Positive thought for the day xx
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Yet here I am, depressed, on meds, seeing a psychologist. It is what it is. I find it hard to not feel guilty and ashamed of finding it hard. I am trying to get better, and I am committed to be open about it so others don't feel the shame that I feel about the sadness inside me.1
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@kmakm It is so hard to not feel guilty or ashamed of being depressed. My husband grew up in a family that believes you should never need emotional/mental assistance. It was so hard when chemo and cancer trauma took over my head because I felt I should be able to do it on my own. However, hubby was also finding it hard to cope! We speak of the horrors of BC and how we need to adapt. I still occasionally feel ashamed of feeling blue but being more open about it has helped me to accept things as they are, knowing they will get better. We are both over the worst of it. He goes out bike riding, fencing, walking while I read, jigsaw, go out for coffee with friends, and spend time with my new family here on the forum. I may not have ever met you Kate, but you are still the baby sister I never had. My heart goes out to you. Sending huge snugglehugs your way. Oh yes, I haven’t forgotten those truffles! Are you anywhere near Ringwood?0
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Our dear @kmakm, please don't take this as a flippant response to your heartcry, because it isn't at all. Sharing your pain, both internal and on the outside, shows your humanity and giving spirit to others. But seriously, if you had been through what you have, and experienced what you have, and didn't feel as you do, do you know what I'd suggest? See a psychologist or any other ...ist, take all and plenty of meds on offer and allow yourself to be sad. Sad, under the circumstances, is normal, but it won't be as deep and as profound forever. From someone who, years ago after my brother's death ended up in the nuthouse, in a nice comfy room, with lovely soft walls and a mattress on the floor, I know. I also had a lovely jacket that did up at the back, had twenty one rounds of ECT and every drug from A - Z, which left me a drooling, jittering mess, I know. I also know that my inner "fuck you" rose to the top, and twenty years later, not a pill, white jacket or Bzzz Bzzz later, I'm back in the game. Different fight, but the same spirit. Big hug, my friend.2
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Sadness is a completely normal reaction to loss. Shame and guilt are not, they are learned reactions - not necessarily caused deliberately but drawing from what we interpret as the expectations of others, even ourselves, and that we have somehow "failed". Sometimes we set the benchmarks for ourselves way beyond what we would expect of anyone else. Sadness does not have a use by date, it's also a way of holding something dear. But do whatever it takes to abandon any guilt or shame - they are imposters and don't help at all. Best wishes.3
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@AllyJay How f*****d in the head am I that a stay in a locked ward drugged to the eyeballs sounds tempting?! I'm sorry that you went through that experience. Brutal. I've had friends and family in psychiatric wards and have visited them more than once. Not fun. You really have been through the mill; that you're still standing is an inspiration. Thank you for the hug. Reciprocated with feeling. K xox0
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@Blossom1961 That is such a sweet thing to say! I shall call you didi, which is Hindi for older sister. Thank you for the snuggly hug, gratefully accepted. I am close to Ringers. Are you heading up this way? It'd be great to meet you. But if not, I'll be heading down to Geelong one day soon so we can catch up then.
Yeah, my mother belongs to the stiff upper lip just get on with school of behaviour. You could probably trace my guilt at my emotional difficulties to my upbringing. But I apportion no blame, she did her best. It's just hard ignoring the strictures that get laid down so early in our brains.
Reading, jigsaws and coffee with friends sounds like a gorgeous recovery plan! Good on you. K xox
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OMG @AllyJay - you really HAVE been thru thru mill. Well done on coming out the other side and still being the lovely compassionate person that you are. xxx My mother had ECT back in the 60s .... I didn't think it was used any more!
Kate - as we all say at one stage or another - it is one day at a time - sometimes one hour at a time ..... Do you think you are carrying a double guilt burden - that of your sister as well? Having her 2 children to raise as well as your own (in itself) puts huge pressure on you, as they would be very concerned for your own health too .... and if hubby is away at work a lot of time - all these things add burdens .....
Be gentle on yourself .... it WILL happen .... BIG hugs coming your way xxx
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@Kmakm, we all know what keeping things inside does to us. I.e my father who would never ever admit to needing any help and that PTSD was all a load of bullshit.
My brother had a rough trot (mostly brought on by himself and a group of toxic people) but was brought up with Dad's beliefs and ended up phoning for help whilst standing on the platform ready to jump in front of a train. Thankfully my mother was able to get there at lightning speed. He ended up in the mental health unit for months.
I have my own issues but they are safely locked in a box in my head these days. Guilt has its own box in there as well. It has a big lable on the front saying "stay the hell out". I like to guard it with Fluffy the three headed dog from Harry Potter. LOL
This forum and the people who gather here are your friends although most of us have never met we feel for each other and can understand. Depression just fucking sucks and is like quicksand to get out of. One step foward, sucked back down.
Talk to whoever you need to, take the drugs you need to. Let it out. Put guilt in a box and drop kick it out the nearest window.
There is zero need to feel shame or guilt, you did not ask for any of this in your life. It is bloody hard and you have had a shit time before your own battle. It would definitely be unusual if you just bounced right back in a hurry.
And yes there are days went you want to throw up if you read one more positive analogy.
Hang in there Katie bird. Luv ya xoxoxo
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Sometimes, one step at a time (even if it's dragging) is the only way to go forward. Hugs @kmakm
@allyjay You are truly amazing to go through that and make it out the other side still fighting.
@kezmusc I know the general wisdom is to examine and analyse but I think you're right - sometimes the only way to survive is to lock it away - at least until you're in a position to look at it.1
