Life after treatment

Sometimes I can't believe what some of you ladies go through, yes I do think you need to see someone bc nurse or counciling. Men don't think the same as us I took my partner from the start to all my surgeon meetings so he could understand what I would be going through. I had to tell him sometimes I just needed a hug and I might just break down and cry out of the blue that I'm ok just emotional. He didn't understand I have had the cancer taken out done radiation I should be ok. I am sure they think you have had the operation etc you should be normal again everything goes back to how it was before. You have to spell things out to them sometimes, now if I have a breakdown he's not so upset to see me crying. Just as well we have women to talk to and understand us and support us like in this forum. Men are fixers they don't deal with things they can't fix I hope you get more support it's a very very emotional ride sending ❤️

@melclarity It sounds like you've come out the other side doing Ok.  I gives me hope.  I'm lucky I still have an 11 year old who is very cuddly and I will always scam hugs off my 15 and 17 year olds.

@Zoffiel  Some people just don't have filters for what they say and how it might effect someone else.  Sorry you're having to go through it all again.

Lisha, so true, men like to fix things and if they can't they don't know what to do, they don't realise that as women we just want to be heard, nothing more. Hmmm and I say let the boys hug and be close to you!!! It's not burdening them at all, it probably helps them too, you're showing them how to be emotional, that its ok not to be strong all the time. I learnt this all the hard way having to be the strong sole parent, Chemo sucks the life out of you, so my kids saw it all, but Im glad because it showed them the balance of being human. I say never too much affection LOL!! I love it!! just hard pinning down my nearly 18yo Son for one LOL, but he's my only boy and baby. Girls are different, but my daughter is amazing! 

Lisha, I really hope you can find a way to connect with him, it's super important...gee what you said is exactly where I was 7yrs ago. xx

@melclarity Thanks Melinda.  It's funny, when I'm upset he'll ask Are you Ok? in a demanding kind of tone (not soft and gentle like we would appreciate) and he won't really wait for an answer before telling me what I should do to fix whatever it is that may be bothering me.  Many times I'll say that I just need him to listen and not to try and fix the problem.  But he does notice if and when I'm sad and he'll tell my boys to come and give me hugs.  So I do get hugs and some sympathy from my boys, but I don't want to burden them too much.  I'm afraid his disconnection just leaves me to have no expectations of support and understanding which is how it basically is. Lxx

Lisha, your Husband sounds very disconnected, sometimes it's lack of being able to be emotional. My husband was great at alot of things too, but emotionally devoid. He is a good man, a good Father. When my Mum died suddenly 8yrs ago, after a couple of weeks he caught me crying in the shower as I had no time to grieve being everything for everyone else. He asked what was wrong and I said sobbing that I'm grieving, which he hadnt seen me do. He turned around and walked out, that was it. I'm glad I wasn't there through my 2 bouts of Breast Cancer in the last 6yrs, whilst its been a hard road alone, it was far better than dealing with him too, he gave me nothing on an emotional level, he just didn't know how. To me it's about connection and disconnection...only connecting will he try to understand. I'm really sorry to hear he's like that, when you need the opposite. Hugs Melinda xo

@Hopes_and_Dreams  I'm with you Jane on all accounts. Although I'll add a good 20kgs that I can't shift :D   A woman's body is so different to a mans and the things we have to go through.  I don't think they have the hormonal capacity of stuff to go wrong with their bodies like we do.  So yes I think they are definitely in denial and lack empathy.  I am so grateful for this community too.  Thanks for the hug.  Lishaxx

It's amazing how people's perception becomes their reality. The fact that we choose to hide how we feel has the effect of everyone thinking we are fine and back to normal. My husband was amazing through the whole breast cancer roller coaster but he floored me the other night. I was explaining to the new partner of my best friend what my last 12 months has been like. He is a nurse so I figured he would understand. Anyway, at the end of my story my husband said - Jane was lucky, it's all over now and she is back to normal!  WTF!! Does normal mean I now get to  worry about every twinge, that I live with hot flushes, that I have a foreign body in my breast which now has no feeling!  And 5kg I can't shift, dryness all over the place! and a bucketful of vitamins and drugs to be taken each day.
The longest part of my recovery was psychological and unless someone has walked in our shoes I don't think they can ever really understand how strong we need to be to put that happy face on.  Just because we are physically able to work it's a whole different story to be mentally ready.  All in our own good time!
I'm so sorry your husband isn't giving you the support you need.  A lot of men just don't have the empathy to deal with a loved ones illness.
Either that or they are in denial!
Another reason why we are so blessed to have each other to talk to - we know that those on this forum truly understand.  Sending a hug, Jane xx

