To say its been a tough week, has been an understatement even after a recurrence multiple surgeries and treatments over the past 6yrs. As much as I knew it was coming, I wasnt prepared for the call from Hospital for my pre-admission tomorrow. 19 months on from a lumpectomy, 13 months post chemo, happy, healthy reclaiming my life. The mental torture has been relentless this week, knowing I'm WELL but in light of a recurrence don't gamble Melinda, do a Mastectomy/Diep flap reconstruction. Even knowing deep down its the best thing I could do, I still struggle with the loss, the prevention, the surgery. Its always been my struggle getting to this decision now it is here, I don't feel any different, I'm still struggling with it. I can be honest, I'm scared, petrified of the actual surgery, the recovery, the loss, the end result. Struggling with feeling Im damned if I do, damned if I don't. Maybe I'll feel different once it's done? Ive looked at it every which way possible, and its just so mentally challenging when I know Im so well...the tears havent stopped. I will also be mostly alone through recovery as my kids are going to live with their Dad as its easier for them to get to Uni and my baby in VCE. Whilst its the right thing for me to do...am heartbroken to not have them with me loving and supporting me. My Partner lives an hour away, due to work and life will only be able to manage at different times. Another reminder of traveling this road nearly 7yrs without my Mum, lucky to have my Dad who wants to help but is 77. Inspite of all this, knowing how incredibly lucky am I really!!! how dare I be sad, upset, angry, so why do I struggle, don't know how to resolve this for myself?? I've always been proactive, positive and upbeat...hoping its purely the fear thats getting in the way...

This too will pass. It's a crappy situation and second guessing yourself is absolutely normal. Exhausting, but normal. Go to the appointment but give yourself permission to change your mind at any time. My bet is you will do what you are planning to do because you have thought it through and made a decision based on what is best for you and your chances of survival, but in the end it is one option and you are the one calling the shots. I remember sitting in the admissions clinic clutching my backpack in one hand and a chair in the other having to physically restrain myself from bolting. In the end I got on the trolley, because that's what we do--make tough and unpalatable decisions based on the best evidence we can gather. Good luck. Marg

I know it's a hard time but look on it as a starting point rather than another hurdle. You have made the decision for good reasons so have faith in yourself and your judgement. Pre surgery nerves are normal but don't let them undermine your determination. Very best wishes.

Perfectly normal for you to have these conflicting emotions. It is a big deal. When first diagnosed the losing of my breast was the biggest hurdle. I did find it very distressing. I didn't know how intimacy was going to be after..could I orgasm without that part of our lovemaking? How would I look. My big boobs was a big part of who I was, how I looked..how I dressed.I did have a farewell boobie party. I wrote a poem that reflected the importance of them in my life. They fed my babies.Have I regrets. No I havent. Do I feel comfortable now...yes I do. Intimacy sorted...yes we adapted. Do I still miss them...always, they were are part of me.So Mel...we get it. We are here for you. And yes it will be hard for you. This is just the last bit for you to be able to remain cancer free.The morning of is terribly hard but once surgery is done the final healing, physically and spiritually will begin.Blog often. Kath x

Hey lovely, I reckon if your dad is up to assisting let him!! It will be fantastic for both of you (this is said obviously not knowing the status of your dad's health etc). I know that your dad won't have the same connection and understanding regarding your emotional attachment to your breasts as your beautiful mum would have, but he is still a big bundle of love and caring. He is probably feeling so very helpless. I know I totally underestimated my brothers anxiety and I knew he cared but when he burst into tears when I got my pathology results back and he had a good sob, I did think that I'm a gender snob and hadn't paid the same regard to how much this had affected him as I had to my mum and sisters. He was just less vocal. :( As for how dare you be upset - how dare you NOT LET yourself be upset and let it all out of your system!!!! I haven't heard of any bravery awards being handed out for the least amount of tears or anxiety prior to surgery. Go for it. Cry buckets. It does help to de-stress and there is no hard and fast rule that says because you have been down a similar path previously that you are not allowed to feel frightened, unsure, anxious and stressed this time. But most of all know that we are here for you. You are not alone, we are all just a couple of taps on the computer away. I'm hoping you have a huge supply of green tea at the ready to be sipped whenever necessary. Close your eyes and give yourself a hug. A really really big hug and tell yourself that your hug encompasses all of the love and support that your mum would give and that all of us here are sending you. Xx

