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Today’s Mood: cranky with a touch of psycho

StarGirlStarGirl Member Posts: 103
edited February 2019 in Metastatic breast cancer
I think I understand what little orphan Annie meant when she lamented that tomorrow is always a day away. This journey just never ends and I wonder whether the sun ever does actually come out (figuratively speaking). I keep thinking - if I manage to clean the house, I’ll feel better. If I can get healthy home cooked meals on the table every night, I’ll feel better. If I get up extra early so all the beds are made, uniforms ironed, nutritious yet appetising lunches packed, etc., then the school run will go smoothly and the kids will be happy. But it never does and they never are. If I budget better, money won’t be so tight and we might be able to do more fun things, but there’s always something unexpected. I feel like it’s always just out of reach and I’m never enough. I feel like I’m running a marathon but they keep moving the finish line. 


  • kmakmkmakm MelbourneMember Posts: 7,907
    At the risk of mightily pissing you off, long experience has taught me that happiness will never come from external sources. It has to come from within. I struggle with this, but the trauma of the last few years of my life has herded me in the direction of seeking contentment in a different way. It's a work in progress but I think I'm heading in the right direction...

    Because of the ferocious spread and increase ob depression aand anxiety in Australia, the school my kids go to is introducing The Resilience Project this year. I went to a talk given by the founder on Tuesday night, and it was brilliant. It's not airy fairy stuff, it's evidence based, and is being used in schools and sporting clubs all over Australia with great success. The Aussie Netball team use it, as do several AFL clubs. Dusty Martin is a mega fan!

    It boils down to this:


    and takes 10 minutes a day.

    I know you've probably heard all this before but if you're interested, check them out.

    Please don't hate me!! I hope things can improve. K xox

    A screen shot from their website:

  • DoodooDoodoo Member Posts: 374
    It’s the most powerful msg ever @kmakm!!! 
    I’m sure nobody could hate you, we all love you even if we don’t know you, if you know what I mean 😊
  • StarGirlStarGirl Member Posts: 103
    edited February 2019
    Haha thanks K, while I often do feel mightily pissed off with the world in general, I like most people individually 🤣. I think it boils down to the fact that while it’s good not to be dead. This endless cycle of treatments means you can never quite put it behind you. People understand cured and they understand terminal. But generally just can’t quite get their heads around this limbo we here all live in. Secondly my boys are quite often self centred little shits who think it’s funny to jam cutlery down the drain, pee all over the bathroom floor and start all out brawls every 2 minutes. To be fair they’re only 6 and 8 (2 and 4 when I was diagnosed with MBC de novo (liver mets) and have no idea about my health (nor do most people as I do a very good impression of a fit and healthy person - cold caps were a great help with achieving this!). Sometimes though, it just all seems a bit much. I’m not unhappy I don’t think so much as just tired. But that might also be the current radiotherapy I’m
    just at the pointy end of? 
  • DoodooDoodoo Member Posts: 374
    It’s a tough gig @StarGirl. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break & get that family of yours helping you!! 
    Sending hugs xx
  • SilbaSilba SydneyMember Posts: 113
    Stargirl and kmakn 

    I feel where your both coming from , I tried to set myself little goals everyday , but it's hard and disapointing when you can only do half , so then I think ,ok you've done half , grateful for that.

    I think learning to deal with your own expectations is the hardest, yes empathy, gratitude and mindfulness all help , it's just you can't do all 3 at the same time, that's my take.

    So hang in there , and just do one day at a time and I know happiness and contentment come from within , but a bit of external sources can help.

  • AfraserAfraser MelbourneMember Posts: 3,026
    I've just come back from yoga. Our instructor was reminding us that we are taking 1 hour of our day, just one, for ourselves. Most do yoga just once a week. So what's the total time we spend on ourselves? Me? Quite a bit, but like @kmakm, it's taken me some time to get there. I had to have the concept of building energy explained to me. Spending it I understood, but building it? I didn't have time!! The wonderful thing about making time for yourself is that it actually gets easier as you go. Start with ten minutes. It does work, but like everything else it takes a bit of practice. How do you colour an ice block? You have to melt it, add the colour and freeze it again. Learning new habits carries an element of unlearning the old ones. Best wishes. 
  • kmakmkmakm MelbourneMember Posts: 7,907
    I hear you @StarGirl, especially re the kids. My niece and nephew (who I'm raising) fight like vicious hyenas, and sometimes the rude insolence is breathtaking. It's hard to not let it ruin one's day, and poison the atmosphere in the whole house. If I could I'd send Super Nanny your way!

