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Today’s Mood: cranky with a touch of psycho
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YOU sound exhausted stargirl - Maybe accepting that if the beds are not made does it matter? if the boys pee on the bathroom floor make them clean it up (yes it is quicker for you to do,) but by making them do it they learn consequences to their actions. Let go of the perfect house setting.....
My joke to friends is that the dust is my deceased friends visiting as ashes to ashes dust to dust .... etc..... before I was paranoid about an unclean house and dust etc.... but now I dont sweat the small stuff as the hot flushes do enough sweating for us all....
Hugs and know You are enough....7 -
Thanks everyone ❤️0
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I love that line, 'You are enough'. I'm not a big one for the positivity mantras, but whenever this one crops up it resonates with me. I suppose because I feel like such a failure much of the time, it's like a pat on the back saying, actually you're not. You're doing OK. You are not inadequate. Sometimes 'You are enough' makes me quite teary!4
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@stargirl some of what your describing is just normal to parenting - give yourself a break we are all our own worst critics when it comes to the kids. I often feel I’ve raised savages but apparently away from home they are polite, intelligent, caring, responsible members of society hard to believe when I’m separating a nearly 18 yo and the 15 yo who want to smash one another and are calling one another every foul name with the f word attached. Just way too much testosterone in my house. For the giggle the boys are 6’3” and 5’10” and i’m between them at a whole 5’6”
i find rushing only only makes me more anxious so am working on slowing down and being more considered, accepting that I can only do so much is taking time - some lessons are hard to learn
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It really is about letting go of the need to have a spotless house and asking the small terrorists to step up. As some will know from previous posts, my kids have been doing chores for some time and while the real housework (vacuuming, etc) wasn't expected when they were little, things like unloading the dishwasher and taking out the rubbish started around about 5 or 6. And they're almost always called back to clean up their messes. I won't say it's always easy - Miss 12 likes to delay housework as long as possible in the hope that it will disappear (I know that feeling) - vacuuming 2 rooms happened at 8pm yesterday after having most of the weekend to do it! Just don't expect it to be to your standard. And love them as I do, it's a pleasant surprise when other people tell me what lovely kids they are - apparently polite, sociable and smiling.4
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I think you’re right @Sarnicad, it is normal parenting to a large extent. I think the thing is, because I am not certain of being around to see them grow up, or even finish primary school, I feel extra pressure to help them become independent and capable of good judgment and sound decision making. I need to know they’ll be totally fine without me otherwise I will have failed them. They need to be strong enough to cope with losing a parent at a young age. I want them to remember their childhood as happy, but I suspect they’ll just think Mummy was psychopath who yelled a lot.0
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@StarGirl My sister's children who I am raising, never talk about their mum yelling. And believe you me, she shouted A LOT (fearsome temper, tiger mother). They were eight and ten when she died, and what they talk about are the fun times, the trips they took with mum. And accidents! That time when I fell over and broke my arm kind of thing.
My sister spent a lot of time making memories. She didn't have much money and so did lots of camping trips, caravan parks and cheap accommodation. She took them to places she loved, and imbued that love into them.
We'd all love it if our boys didn't pee all over the bathroom, if the kids didn't fight like cats and dogs. But your kids are going to grow up regardless. You have to do what feels right and good for you but is it worth it for you try and let go a bit for a while? Maybe not care about the mess (though always about hygiene!) as much. Next time you feel like you're going to explode try saying 'F**k it' (to yourself) and say 'Come on boys, let's go out and have a milkshake/go to the park/eat hot chips on the pier. We'll tidy this up when we come home'. It will take the wind out of their sails and it will be a delightful memory for years to come. It's a kind of circuit breaker, for you and them.
It's also worth noting that boys brains aren't fully developed until they're about 28... so to a certain extent you could be farting against thunder!
They're going to remember the love, trust me. Ease up on yourself, parenting is hard enough, and accompanied by absurd levels of guilt at the best of times, let alone what you're dealing with. Be kind to you. You are enough. K xox5 -
Check out the Otis Foundation too @StarGirl. It sounds like you could all do with a holiday.
http://www.otisfoundation.org.au
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I did this @stargirl after hearing it was working in pubs and public toilets. I only had one child, so there was no doubt about who was pissing on the floor. A little bit of motivation seemed to help. This is a UK site, but you will find something OZ if you try.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/10-Fly-Target-Toilet-Stickers/dp/B00567WUEG
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I think it is the hardest thing to cope when you are feeling exhausted most of the time. I'm lucky that I dont have any young children now. I dont know how young mothers do cope when you are feeling exhausted. The day after chemo , I was feeling pretty good and got stuck into the ironing, scrubbed the shower recess , did some gardening then the exhaustion really hit suddenly. I was like a bear with a sore head, especially when my husband asked me what we were having for supper . So I guess the answer is to not over do it. Try to prioritize jobs with family members which can be very frustrating at times. Try to enjoy some time each day doing things we like to do. I am now 7 years since diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer and life goes on.3
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I can tell you my kids and I learnt the art of in really stressful times pre BC that I would let out this howling squeal and they knew it was a rumble /tumble time on the bed have a cuddle and giggle and maybe weather permitting off to the park to have a swing you know they are happy Young adults now who often bring up the fun times we had ... I learnt back then to survive I needed to chill out about having the perfect house.... I would put on a load of washing in the evening when they went to bed throw it in the dryer and pull out fold and put away ready for the next day very little ironing and I got to spend the time with them....
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