Hey everyone! Well what an EXHAUSTING DAY!!!! was at hospital at 8am and finished at 2.30!!!!!! OMG it was full on, I saw a Nurse who did obs and and ECG, then the Anaesthetist, then the Doctor in Plastics, then the Liaison Nurse, then the Head Nurse of Plastics WHO WAS AMAZING!! and then I met my Breast Care Nurse. HOLY HELL!!! then had bloods taken. So they informed me my Surgeon has chosen 27th of Feb as he has to co-ordinate with the Plastic Surgeon. I discussed at length my sensitivity to narcotics and concerns of pain relief, so the Anaesthetist has put something different they can try and Anaesthetic he said they'll do as a drip not tube down the throat. He said interestingly for some reason majority of women with Breast Surgery are nauseas and ill??? I had every single question answered, I literally have nothing left to ask in terms of the beginning to the end of the whole thing. So it is set, and now I can get plans in place and buy a few things I need she showed me some things from Kmart!!! Perfect LOL. Mima! Thank you so much for your support, yes my Dad will come but firstly my Partner has stepped up and told work he's having a little time off YAY!! to come stay and look after me, then my Dad can come and hopefully then after 2 weeks I can muddle alone :) bit by bit!Ann-Marie thank you so much for the support, and I love giving to help alleviate someone elses pain if it is ever possible through experience and compassion, because I never had it before this, so I really appreciate it!Ccasper Thursday?? Oh wow!!! I'll be keeping you in my thoughts!!!! How are you feeling?? Big hugs to everyone, the love and support is just fantastic, and it helps me enormously, so thank you! Now its my turn to shut up and get on with it!!! LOL xo

All Clear happy and healthy, BUT pre admission tomorrow for Mastectomy/Recon struggling mentally..

59 Replies

socoda
Member
9 years ago
Hey lovely, I reckon if your dad is up to assisting let him!! It will be fantastic for both of you (this is said obviously not knowing the status of your dad's health etc). I know that your dad won't have the same connection and understanding regarding your emotional attachment to your breasts as your beautiful mum would have, but he is still a big bundle of love and caring. He is probably feeling so very helpless. I know I totally underestimated my brothers anxiety and I knew he cared but when he burst into tears when I got my pathology results back and he had a good sob, I did think that I'm a gender snob and hadn't paid the same regard to how much this had affected him as I had to my mum and sisters. He was just less vocal. :(

As for how dare you be upset - how dare you NOT LET yourself be upset and let it all out of your system!!!! I haven't heard of any bravery awards being handed out for the least amount of tears or anxiety prior to surgery. Go for it. Cry buckets. It does help to de-stress and there is no hard and fast rule that says because you have been down a similar path previously that you are not allowed to feel frightened, unsure, anxious and stressed this time.

But most of all know that we are here for you. You are not alone, we are all just a couple of taps on the computer away. I'm hoping you have a huge supply of green tea at the ready to be sipped whenever necessary. Close your eyes and give yourself a hug. A really really big hug and tell yourself that your hug encompasses all of the love and support that your mum would give and that all of us here are sending you. Xx
Michelle_R
Member
9 years ago
Hi Mel, I will be thinking of you this week and sending lots of mental support! I didn't have any symptoms either, before my double mastectomy but the thought of having the risk gone once and for all was a huge incentive and made it so much easier. You will be so relieved afterwards - it will be worth it! Keep busy, cook and freeze, stack some pillows ready for when you come home - you will need time to put your feet up. Your family will be with you in spirit and so will we. xxxx
Lisa50
Member
9 years ago
Mel, I am feeling sad for you today. You have always been so positive and encouraging when helping other women with your kind words. Now you are needing a big dose of the same! I see you have been through so much over the last 6 years and to face this all over again must be very daunting. You have EVERY right to feel this way (sad, upset, angry) Especially being practically alone and when you feel so well.
BC attacks us at every level, not just the physical but the emotional/psychological which can be harder. We can never be prepared for how we will feel. Trying to be 'strong & positive' is tiring so allow those normal current feelings to happen. Don't fight them. Of course you are scared! I'm sure the relief will come once it's over & you will look back again & say..Yes, I did it..I am strong..! Please give yourself a break from the pressure of how you 'should' be feeling right now.
You are doing the right thing. You WILL get through this. Thinking of you Mel :smiley:
Please keep us informed. When is surgery?
BIG HUGE HUGS to you, Lisa XXX
primek
Member
9 years ago
Perfectly normal for you to have these conflicting emotions. It is a big deal. When first diagnosed the losing of my breast was the biggest hurdle. I did find it very distressing. I didn't know how intimacy was going to be after..could I orgasm without that part of our lovemaking? How would I look. My big boobs was a big part of who I was, how I looked..how I dressed.