    The treadmill of appointments is awful enough when you're newly NED, let alone living with mets. You have my heartfelt sympathy. I'm seeing a genetic specialist in two weeks to learn more about my genetic mutation which puts me in a higher risk category for several cancers. Part of me is looking forward to having more information and using it proactively to stay well. However the other part of me is wary of being shoved onto a never ending series of scans, checks and tests. My BS worries about that for me as well. We'll see.

    @Silba The burden of my self expectations is heavy. I beat myself up every day with guilt that I haven't done enough. I'm so tired, my energy is not good, I'm sore, my hands aren't as strong as they were. I have to get my head round the fact that I will not be returning to what I was. The sooner I can except that the better.

    @Afraser Not ten minutes ago I dropped in at a yoga studio that's been recommended to me! I have to give it a go. I need to reduce my stress to help my anxiety levels. Trying to put together the jigsaw puzzle of my new normal.

    @Doodoo :*<3  :)
  • AfraserAfraser MelbourneMember Posts: 3,026
    Good luck with the yoga! I find it excellent for shutting off the rest of the world and my own brain chatter for a while. 
  • StarGirlStarGirl Member Posts: 103
    edited February 2019
    I tried yoga but found it incredibly stressful. The physical side was ok but the whole breathing and relaxation aspect just killed me. I constantly feel like I’m on borrowed time so I really struggle with anything requiring stillness, I’m always in a hurry even though I’m not going anywhere,  which I know is ridiculous but I think part of my brain (and these days I have the intellectual capacity of a retarded Dalmatian) thinks if I keep moving it won’t catch up with me. 
  • kmakmkmakm MelbourneMember Posts: 7,907
    I find that very understandable. Keeping busy is a great distraction.
  • iserbrowniserbrown Regional VictoriaMember Posts: 4,164
    Don't be so hard on yourself.  The intent is there but the actual will take time to come together.  Reflect on where you have been, as long as you don't stay there too long, give yourself a pat on the back and say good grief, who'd thought!  Look at how well I am doing

    Have to laugh about your little boys pee on the bathroom floor - I just encountered two little boys at the supermarket with a Mum who was flustered because they were using the chrome bars that separate the aisles between registers as monkey bars - one of her boys tapped me on the bum because I was coming backwards towards him - I laughed at him and she was so flustered and I just said hey they are little ones enjoying themselves, no harm done!

    Not sure if you are familiar with some things on offer through here that might help and or if you have not already taken advantage but here you are something for you and something for you and the family

    Look Good, Feel Better  (Free)
    https://lgfb.org.au/workshop/  or the Home delivered kit https://lgfb.org.au/home-delivered-confidence-kit/

    Otis Retreats (Free)

    Hope that helps and heart goes out to you as it's never easy regardless of stage, type or anything else

    Take care, sending you a virtual hug
  • Blossom1961Blossom1961 Regional VictoriaMember Posts: 1,612
    And just when you think you made it.........I get this @StarGirl. I am learning to not expect so much of myself. When we push ourselves too hard, we are not allowing ourselves to recuperate which is what we need to do. Have a read through some of the positive thoughts post and feel good for what you have achieved, NOT concentrate on what you haven’t. I am still working through doing this myself but it certainly feels good when I refocus on the positives. Great big hugs.
  • Beryl C.Beryl C. Member Posts: 245
    Stargirl I did yoga for years and was always irritated by what you call the 'woo hoo' business - I ignored it and instead used those moments to review my shopping list, plan my evening, have a one way conversation with my sister, do a few lines of knitting in my head etc etc. I agree with Zoffiel, take what you want and leave the rest. This 'C' business takes up a bit of mental and emotional space and having visited my Onc. or had another scan or x-ray I'm actually not very interested in whether I can 'breathe into my feet' or 'let all worries dissolve' - YOU WHAT???? Try some wicked humour ;)

  • Patti JPatti J Member, Dragonfly Posts: 589
    Not exactly cranky but completely over having a cold every other month. Or, gastroenterits or another skin infection.
    I have been doing yoga only for a year and it is so good. I enjoy listening to my breathing and not having any other thoughts. 

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