Letting go of being superwoman!
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At 76, I still think that agitating for women’s right to choose (which automatically means the ability to take different paths, not just dream about them) was and is important. I see more couples now genuinely sharing all aspects of work, housework and parenting and it’s a good thing. I’m not sure life was simpler in the past, there were just fewer choices. Education, ambition (it can be a really good word) and self esteem are often linked. Every real choice made carries with it a sense of achievement, no matter what the outcome.1
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Totally agree @FLClover and @June1952.
Society has lost the plot. I came home to mum who was always there with afternoon tea after school. We had a great time and money didn't drive it. We had our home but not lots of ' stuff' . Mum worked when we were older, school hrs so was still around and not wearing herself out like I did.
I had to get my first husband to leave when my son was 8 months old (long story) and as a sole parent it was exhausting. My parents helped me but still having to provide and do it all took it's toll on me. Admittedly I was very driven to achieve and provide. I busted my gut, no financial support from the ex.
People thought I was amazing but no one helped me and I never asked. I didn't want to be a sole parent but I didn't choose a good first husband and paid a very big price.
I also didn't handle all the stress of being a sole parent well. What's more no one ever said to me your very stressed or offered help. But I do really believe my stress impacted my help over the years and contributed to my cancer without a doubt.
Not sure society would be prepared to go back to what it was like. I do see younger mums wanting more balance so you never know. But the greed of society keeps driving things in the wrong direction unfortunately. One thing that is positive is that children in schools are taught relaxation or yoga or other such techniques to help them manage stress.
I would recommend the Otis Foundation for anyone wanting a break. @iserbrown has the link above.5 -
One thing I can guarantee is that on our death bed we won't be saying I wish I had worked my butt off more, and we won't be saying I wish I had seen my loved ones less.2
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@iserbrown oh how I’d love another Otis holiday!! Very much in need of one! Someone mentioned before we could go a second time, but I’m not sure as I haven’t checked. 👏🏻👏🏻 for reminding ladies of that, especially those who haven’t been yet 👌🏻👌🏻 Xx0
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@iserbrown I meant to also say thank you for the reminder. I went on one OTIS holiday, and I may look into going a second time if that is possible. xx1
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@Cath62 so glad you also changed and are putting your health first. I feel my cancer was also brought on by workplace stress.2
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@Cath62 same! I quit a year before my diagnosis, but needed to find an excuse for myself as to why I quit, and still spent a whole year feeling guilty that i wasn’t working, even though I was working overtime for a few years prior with no proper holiday for a decade. Not even sick days. And I had burnt out massively to the point I couldn’t understand what I was reading in class, simple things that beforehand I could’ve taught in my sleep. And that year I was having panic attacks on top of everything. Very unhealthy, and I knew it, yet I couldn’t stop myself. I’d disappoint so many people if I did 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️. So much guilting and shaming, it really needs to stop. I also now have no intention to go back to work unless it’s under my conditions. I refuse to join that psychotic rat race again.And when I was diagnosed, I just didn’t care about anything. People asked me what I was going to do with my house, whether I’d rent it out, and I just thought the house???? I don’t give 2 f***s about the house!! Throw it away as far as I’m concerned!!! I just sat there, thinking all I want is my health. Nothing else was important, not the house, nor the car, nor any jewellery or electronics or clothes etc. I just wanted to see myself healthy again, and I wanted to slap myself for not listening sooner to myself and making changes. As you say, I can’t change any of the past, but that’s why I have made major changes as well in my present. You can’t go back to the same environment that made you sick and expect to get better.I’ve also read or heard somewhere that perfectionists are like that because of shame or guilt, usually stemming from childhood. Certainly the case for me. I’ve mostly dealt with my childhood issues and have eased the perfectionism considerably! And I feel so much more relaxed and happy. So much unnecessary pressure thrown off my shoulders. And now, I also come first. The way I treated others, is now how I treat myself. The last thing I want is to feel that misery again and have a repeat, just to satisfy ‘society’. No thanks. I hope other women start to do the same too 🤞🤞.2
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@FLClover reading your above comment has brought tears to my eyes and brought back some memories of my own also. I also was burnt out to the point of feeling quite numb and just going through the motions of my busy lifestyle. It was a rude awakening to get cancer and be forced to slow down, and I too had the worry of a mortgage to pay on my own. Cancer taught me that enough was enough, I want to get off the merry go round, and I did! I now lead a simple life and I am much happier.