I did have a farewell boobie party. I wrote a poem that reflected the importance of them in my life. They fed my babies.

Have I regrets. No I havent. Do I feel comfortable now...yes I do. Intimacy sorted...yes we adapted. Do I still miss them...always, they were are part of me.

So Mel...we get it. We are here for you. And yes it will be hard for you. This is just the last bit for you to be able to remain cancer free.

The morning of is terribly hard but once surgery is done the final healing, physically and spiritually will begin.

Blog often. Kath x
- paulina_gtzr
  Member
  10 days ago
  I'm reading this thread, as I decided yesterday to have mastectomy.
  I like that....farewell booby party. Oh primek would you share your poem with us? pleeeease.
  SEnding good vibes to you melclarity
  - melclarity
    Member
    10 days ago
    paulina_gtzr all the very best for your operation. Gee 9 years ago feels like a lifetime ago :) Interesting as today I stopped at the supermarket on the way home and there were 2 people fundraising for BC. I get the fundraising but seriously these people do not know what anybody's story is. It brought up alot of things for me. I actually ignored them and walked by. I then see this message come through. It's interesting, there will always be layers to all of this that resurface and we slowly heal those parts of us in survivorship that nobody truly knows about. I am so happy honestly, reading my original message here I remember those feelings so very vividly. 9 years on, I think now, I wish I'd done a double mastectomy, but it was too traumatic. I never thought I'd feel normal again in any capacity and yet the world keeps spinning. In so many ways I couldn't be further from these days, and that is a miracle and such a blessing. So I send the biggest of hugs to you and want to tell you, you are going to be OK, that you are braver than you think. I also learned that doing it didnt change who I am in any way, it was just a part of me and something I had to do. No regrets :) Please take care and look after you, time to put YOU first above everyone and everything, it is super key.
    
    Hugs Melinda. x
Afraser
Member
9 years ago
I know it's a hard time but look on it as a starting point rather than another hurdle. You have made the decision for good reasons so have faith in yourself and your judgement. Pre surgery nerves are normal but don't let them undermine your determination. Very best wishes.
rowdy
Member
9 years ago
Hi don't be so hard on yourself, we all travel this trip so different. 2014 I was where you are now. I always thought of myself as a strong person as I have been through some crap in my life. This is very different as it is your body and you are going to lose a part of it. I have days when I struggle with my trip 3 years has gone quickly, sick of doctors and hospitals.
I'm from Melbourne and if there is anything I can do for you, I still have 2 weeks of leave left.
Take a deep breath you can do it, we are all here to support you take care xxxxxxx
iserbrown
Member
9 years ago
Oh Melinda I hear your uncertainty! Is it the reality of losing the breast or is it more because the constant in your life, your Mum, is no longer here. You are organized in that making sure the kids are taken care of but emotionally it's a struggle at present. Hopefully some of us can cheer you up and get your thoughts into the end goal. New boob. Your Mum is always there in spirit. Your ex is even here helping with the kids.
You need a positive mind for surgery. Maybe you need to ring the support service and speak with a Counsellor.
http://www.cancer.org.au/about-cancer/patient-support/131120.html

Good luck thinking of you as you get through this cross road and decide if this is what I want. Only you can decide.
Take care sending you a virtual hug xx

Forum Discussion

All Clear happy and healthy, BUT pre admission tomorrow for Mastectomy/Recon struggling mentally..

59 Replies

Recent Discussions

Animation Deformity- Botox

All Clear happy and healthy, BUT pre admission tomorrow for Mastectomy/Recon struggling mentally..

Double mastectomy Tasmania

DIEP Surgery

What’s happening in choosing breast reconstruction….

Disclaimer:

Foundation partner	Major partners