar
    Al
    Member
    14 years ago

    You are one brave lady!  Your blog brought a tear to my eye. At least it is stable. What a great idea to just forget about the big C for a while and get into what really matters. Thinking of you often and yes it does get us down but you have the right attitude. This will undoubtedly stand you in good stead. I too have stopped googling cancer related material and have just accepted that what is is. My journey is very different to yours and has only just begun and I can only imagine what you are going through. Stay strong. You are such an inspiration to us all.

    Have a wonderful Christmas with you wonderful family and enjoy some quality days over the break - you deserve it!

    Take care and all the very best for the new year!

    Love Alison xx

  • Amy's avatar
    Amy
    Member
    14 years ago

    Hi Amanda

    Stable is good!  And if you are feeling Ok even better.  I think you are right - you just have to get on with living.  That's what I have been doing the last few weeks and I feel much better for it.  I still check the BCNA network (obviously) but I haven't googled or looked at anything else cancer related for such a long time - and I feel much better mentally for it.

    Have a wonderful Christmas with your beautiful family and know that we are all thinking of you.

    Amy x