Finding peace is a good place to be, and I wish that for all women who are struggling with self esteem.
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@June1952 @Cath62 I didn’t have my mum home all the time as she had to work hard too, especially after we moved to Australia when I was little. My older sister and I had to look after our 2 younger siblings. I missed having my mum home so much! I just wanted her to be there to talk to, and to provide tea as mentioned or a snack. I needed her comfort but didn’t get it. So I’ve had a void my whole life. I’m trying hard not to make my daughter feel the same, but it’s exactly what was happening while I was working. I was watching history repeat itself. My mum got bipolar, I got breast ca. I wanted to cry every time I dropped my daughter off at child care at 6:30am. She was the first and last one there at one stage. Very distressing. One day I just thought enough! I didn’t have a child so that other people raise her. And despite being a feminist, as I mentioned, I realised staying home to look after my daughter didn’t mean I was failing or unsuccessful. I realised for me being a feminist meant getting equality in all areas, and being respected for raising children properly, which is one of the hardest jobs there is. So I put my daughter and myself first and quit my job. We also don’t have a lot, but we definitely have enough! We have plenty that brings us joy and makes us happy every day. And that’s all I need. My career will have to wait til she’s grown up, and til I get to work under my conditions. So working full time and being a full time mum, in my opinion, is not the best choice. Kudos to whoever can do it, but I believe it catches up with you eventually. And this money driven society, of always needing to have the most recent or modern or updated version of everything...don’t even get me started. People are too busy buying the latest model of whatever to realise how miserable they really are. Sad. I hope it changes 🤞🤞🤞.2
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@Keeping_positive1 I agree that being kind to ourselves isn’t that either. When I was working, trying to find time for my hair just seemed more stressful than anything else. I didn’t even enjoy it because of how tired I was, and it was a nuisance finding someone to look after/pick up daughter from school when I did go. And it was just becoming so obvious to me that those things you mentioned, such as yoga, gym, massages etc, should be the norm in every day life, not considered a treat! And yet I couldn’t even allow myself those things half the time as a treat! To me, self care these days is making sure my soul is happy. And my soul is happy when it’s not overworked and stressing about money. And when it doesn’t have to work its butt off for an unappreciative and condescending boss. I hope we find the answer. We shouldn’t have to suffer any illness of any kind. It’s not the purpose of being on this planet.2
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@FlClover thankfully I have always enjoyed the homemaker part in my life, so now I am in my element! There is something special in running a household and looking after those you love.
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Wow @FLClover,
I so relate to your story. I was the eldest child. My dad worked away as a salesman and I missed him so much. He did that in my early childhood.
When I was 4, my mum and 2 sisters and I had a very bad car accident. My mum and baby sister were injured so badly. My mu..lost the use of her right arm for a year. Ad a 4 yr old I did ironing and made lunch for my mum and sisters. Mum would tell me how to make sandwiches.
I guess my childhood set up that need to do everything, look after everyone, except me. It was just how it was and then the pattern was set for my life. Well until that burnout happened and I wasn't able to go on.
I left work in June of 2019 after using up my leave to take care of sick parents and a very sick son. I was diagnosed with bc on 30 April 2020.
I worked hard for the house, my son's schooling etc etc. Now all I care about is my health and happiness.
I always ate healthy but I cut my drinking down lots. I put my exercise and meditation first before anything else. I pace myself with what I do and rest when I need to. I still sometimes feel guilty not doubt things but I am getting better at letting that go.