Thank you my wonderful advisors.  There's nothing quite like experience and understanding from another who is/has gone through similar situations.  You all have given me ideas and sound advice to work on. I have been seeing a psychologist for a few years and am still going on a regular basis to help me cope with life's ups and downs and a husband who does seem to lack the empathy gene.  He is not totally cold hearted and is a good man and father to our 3 sons.  So I am doing ok and I do get good support and empathy from female family and friends.

It's funny because I've been working on trying to get myself back in the workforce for a couple of years now.  Anxiety has played a big part in making it difficult. Then breast cancer reared it's ugly head.  I have learned to pace myself, be kind to myself and am working with my new normal, as opposed to the new normal I had to work out before breast cancer( with anxiety/depression/hypothyroid etc, if that makes any sense).  I do understand it is a lot of pressure on him to be the soul bread winner, but I know my body doesn't cope with too much energy being used up by doing too much, other than running a house with 3 boys and a husband and getting everyone to their soccer training and games etc.  I do find many joys in my dogs, nature, crochet and now painting and drawing, I have learned to accept and be happy with those things that I can do and I'm not guilty for the times I need to rest and recharge.  So I'm not a total misery guts and I've learned to shut out some of what my husband says as I know he's just not very good with 'health issues' and doesn't understand the body and it's goings on quite like I do. As for him going to counselling that has been something I have tried and coaxed but to no avail.  I've tried to get him to get some help and support at the time that I was diagnosed with depression several years ago but that didn't work.  You know support for the carer.  But he wasn't quite the carer just someone expecting me to get better. I just feel so frustrated because he also shuts out my reasoning and justifying why I don't go out and work.  Anyway.....I am doing a painting and drawing course which has been wonderful for my healing process. He's very supportive of that at least.

So thank you again for your input and experiences.  Very muchly appreciated.

Lisha xx

I remember how I felt at the 1 year mark. I was exhausted...I felt like I was recovering from a marathon. I was still having herceptin and had returned to work reluctantly part time. It actually helped me mentally but I was exhausted and came home and slept an hour a day. We ate a lot of quick prepared meals. I'm now just up to full time work 17 months from diagnosis. I need a cleaner and my son's cook at least 2 days per week and I spend my weekends resting otherwise I feel overstretched.  I've nowhere the physical energy I had before. 

I actually enjoy working and can put in a full day there now.  But my work isn't physically demanding. It did help me recover and have the feeling of normalacy again. However I chose when I was ready to return. I chose when I gradually increased hourse. It took me 6 months to get to fulltime work.

I'm constantly amazed at people who state what they would choose if they had breast cancer. I certainly never thought about it until it happened. I have,  however lost many loved ones discovered too late for curative treatment. My sister was one, but the chemo and various treatments gave her  12 years...enough to see her children marry and meet her grandchildren. That made the side effects of treatment worthwhile her. I didn't ever consider not having it. Not for a second.

The mental recovery of cancer is hard. Survivorship is hard work. I too suffer anxiety and depression and have Graves disease (hyperthyroidism ) currently under treatment. I chose that I wasn't going to let cancer rule the rest of my life. I wanted to reclaim it back. F...u cancer you're not having all of me. I needed counselling to help get tbete though and lots of determination to put it at the back of my mind not the front. I don't pretend I'm not tired, or frightened of recurrence or have doubts I will ever be close to who I was before diagnosis. But...I found a me that is now happy and content and determined to reclaim my life. The life I choose though. 

As to your husband, I can't really understand it other than think he just doesn't get it. I had discussions with a cancer coordinator at the hospital who spoke to my boss...as I felt initially unsupported.  Counselling might be an option here. Was the pressure to work there prior to the diagnosis?

I hope in time the joy and energy returns to your life. Sometines we need to just "be" for a bit and gather that mental energy to strive forward again. Kath x

http://www.cancer.org.au/about-cancer/publications.html#jump_4

I thought these links might have some helpful tips you could leave lying aroubd the house.