Forum Discussion
All Clear happy and healthy, BUT pre admission tomorrow for Mastectomy/Recon struggling mentally..
To say its been a tough week, has been an understatement even after a recurrence multiple surgeries and treatments over the past 6yrs. As much as I knew it was coming, I wasnt prepared for the call from Hospital for my pre-admission tomorrow. 19 months on from a lumpectomy, 13 months post chemo, happy, healthy reclaiming my life. The mental torture has been relentless this week, knowing I'm WELL but in light of a recurrence don't gamble Melinda, do a Mastectomy/Diep flap reconstruction. Even knowing deep down its the best thing I could do, I still struggle with the loss, the prevention, the surgery. Its always been my struggle getting to this decision now it is here, I don't feel any different, I'm still struggling with it. I can be honest, I'm scared, petrified of the actual surgery, the recovery, the loss, the end result. Struggling with feeling Im damned if I do, damned if I don't. Maybe I'll feel different once it's done? Ive looked at it every which way possible, and its just so mentally challenging when I know Im so well...the tears havent stopped. I will also be mostly alone through recovery as my kids are going to live with their Dad as its easier for them to get to Uni and my baby in VCE. Whilst its the right thing for me to do...am heartbroken to not have them with me loving and supporting me. My Partner lives an hour away, due to work and life will only be able to manage at different times. Another reminder of traveling this road nearly 7yrs without my Mum, lucky to have my Dad who wants to help but is 77. Inspite of all this, knowing how incredibly lucky am I really!!! how dare I be sad, upset, angry, so why do I struggle, don't know how to resolve this for myself?? I've always been proactive, positive and upbeat...hoping its purely the fear thats getting in the way...
59 Replies
- @PrisMay1 Your cup size sounds perfect! I'd be happy to be C oh what a joy! I would go Epworth Richmond too ;) I had the money and private health cover, but my Surgeon didn't want me to.
Yes those thoughts never leave, as a result of treatment I was Osteoporotic and have just completed 8 years of Prolia injections 6th monthly. My bones are great! 1 more scan in April and all going well my Oncologist will release. I stopped my AI last year, after 10 yrs I felt it was enough, there wasn't alot of benefits left. I was thrown into an unnatural menopause in 2015 which has brought it's own problems. Weight ummm pfffft I blew out 10kg from treatment and never regained my life again. No matter what you do, nothing works. I was surprised at the lack of support once again.
I've had a recent scare that has reminded me how fragile we are. We can walk on out of this nightmare and live our lives. However, after 3 severe migraines with aura in 5 days landed me with an MRI. Nice reality check...'oh with your history' thanks! LOL results all good, but have a new treatment regime to try and manage whilst working full time. Such a gift lol.
I don't dwell on any of it really, I've been so focused on being in the NOW and making the most of what comes. Lately I have found you are right, it creeps in and whilst I try not to succumb to thoughts, you always wonder if it will...:/
Take care xx - I was an E cup left and D on the right (now a C). PS says with my belly he could get me a B - C cup which I think is fine! I’m thinking I’ll probably gain some weight on the AIs so at least I’ll have some room to grow! Plus no mammogram will be such a plus!I’ve been offered RMH and Epworth Richmond. - I can pay so will go the latter.I agree with you about survivorship. I feel I’m forever changed and I’m not happy about that! My dark thoughts around this bitch of a thing being out to get me are not helpful!! But they persist! I’m now concerned about how the lack of oestrogen will affect my long term health in other ways - brain, heart, bones. It’s just not talked about! My cancer is gone but it’s not the end of it!
- I agree with you, I would have been so much better off with a double! Ive always been a private patient at Freemasons, but Surgeon put me through public at RMH. He didnt want me to have any out of pocket.
- Thanks so much for that! Having the double procedure is a BIG thing to have to do! Part of me says why mess with a good breast but then I think if I do one then have another BC in my left I’ve got no option for a recon and i don’t think I’d get over it. Plus I might not be so fit & well in 5, 10 yrs time!We share the same medical team so I’m reassured by your comments! Did you go private or to RMH?
- @PrisMay1 Hello!!
Oh i'm so glad you found my sharing helpful! I am equally sorry to hear about your recurrence, there really just are no words. Although a few choice words come to mind ;) Can I share something with you, now that I am 6 years post single mastectomy diep flap reconstruction. I HONESTLY wish I had have done the double mastectomy! it was so much to get my head around at the time that I barely made it to the single! however, yes they did an amazing job. BUT! I am still too big and it causes me ongoing back pain. My Surgeon refuses to touch them. So I TOTALLY AGREE with you going down the path of bi lateral, as I have ongoing mammos on my right side yearly :/ and after 12 years am sooooo over it! LOL There is so much to be grateful for, HOWEVER something nobody talks about is survivorship as you chip along your path and what you deal with daily due to treatments etc :/ I really do think there needs to be a little more support post this ordeal. Instead we kick along back into our lives like nothing happened in our new normal :)
I wish you the absolute best with your surgery and here is to kicking it all completely, much love.
Melinda - I am reading through your posts @melclarity and this one strikes a chord with me. I too have recently had a recurrence. I had a IDBC in 2007 for which I had lumpectomy, radiation, Tamoxifen then Arimadex. My breast had a lot of fibrosis from the radiation and I was never completely happy with how it looked but I accepted it. Then in June this year diagnosed with an ILBC in the same breast! Devastated! This one 1.5cm with no node involvement. Had lumpectomy and now on Examestane. I’m now considering a bilateral mastectomy with a DIEP reconstruction (can’t believe I actually wrote that!). I am finding that the prospect of having to go through all this again in 5, 10 years is terrifying- I’m 63 now and fit and well. My thinking is the surgery is risk reduction for me plus I’m not comfortable with how I look!Anyway just wanting you to know I’m thankful you’ve shared your story and hope you are going well.
- I just reread your earlier response. That's fantastic you will have your partner for the first couple of weeks, they are definitely the toughest. Sounds like you had a fantastic day information wise, but lots to take in. Great all your questions were answered. Thinking of you and will be on the 27th.
Paula xxxx - Ooh, you definitely didn't need a migraine after your last few days Mel but that's probably exactly why you got it. Blasted minds and bodies, can't trick them into thinking we aren't stressed! Migraines can leave you feeling a bit "bruised", hope you are on the mend. Easier said than done to try and take it easy when you are working with children. Wishing you a better night. xx
- Jane thank you! It was a very positive day, but a very intense stressful day! I did think I would have settled and slept well last night, unfortunately it was a rough night and I had to start back at work today with the Autistic kids resuming. I came down with a migraine, and I havent had one in soooo long!!! so was in bed at 4pm after work, not feeling great but have work again tomorrow.
Paula thanks so much! Yes Im going to be more vocal about what I want and need, hardest thing is after having my kids with me for 6yrs and them being gone and only coming now and then after surgery is breaking my heart but I know I need the rest. Its a double edged sword, Im trying to do the right thing for them, but its hurting me more, you know? So will start thinking about it all when I feel a little better.
Thanks heaps!!! xoxoxo - @"Butterfly 40" Thanks! @ccasper Im so glad youre feeling ok and really ready for this, sending you lots of hugs will be there in spirit, helping! xo