If I could have written to my younger self I would have said to work less, ask for help and do plenty of self care. Peace of mind is my success these days not 'stuff' or senior positions.
My first career was as a nurse. I sat with many who died and I guarantee no one ever talked about the need to work more but everyone talks about wishing they had more time with those they love. Lucky I have woken up to myself. 🙏3 -
@Cath62 I so hear you! So pleased you are now getting plenty of self care. Nice you are able to share some of your story here also.
I was hoping some would respond to this thread and some of our stories could be shared, and those not comfortable sharing may also know they are not alone. Sometimes we find some pearls of wisdom in others stories.2 -
I think it’s true that many women following a breast cancer diagnosis re assess their priorities and try and cut out stuff they can and focus on the things that are important.
For me it was the ability to say “ no” to things that I simply no longer had the energy or appetite for.
I sometimes explain to people ( if I feel like it) that the drugs I am in to hopefully stop the cancer coming back knock me around a bit or some times I just say “no “ without any more.
I was one of those people who always ended up volunteering my time for free and I simply don’t have the energy any more.
I think a brush with your mortality does that.
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Very similar indeed @Cath62. Your early childhood incident definitely set that pattern in your mind of needing to take care of everyone else first. And at such a young age!! 😲😢. It’s so sad to read, yet so many women have similar stories. And just continue to suffer in silence instead of seeking a way out, because it seems so helpless. And then you get the burnout, and then the disease ☹️. I was also diagnosed almost 2 years after I had my burnout and quit my job. And it took almost 3 years to stop feeling guilty about not working, despite the burnout, panic attacks and breast ca diagnosis and surgery/treatment during those 3 years! 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️. Unbelievable! You could be hobbling around, dragging your limbs and still feel guilty for not working and helping others! It’s just wrong. So wrong. Everything needs to be in moderation, and that includes work and helping, but it isn’t.As both you and @Keeping_positive1 said, people on their deathbed don’t ever wish they’d worked harder. They wish they’d spent more time with loved ones and enjoyed themselves more. I don’t believe enjoying oneself requires a lot of money anymore, and I’m a good budgeter, that’s why I’m very happy as I am now. I also wish I’d never gotten breast ca, but I’m glad it rattled me to my senses and woke me up while I’m still young enough to enjoy my daughter’s childhood and ensure I’m there for her, and for me to enjoy myself too and to slow down and rest when needed, just as you said you do. Just as we all need to.I remember shortly after finding my lump, I had had a mammogram to check what it was and was waiting for results. In the meantime I went to visit an old student who’d just had a baby. I was holding her baby and thinking how lucky she was that she was so healthy and could get to raise her daughter. She wasn’t working as her partner was, and her parents were visiting for a few months from overseas and helping her. I guess I felt a bit envious that I didn’t get the same, but what really got to me was the possibility of not being there to continue raising my daughter after I’d finally quit my job and could be home more. It was just so unfair. I left and went back to my parents’ place, who were also visiting from overseas, and just finally broke down. I was crying uncontrollably and shouting angrily that I wanted to raise my daughter, not anyone else! I didn’t work so hard my whole life for this to happen now and rob me of my happiness, and for my daughter to not have a mum! I was like I want to raise her, she’s MY daughter! I want to be here!!! My dad calmed me down and told me that no matter what the results, I could overcome it and they’d all be there to help me. And they did, and were at least there for me then. They’re back overseas now but helped me at the worst time. And I finally let them. I finally told myself it’s not shameful to ask for help. That we all need it and all need to ask for it. Anyway, luckily for me it’s turned out well for now 🍀🍀🍀.I just hope anyone reading these comments realises we don’t need to be superheroes and martyrs, because sometimes your body will do what it needs to do to get you to stop, and sometimes it won’t be in time. It shouldn’t need to get to this for us to realise what’s really important. For me it’s also peace of mind, happiness and being with people I love.2
